Posted by: Marie | September 6, 2012

(705) Maybe it’s safe

Post #705
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, October 15 at 10:00pm]

I had a couple of piano lessons scheduled for this morning.

After waking up early and vomiting my feelings of hopelessness into my journal (see previous blog post), and before I headed to my studio, I sent an email to Edward:

Hi, Edward –

I thought I’d pass along a status report that contains some journal entries I’ve written since the last session . . . so you can have an idea of where I’m at with things.

– Marie

I attached the text from my October 5th brain dump and this morning’s brain dump to the email.

Then, I pulled myself together, got dressed, and headed over to the studio . . .

Just before my first lesson, I got a call from James (the cop). He was scheduled for a 10:30am lesson this morning – my second lesson of the day. He phoned to say he had been called in to investigate an attempted homicide case early this morning . . . he was still at the scene and there was no way he was going to be able to make his lesson . . . but, he thought he would be free by early afternoon and he wanted to know if I was available then . . .

I had planned to spend the day at the studio working on some projects until 4:00pm, so rescheduling his lesson to the afternoon was no problem. It didn’t really matter to me what time we did his lesson. I told him to just give me 15-20 minutes notice so I could make sure I wasn’t out running errands when he arrived.

He called around 1:30pm and showed up around 2:00pm. He said he was a bit tired – it had been a short night for him – but that he was awake enough to do the lesson.

Sun Moon Lake by Martin Chen

He was unusually relaxed – normally, he is very focused and intense. But, not today . . . he was relaxed . . . almost silly. I’ve never seen him like that before and it was refreshing!

Before we sat down to do the lesson, he told me a little about the case. It had appeared to be an attempted murder on a woman at a hotel. So, his team had been focused on figuring out who had shot her and figuring out how to catch the bad guy. But then, they figured out it was an attempted suicide. That pretty much closed the case because it is not a crime in Colorado to shoot oneself. That’s why he was only on the scene and with her in the hospital for part of a day and not all day.

At any rate, he was very relaxed and chatty . . . maybe he needed to decompress a bit. If that was indeed the case, I’m glad he felt he could do that in my company.

We had his lesson – an hour long one. After the lesson, he didn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave. He packed up his stuff and took a few steps towards the exit . . . we’d talk a bit more, he take a few steps towards the exit, then he would stop and turn around and chat some more . . . he acted like he was enjoying the conversation.

I am encouraged by his behavior. I have been so sure that he would run away – quit lessons and never talk to me again – because I said something to him about being uncomfortably startled whenever he stands behind me and places his hand on my arm from behind . . . when I don’t see it coming. I was hoping he would bring up the topic today so we could clear the air and so I would know where we stood on the matter. But, he didn’t, and I wasn’t brave enough to bring it up myself.

Logically, I know my request for him to not startle me is reasonable. It is reasonable to ask someone not to do that. But, after I made that request of him, I had convinced myself that he would surely leave – that is what always happens – men run away whenever I express preferences – whenever I express a complaint. I figured the same thing would happen with James.

After he left, I had a little conversation with myself – I thought, “Well, that isn’t the behavior of someone who is getting ready to leave . . . maybe it is safe for me to think he’s not getting ready to stop taking lessons from me.” I really felt connected with him.

And, it felt good.


  1. Good to hear

    • Thank you, Evan!

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