Posted by: Marie | October 30, 2012

(738) Naming names

Post #738
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, December 8, 2011]

When I got home from yesterday’s therapy session, I called the police station to see if I could get a status report on Bailey’s disclosure case. The receptionist told me Officer Lopez was off duty until Saturday morning but that he might check his voicemail before then.

So, I left a voicemail in which I requested a very general status – I said that I realize he can’t give me details of the case – nor do I need the details. I just need to know how to handle the lessons scheduled for Saturday afternoon – skip them, or go to their house but act like nothing was up . . . ?? I hope he contacts me by Saturday noon . . . or sooner . . . otherwise, I might be in a touchy spot . . .

—————–

I came away from yesterday’s session feeling like Edward and I didn’t cover any new ground – it seems that we went over the same old stuff. I want to be done with all of it, but I guess I needed Edward to explain things to me yet again. I’m still trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I’m having trouble absorbing what he explains to me . . . I’m having trouble getting my head around it all.

The Tea Garden from Martin Chen

The good news is that Edward is so patient with me. He never gives any indication that he is fed up with me; he just keeps explaining it, as many times as I need it explained.

I guess it’s like what often happens with my piano students . . . I explain something, then they need me to explain it again the next week, then again two weeks later . . . I find myself thinking, “Oh, I’ve explained this so many times . . . when is it going to click for them?” But, I try to never show my frustration . . . I just explain it again . . . and again . . . as many times as they need it explained . . .

However, despite feeling like we treaded only on old ground, the session was actually a powerful one for me. I received several valuable explanations from Edward that answered some of my long-standing “why” questions. Those answers help me put some of the puzzle pieces together in my mind. Maybe things are starting to click together for me . . .

And, during the 30-minute trip home from Edward’s office, I verbally documented on my audio recorder what all had happened in the session. As I was recalling the part when Edward asked for more details of what happened between “X” and me, I allowed my mind to wander back to that time in my life . . . I put the recorder on pause . . .

Several months ago, I was poking around in Facebook and came across the the educational background of “X”. That is when I learned that he received a doctorate degree in psychology. I knew that he was the director of guidance counselors for all of the schools in a large city for many years, but I didn’t realize that he was actually a psychologist – a child psychologist, no less.

I turned the recorder back on . . . I started recalling the conversation that had just occurred with Edward about “X” . . . and I decided it was time to use “X”‘s real name. I didn’t refer to him as “X”, I actually spoke his name into the recorder.

Yeah . . . it’s time to call a spade a spade. It’s time to name my rapist.

Jerry.


Responses

  1. That seems like a big step. I hope making it was liberating, even if very difficult.

    • Hey, Evan –

      You know . . . it really was more about relaxing and allowing reality to come in . . . as opposed to fighting to keep reality out . . . really not that difficult . . .

      Thanks for the encouraging words!

      – Marie

  2. so proud of you! i know how difficult it is! by naming him you have gotten a lot of empowerment. you’ve refused to let him silence you, and you’ve “told” – which means he has no more power over you. hope, my friend. (and because this is what things do, you probably will regret naming him out loud at times. but telling the truth is rarely a bad idea. :) hugs, girl.

    • Hi, Renee –

      Thank you for stopping by! It is good to “meet” you!

      I appreciate the supportive words . . . it sounds like you know something about empowering yourself . . . true?

      – Marie

      • hi marie… i’ve actually been reading you at least for 8 months or so.. :) i am also a piano teacher – i started teaching at 16 y/o with no “formal” training, so i totally understand a lot of what you write about that.

        i know about *wanting* to empower myself. ;) and yes, i have successfully managed it once or twice. but its a common goal i have.


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