Posted by: Marie | October 1, 2012

(720) I did the unthinkable

Post #720
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, November 5, 2011 at 7:20pm]

I have spent most of the day today (after sleeping in late) at my studio just catching up on administrative stuff. I feel very stuck, emotionally. I am frustrated with not being able to break through whatever is keeping me stuck in certain areas. I am feeling hopeless again, to some extent. And, I’m feeling very lonely.

This is when I would normally binge on ice cream. But, my gut isn’t well enough yet for that . . . the thought of ice cream still makes me a bit queasy.

The thought of getting drunk has crossed my mind a few times this evening . . .

I’ve had very little alcohol in the past six months or so. The last time I got drunk was in April after my jury duty in the child sexual assault court case. I think I had two or three beers, cumulatively, this summer . . . and I haven’t had any alcohol since the school year started in August.

The Island by Martin Chen

I’ve come to the conclusion that I do better without alcohol. I don’t crave alcohol much, but once I’ve had one beer, I find it very difficult to not have a second. And, once I’ve had two, there is a very, very good chance I’m going to get totally drunk . . . and once I’m drunk, it is very easy for me to make stupid choices.

I don’t think I meet the classic/clinical definition of an alcoholic . . . mainly because I don’t really crave alcohol, per se . . . but also because having a drink one day does not cause me to want another drink the next day. I don’t seem to have a chemical dependency on it. In fact, the opposite usually occurs . . . the effects of the alcohol cause me to feel so bad the following morning that the thought of more alcohol makes my stomach turn.

But, my relationship with alcohol is definitely problematic. I’m not sure how to classify the problematic relationship, but I’m clear that there is a problem. So, I’ve rather unofficially decided I’m not going to drink alcohol – not even a little bit.

So, ice cream is not really an option. Alcohol is not really an option. Therefore, I decided to try something new . . . a new type of solution . . . something totally radical for me . . . I decided to try interacting with people in a purely social context.

I went to and found a game night for singles in the next town over. I’m familiar with this singles group . . . it is very informal . . . no memberships or videos or other weird stuff, just some neat single people in their 30’s and 40’s and 50’s getting together for volleyball or card games or ice skating or movies each week. So, I jotted down the address . . . the festivities were due to start in 10 minutes . . .

I thought about going home and getting dolled up . . . but, it was already going to take 30 minutes to get to the event. I didn’t want to be really late, so I decided I would just stop at my house long enough to pick up my favorite card game (“Pit”) and a bottle of water . . . and to run a comb through my hair. I decided to go as the “real me”. (Edward and I have talked a lot about how I habitually show up socially as not the “real me”.)

Then . . . I had a brain storm . . .

One of my piano students is being raised by her grandparents . . . well, grandmother and step-grandfather. The girl is nine-years-old and has some significant special needs . . . mostly along the lines of ADD/ADHD. I get along with her really well and I enjoy working with her.

Both of the grandparents have dedicated their lives to working with people with special needs . . . the grandmother has a doctorate degree (something in education) and is an expert in special education, more specifically in education for those with traumatic brain injury. The step-grandfather is an executive in the Special Olympics. I think they are the neatest couple. I have always felt accepted and appreciated by them.

I have met the girl’s father a couple of times – his name is Jared. He has come to a couple of lessons and I’ve exchanged a few quick words with him. I know that he lives with the grandparents and his daughter.

I can see that he has some significant special needs of his own, although I haven’t been able to pinpoint what they are yet. He seems to struggle with social interactions, but I have experienced him as very thoughtful and intelligent within the context of our fleeting conversations. He has a gentle and kind spirit . . . very polite and considerate . . . I’m not sure what the deal is with him.

I find myself being drawn to Jared. He has a very warm personality and I feel “safe” with him. I think he is a bit younger than me . . . maybe a decade younger . . . but maybe he is closer to my age than I think . . . I’m not sure. It feels to me that he has an old soul. I’ve thought many times that I would like a chance to get to know him better.

Yet . . . he is single . . . which makes him “unsafe” because it puts the possibility of a romantic relationship on the table . . . I haven’t been brave enough to reach out to him. Plus, I’m concerned about putting yet another professional relationship at risk by crossing that professional/personal line . . . especially with anything that has the potential to look and feel like “dating”.

On the other hand . . . they just moved here a few months ago from the east coast . . . surely he hasn’t had time to develop much of a social life yet . . . maybe he is just sitting at home, wishing for something fun to do . . . maybe he is feeling lonely . . .

So . . . I did the unthinkable . . . I called him “out of the blue” and asked him if he would like to go to with me to the game night . . .

First he asked, “Wait . . . who is this?”

Then, after he figured out who the heck I was, he said that, yes, he would love to go.

I told him I would be over to pick him up in 15 minutes . . .

I’m on my way . . . wish me luck . . .


  1. Very much looking forward to reading about how this turned out … and so thrilled for you that you took this huge risk.

    • Thank you, David . . . I was rather tickled with myself for doing it!

  2. Hope it got you unstuck – and that you had a great time.

    • Thank you for the well wishes, Evan!

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