Posted by: Marie | July 19, 2012

(671) Uncertain about his touch

Post #671
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, August 20, 2011]

I’ve been reflecting on something that happened a few days ago . . .

The daughter (Sara) of the cop/paramedic couple (James/Cindy) had a lesson on Wednesday. During the summer, Cindy always brought Sara to her lessons because there is enough flexibility in my summer schedule to arrange a time for lessons when Cindy is off duty. However, during the school year, whichever of them is off duty on Sara’s lesson day brings her – and school started last week.

This week, James brought Sara to her lesson. It was the first time I’ve seen him since school let out in the spring. After Sara’s lesson, he mentioned to me that he still wants to start taking lessons. He had originally planned to start in May. Then, he decided to wait until after summer – and it is now “after summer”. So, he figured, if he was going to do it, he should do it now. He said, “If not now, when . . . ??”

Going White by Martin Chen

We scheduled his first lesson for a week from today . . . as in, next Saturday morning. Sara will be with him because Cindy is on-duty that day, but he believes she can entertain herself quietly for an hour. I agree . . . I think it will be fine.

We scheduled his second lesson for two weeks later, on September 3rd. He said Sara won’t be with him on that day because she will be with Cindy. I assured him either way was fine with me.

I’m excited about having him as a student. I think they are the neatest family and I would like the opportunity to develop a healthy, “above-board” relationship with a “safe” and emotionally “awake” man. I know for sure that he would not do anything to jeopardize his marriage – I know for sure that I don’t have to worry about him behaving inappropriately with me.

In fact, if I said or did anything inappropriate, he would drop out of lessons immediately and report the situation to his wife and that would be the end of he and I having any association with each other . . . at least, in my heart of hearts, that’s what I believe about him.

At Sara’s lesson this week, I noticed something . . .

When James was talking to me, he touched me on my arm and my shoulder a number of times. They were just quick touches . . . I imagine for the purpose of creating an emotional connection . . . nothing that really made me feel uncomfortable . . .

It was more that his touching is an unfamiliar experience for me. I don’t have anyone else in my life who touches me like that.

I haven’t decided if I like it or not . . . I haven’t yet decided if it is okay for him to touch me like that. I’ll have to think about it some more.

I am very certain that he is not doing it as a way to “come onto me” . . . I don’t get that sense at all. I think it is just part of his usual mannerisms . . . . part of his core personality. He has a gentle and comforting personality, so it makes sense that he would “reach out” physically to connect with someone on an emotional level. (He is a very unusual cop, let me tell you . . . he doesn’t have that hard “edge” that most cops have.)

He touched me in front of his daughter . . . so, there was no sense that he was trying to do it on the sly . . . and, if I remember correctly, he has touched me like that in front of his wife on previous occasions.

If I’m not remembering correcting and he hasn’t touched me that way in front of his wife, I am quite certain he would. I don’t think his wife being there would affect his behavior either way . . . I think it is just something he does with everyone. I don’t get any vibe that he’s trying anything inappropriate – I feel very safe with him.

I just have to figure out how I feel about being touched . . . part of me finds it comforting, part of me finds it invasive . . . I guess time will tell . . .

I’m quite certain that, if I asked him to stop, he would stop in an heartbeat . . . I’m sure he would be horrified if he became aware he had caused me any discomfort. I’m very certain that it wouldn’t be anything like my experience with Father Jim.

Bottom line, I feel confident I can easily implement a boundary with James, should I feel the need to do so. I feel very safe with him.


  1. Sounds like things are going great with you

    • This is definately new territory!

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