Posted by: Marie | September 8, 2012

(706) Letting go of the memories

Post #706
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, October 16]

I heard back from Edward this morning:

Dear Marie,

Thank you for your courage in being so transparent with me. That was very courageous of you – revealing these heart-felt thoughts and feelings. I appreciate your trust in me.

I look forward to our shared time together, and to taking the time to caringly, and gently, process these many ideas and feelings.

I’m certainly agreeable to waiting till the 26th to meet again, and would be delighted to see you sooner if you’d like that.

Warmly,
Edward

—–

I sent back a quick response:

Hi, Edward –

Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I’m working through some heavy stuff but I’m doing okay with it . . . I’m not in crisis mode . . . I’ll be okay until the 26th. I look forward to working through some of this with you then!

– Marie

—–

Recently, I’ve realized that it takes a lot of my brainpower to keep track of all the details of my historical story. I realized I’ve been holding this belief that, if I don’t retain vivid memories of what happened and how it affected me, then it wasn’t really as bad as I’m claiming it was. I’ve been believing that really bad stuff can never be forgotten . . . that the memories and the traumatic effects never fade.

Sun Moon Lake by Martin Chen

But, as healing is occurring, the memories are becoming less vivid. The somatic memories are becoming less powerful and less intrusive. I have been feeling pressure to keep the memories alive and fresh in order to justify how “broken” I still feel.

In the past week, I’ve realized that my thinking around this matter is faulty. There is no reason for me to keep the memories alive. It is okay if I start forgetting names and dates and colors and the chronological order of events. It is okay if the power of the emotions attached to those memories starts to fade.

In fact, that is desirable. I won’t lose my justification for anything if that happens . . . because there is nothing to justify. I know what happened and I know how it affected me. And now, it is okay if I start to let what happened move into the past.

But, I want to capture what happened so that, if I ever want to recall it, I can. If I ever want to share it with someone with whom I’m building an emotional connection, I can. I know the journey of the past few years is captured in my blog. And, in fact, some details about my childhood are also captured in my blog.

However, I can’t really ask people to read my blog if they want to know my story . . . I’ve published maybe 500,000 words . . . that’s too much to ask someone to read. And, I’m starting to carry fewer of the details in my brain, so it is harder for me to verbally share a “complete” ad hoc version of my story. So, I’ve decided the best solution is to capture a relatively short version of the story. Then, I can hand that synopsis to someone, and invite him or her to read it, if doing so seems appropriate.

This weekend, I put the finishing touches on that story.

(Editorial note: You can read what I wrote here)

Yesterday’s interaction with James was so encouraging to me that I have decided to take another risk. I’m going to ask him if he is willing and interested in reading this abbreviated version of my story. I know it is a risk to reach out to him this way. But, I really want to.

So, tonight, before turning off my light and going to sleep, I sent an email to James:

Hi, James –

I trust you were able to get some rest today! I really appreciate that you made the extra effort to show up for your lesson yesterday despite the morning you had! That shows real dedication!

On another topic . . . I’ve been working on a writing project for the past month or so and was able to complete it today. It is a condensed version of “my story”.

I can imagine it is challenging for you to know how to interact with me concerning physical space and physical contact. I wonder if you would prefer to know some of what I’m dealing with so you can better know how to interact with me.

I’m going to step out of my comfort zone and offer to email this document to you, if it would be of interest to you. I have two concerns:

1) By doing so, I’m clearly crossing the professional boundary into the personal one. This is risky.

2) This document might contain more information than you care to know about me.

However, I figure you can read as much or as little as you care to, at your leisure. And, you could share it with Cindy, if you cared to.

If nothing else, I would like for you and Cindy to know the side of the story behind my teaching piano lessons that most people will never know . . . the part that I think is incredibly inspiring.

How do you feel about that? If this is not comfortable for you, please let me know. You have my word that I will honor any boundary you might set.

– Marie


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