Posted by: Marie | November 18, 2012

(751) People close to me – Part 1 of 2

Post #751
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, December 22, 2011]

Whew! It has been a very busy day today!

At lunchtime, I gave a 30-minute holiday piano mini-concert for the local Rotary Club. I was originally scheduled to give it a week earlier, but a month or so ago, they asked me to move it out to today. It made no difference to me what day I performed, so I agreed.

And since my piano students are out of school on winter break this week, I sent out an email to see if any of them wanted to play their recital pieces during the Rotary performance. I had two students respond affirmatively . . . James, the cop, and one little girl. I sent all the details about the performance to the two of them via email.

James was on duty today – as he normally is on weekdays – but he was hoping to slip back to our town for the performance. But, no . . . the bad guys had other plans for him. He ended up canceling the night before because he got sucked into a large criminal investigation. He felt really bad. But, I assured him it didn’t make a huge difference to me as I would just play an extra Christmas carol or two to fill his time slot.

Photo by Martin Chen

At the time I headed over to the community center for the performance, I still believed the little girl was going to perform. She hadn’t yet shown up when it came time to start the performance. So, at the very start of the performance, I asked the audience members to keep an eye out for her and make sure she found the room.

Long story short . . . she never showed up. I found out later that the grandmother had been on the computer long enough to send the one email saying that the little girl could do it, but then her adult son kicked her off the computer – he said she messed up the computer.

I hardly doubt that is the case . . . there is something else going on there . . . there is some other reason her son doesn’t want her on the computer. I’ve heard this story several times . . . she is allowed to be on the computer for a few days to send and receive email, then she gets blamed for the computer getting messed up and she gets kicked off. Hmmm . . .

Anyway . . . she never received the email from me that contained the details. And, she didn’t realize that I had taken her response as a commitment. So, that’s what happened. Oh, well . . . no big deal . . . I was able to fill up the time . . .

But, my habit of procrastinating created some issues for me . . . I waited until the last minute to prepare . . . I put together some Christmas carols on paper – transposed them into friendlier keys and wrote in the chords names. I did that because I don’t sightread music very well. Instead, I usually play the melody and the related chords. By playing that way, I can easily supplement the original arrangment with my own stylings.

Anyway, I worked on it right up until it was time to drive over to the community center. I played through parts of the songs to figure out the chords, but I never got a chance to play any of them from beginning to end. So, I walked in the room and played them without adequate preparation. I made a few major mistakes . . . but, it went okay, for the most part.

I don’t know why I do that. I don’t know why I can’t make myself work on it ahead of time. In the days and weeks beforehand, I think, “I know I have to work on it and I have time . . . I’m going to do it today.” Then, I don’t do it. I haven’t figured out how to make myself do it.

I’ll go watch TV just so I don’t have to do it. I’ll work on my blog so I don’t have to do it. I’ll clean house so I don’t have to do it. I don’t know why I sabotage myself that way. I get so aggravated at myself. Why do I do that?

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


  1. Do you only do it about music or other deadlines too?

    That is one place to start investigating anyway.

    • Hey, Evan –

      That’s a great question . . . it’s all deadlines . . . it is a self-sabotage thing . . . anything that leads to an accomplishment. However, I’m notiicing that it is getting better as my depression is lessening . .

      – Marie

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