Posted by: Marie | September 10, 2012

(707) Hoping for a hero

Post #707
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, October 22, 2011]

This morning, I attended the pipe organ master class. My mom came with me. She has played an organ even fewer times than I have. So, she wasn’t really interested in learning to play the organ, she just wanted to learn about the history and mechanics of the organ . . . and to hear it be played . . .

The class was held on the stage in the main sanctuary of the church (of course). A few of the students played pieces on the organ . . . and they were so far out of my league that I was very glad I hadn’t attempted to play for the class, LOL.

Photo by Martin Chen

It was awesome to hear them play . . . one played a Baroque piece by Bach . . . very dark and haunting . . . not really something I would like, but when he played it on this organ, the deep tones made our chairs vibrate!

The instructor is a very tiny lady who has been playing organ all of her life and teaching organ for most of her life. She is known worldwide for her teaching methods. She is now in her 80’s, but she bounced around on the stage like she was 50!

As each of the performing students played their piece, she worked with the student on his or her technique. I learned a little bit about fingering technique (a lot of organ technique can be applied to piano playing) and I learned A LOT about teaching techniques.

She is anything but shy . . . when she wanted to show a student a technique, she just plopped herself down on the bench and scooted close to the student . . . sometimes she almost pushed the student off the bench, LOL! She was very encouraging and very hands-on . . . lively, great at story telling and humor . . . she had great methods for explaining what she meant. She even used a cookie cutter to demonstrate proper hand shape!

What a lady!

Anyway, the class lasted a couple of hours . . . Mom and I both enjoyed it thoroughly. The instructor walked the class through all the buttons and registers and voices and potential voice qualities . . . wow! It really is just like flying a jet plane!


I’ve been waiting all week for James to respond to my email. Part of me is so scared that I have pushed things too far . . . that now James will surely run away. I keep trying to convince myself that is not the case. I’m trying very hard to keep a positive mindset around it.

I’ve had lots of time to think about how I would like for him to respond. I know I can’t control how he responds. I know it is not healthy to be attached to how he responds. But, despite all that, I’m finding I have strong feelings around how I hope he responds.

I want him to show enthusiasm about reading my story. I don’t want him to say, “No.” I don’t want him to begrudgingly agree to read it. I want him to really want to read my story.

I want him to not mistake my invitation to build an emotional connection with an invitation to start a romantic relationship. But, I am very, very sure this won’t be an issue for two reasons: 1) I’m too fat to be attractive, and 2) James would never, ever cross that line; he would never even flirt with someone other than his wife, not even a little bit.

I want him to insist on sharing the story with Cindy because that would indicate he is transparent in all his interactions with other women . . . with people in general. That would be proof that he is “safe” and trustworthy. That would be proof that he is as high quality of a man as I need him to be.

I need him to be “that kind” of guy. I need to have proof there are men in this world who aren’t manipulative, selfish assholes.

I need him to be my hero in that way. There are already two men in my 3-D life that are my heros . . . my therapist and my cousin. I’m hoping for a third hero.

I’m holding my breath.

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