Posted by: Marie | August 20, 2012

(693) A trustworthy picker – Part 1 of 2

Post #693
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, September 14, 2011]

Today was a therapy session day . . .

After our usual greetings, I began the session by giving Edward an update on the latest news . . .

——————————–

Me: I hit a major milestone in my business over Labor Day . . .

Edward: What milestone is that?

Me: Several new students signed up over the holiday weekend and now my teaching schedule is full. I can’t take on any new students right now . . . well, I can interview people, but I can’t start giving them lessons until an existing student quits. They will have to go on a waitlist.

Edward: That is awesome! Congratulations!

Me: I remember just a few months ago having a conversation with you about my fears around giving up the safety net of having a second job! And now . . . my teaching schedule is so full I have to go to a waitlist! I’m glad I was brave enough to move forward.

On the Lake by Martin Chen

Edward: Well done! I’m so glad for you!

Me: Thank you.

And, I got my new piano last week. I need to clean it up . . . and tune it . . . but it will be so cool to get it operational. I have to let it sit a couple of weeks to get acclimated to the new environment, then I can start the tuning process. It might take several tunings to get it up to par . . . but I’m so excited that I’ll have a REAL piano to use in my teaching.

The kids are very excited about it, too . . . they keep asking to do their lessons on it. I tell them we can’t use it for a lesson yet, but I let them play on it for a few minutes just to get a feel for it.

Edward: I am so happy for you! You deserve such a nice gift!

Me: Thank you!

And, of course . . . I went to my cousins’ house . . .

Edward: Yes, of course . . .

(I told him all about my trip and how the trip met and exceeded all my hopes.)

Me: There is something that really stood out to me about Caleb and Nell . . . they seem to celebrate just being alive . . . there is a sense of ceremony around everything they do . . . preparing a meal, eating, resting, visiting with guests, getting dressed for the day, feeding the animals . . . there is a sense of harmony and purpose in “just being”.

Edward: What was it like for you to witness that sense of harmony in their home?

Me: It created a sense of security for me . . . of safety. It was breathtaking to experience that energy . . .

However . . . now that I’m back, I’ve been feeling very sad. I’ve been very sad ever since I came back . . . it’s been several days and the sad feeling hasn’t faded.

Edward: Tell me more about that . . .

Me: Well, it felt so good when I was at their house. And now that I’m back home, all I can think about is going back. It’s like I’m a silly adolescent schoolgirl with a silly crush on a boy in my class.

While it felt really good to be there, I feel really bad now. While it felt good then, the pain I’m feeling now from wanting to go back there is bigger than the good feelings. It makes it almost not worthwhile . . . it is less painful to just not have those kinds of experiences. I don’t know how long I’m going to feel this way. I think it is less painful, overall, to just not have those kinds of experiences.

I just feel silly . . . having a crush on my cousin . . . it is silly of me to be so infatuated.

Edward: Do you think that “infatuation” feeling is a bad thing?

Me: Yes . . . it is silly, immature, desperate . . .

Edward: Marie, it is very reasonable to want that kind of experience on a regular basis. That is normal – it makes you human. There is nothing bad . . . or immature or desperate . . . about it.

I suspect that your desire for that type of experience is so very strong now because you didn’t have it as a child. You’ve not ever had it as an adult, either. You are experiencing unconditional acceptance by a man for the first time in your life. It is very normal for you to enjoy that experience and want more of it.

(After a thoughtful pause) Congratulations for letting down your guard enough to allow yourself to have such a healing experience . . .

Let me ask you something . . . what would it be like to have the kind of experience on a daily basis?

Me: Well, that would be nice . . . but I know that is not going to happen. It is too painful to even contemplate that possibility. I’m just not ready to think about that . . . I’m not ready to allow myself hope around that.

Edward: Okay . . . and that is fine. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t yet ready to do.

Me: Good . . . thanks . . .

Can I change the subject?

Edward: Absolutely!

Me: Okay, good . . .

If you remember from my email, I had a lesson with the cop . . .

Edward: Yes, I remember . . .

Me: He has a habit of touching people when he talks to them . . . I think it is a way for him to connect emotionally with people.

He’s had a couple of lessons now, so I’ve had somewhat of a chance to get used to his touching me . . . he usually touches my forearm and sometimes my shoulder . . . they are benign touches . . .

I found his touching unsettling at first, but I’m starting to actually like it . . . I do feel more emotionally connected with him because of the touching . . . and I feel very safe with him. His touch is not inappropriate or sexual in nature . . . I find it comforting, most of the time.

The one issue I have with it is that sometimes, when he is behind me, he will touch me on my shoulder or back and I don’t see it coming . . . and that startles me.

It’s not a really big deal . . . I could make a point of remembering that he might touch me when he is behind me so it doesn’t startle me . . . and, it is not a disabling reaction, just startling. I can feel that I kind of slip out of my body when he startles me like that . . . I mean, I don’t totally dissociate, I just kind of separate a little bit and then I take a big breath and move back into alignment. It’s not that big of a deal . . . I can handle it . . .

Edward: It is a big deal . . . anything that causes you to feel uncomfortable is a big deal . . . even if you are capable of tolerating it . . . even if you are capable of surviving it . . . you don’t have to tolerate it or survive it. You are not obligated to tolerate anything that causes you discomfort.

Me: I understand that . . . but I don’t want to be overly dramatic . . . most people wouldn’t have an issue with it . . . it seems like I’m being overly sensitive about it. The average person wouldn’t have an issue with it . . .

Edward: But you have an issue with it . . . it doesn’t matter how it might affect any other person . . . it matters how it affects you.

Me: I guess it would be okay to talk to him about it . . . I think I would like to talk about it with him . . .

But, I have an ulterior motive behind my wanting to talk to him about it . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. Hi Marie, I do agree with Edward(‘s judgement about your judgement of yourself) about your strong reaction to having a need met.

    Looking forward to hearing what happens with the cop.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I’m slowly becoming more aware of my judgments around having needs . . . and learning to allow myself to have them and meet them! It is a huge shift!

      – Marie


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