Posted by: Marie | August 7, 2012

(684) My hoping feels appropriate

Post #684
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, September 7, 2011]

I sent an email to Edward today:

Hi, Edward –

Just checking in . . .

I trust your holiday weekend was blissful . . .

I have some big news . . . during the holiday weekend, I took on four more new students. That brings my total to 51 active students. I decided that was enough students and I posted on my website that my teaching schedule for the school year is full . . . but that I’m maintaining a waiting list for when timeslots become available.

When I first started, 3+ years ago, I thought MAYBE I could get to 40 or 50 students within five years. Then, this summer, I was at 40 signed up for the fall and, based upon my growth trend, I figured I would likely get to 50 around Christmas. But, it didn’t take that long. I’m rather amazed . . and very glad! This is so awesome!

On the Hike by Martin Chen

And, Friday is the BIG DAY . . . the new piano arrives in the morning, then I travel to my cousin’s house in the afternoon. I’ll come back Saturday afternoon.

As I’m preparing to go, I find my soul is aching for the deep emotional connection I’d like to experience with my cousin and his wife. As the hour of departure comes closer, the ache is growing stronger and stronger. I find myself instinctively pushing that feeling down and being “tough.” Then, I realize what I’m doing and make a concerted effort to allow it to come up.

It’s almost a (sweet?) feeling . . . not painful, just sweet . . . it’s the feeling I used to have as a teenager when I had a crush on someone and I was hoping he would fall in love with me. So, part of me doesn’t want to feel this (sweet?) feeling because I’m afraid of the devastating letdown if/when things don’t go as hoped.

Except, now, I also have a sense of being “mature” in my hoping . . . I’m aware that my hoping feels appropriate to me where it always felt inappropriate, shameful and “dirty” back then . . . I’m still sorting through all of those feelings . . .

And, yes . . . I am feeling some hope this week . . . the hopelessness has been on vacation for a week or so.

And, one of the dads of a current young student started taking lessons about 10 days ago (he’s had two lessons so far) . . . I’ve talked about him before with you . . .

He is a supervisory investigator for the police department in the “crimes against people” division. He deals with murders and rapes and child abuse day in and day out . . . and with the victims of those crimes. He has a grounded and gentle spirit — and he’s very empathetic . . . I’ve always felt very safe and “heard” and “seen” with him as I’ve gotten to know him as his daughter has been taking lessons. I like the whole family . . . his wife is really cool — down to earth, fun . . . I like all of them and could easily see myself being friends with them.

So, with this shift in the relationship between the dad and me, some “boundary” things have come up — for example, he is a touchy-feely type of guy . . . he often puts his hand on my shoulder or my back when we are talking . . . he does it to everyone . . . and he does it in front of his daughter and wife, so I don’t think it is a flirty thing (nor does it feel like it) . . . but sometimes, when my back is turned to him, he’ll touch my shoulder or back and I about go through the ceiling because I didn’t see it coming . . . I don’t react much (at all?) outwardly, but I get this sickening lightening jolt inside of me when that happens.

I’d like for the touching to continue because it feels safe and healing to me . . . but I wish he knew to make sure I saw it coming . . . but I don’t think it is appropriate to go into the “why” with him . . . but it might actually be good for him to know some of the reasons, but it might end up making him feel more uncomfortable . . . . and I have a strong urge to tell him EVERYTHING as a way to connect emotionally with him and because I don’t think it would freak him out (because of what he does for a living) . . . sometimes I want to tell him even when it is clear to me that it could ruin the professional and the “friendly” relationship I have with the entire family.

I’ve actually resisted the idea of talking to you about him because I have this idea that, if I talk to you about it, I will no longer have the option of choosing the unhealthy options that the immature parts of me compulsively want to choose (like coming onto him sexually). So, I’m having this internal battle between doing what is healthiest and what is familiar.

Phew . . . a lot of stuff swirling around . . . pretty intense time emotionally right now — but mostly in an upbeat way. The next therapy session promises to be interesting!!

I’ll see you next week!

– Marie


  1. Congratulations on your business. Building a business is no easy thing.

    I hope the time at your cousin’s went well.

    • I appreciate your kind thoughts!

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