Posted by: Marie | July 26, 2012

(677) Please don’t give up on me

Post #677
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, August 24, 2011 at 10:00pm]

Since my therapy session this morning, my mind has been heavily focused on what all we talked about in the session. I’m trying to find some hope-filled nugget that I can hang onto to keep myself out of that familiar place of hopelessness . . .

I’ve been feeling significantly better lately . . . but I can feel that the session has triggered me and I’m sliding back into that very dark place.

I know Edward keeps telling me that there is no hurry for me to get better . . . I am welcome to take as much time as I need to take to find my way along this healing journey.

But, in the session, we once again reviewed my damaged thinking around the possibility – or lack thereof – of a healthy romantic relationship. Edward has heard it all before . . . many times before. It’s not getting better. I don’t think it will ever get better.

Flower by Martin Chen

I’m sure Edward is getting tired of hearing it. How many more times is he willing to hear it before he figures out it’s not going to get any better . . . ?? Then what . . . he has no choice but to tell me to go away . . .

I found myself wishing I could reach out to Edward for some assurance . . . I wanted to disclose this crushing fear to him . . . anything to find some relief . . . I don’t want to just stuff it down with ice cream, I really want to reach out and share it with him as a way to find relief.

But, I can’t. It’s 10 o’clock at night. I’m sure he is tucked away with his family in their safe home . . .

So, I’ve decided on the next best thing . . . I sent off an email . . . I captured my real feelings and my real thoughts, even though they seem childish and “victim-ish,” and I sent them off to him.

I’m hoping it will help get me through the night . . . I’m sure it will help to know Edward will read it tomorrow . . . I hope.

——————-

Hi, Edward –

Okay, I’m having a meltdown tonight . . .

It seems I’ve been saying the same thing over and over . . . that I have no hope that I will get to the place where dating in a healthy way is a possibility. I’m tired of saying it, but it is still true – I want it to not be true, I want to have hope. But, I don’t.

Tonight, I’m very sure that you’re tired of hearing that and that you think I’m malingering. I’m not, but I don’t see how you can think anything else.

At this moment, I’m sure you’re going to give up on me . . . and I have no hope . . . if you lose hope, then there is no hope at all.

I need assurance, again, that you won’t ever give up on me. Please don’t.

– Marie


Responses

  1. I’ll be interested to see Edward’s reply!

    • Hey, Evan –

      As you can imagine, he handles it in classic Edward style!

      – Marie

  2. I already know what Edward’s response was to this, and my guess is that at least part of it was similar to mine — immense respect and joy that instead of pushing your vulnerability down, you reached out to him with it.

    • Thank you, David . . .

      I could feel that my response was very different from past responses . . . it was a big deal to do this differently!

      – Marie


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