Posted by: Marie | July 4, 2012

(662) Not everything is my fault – Part 2 of 4

Post #662
[Private journal entry written on Friday, August 5, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]


Edward: So, in our last session, we talked about how it would be helpful to you if I was more forthcoming and transparent with my plan for how we might best use our session time.

Me: Yes!

Edward: In furtherance of that, I wanted to mention to you that the topic I had in mind for today’s session is some of the ways in which you might start building healthy relationships with men. But, I want to be very clear with you that we don’t have to talk about that – it is only a fallback plan. Anything else you would like to cover takes precedence, of course.

Me: Thank you for letting me know that . . . I had been worried if you really would come into the session with a topic planned. It gives me a sense of relief to know you do have a plan.

Flower by Martin Chen

I am very clear that anything else I would like to cover first has precedence.

So . . . I actually do have a few things I’d like to touch on first, then we can go to the topic you have suggested.

Edward: Great! Let’s cover whatever you have in mind first!

Me: Okay! I have a couple of things I wanted to mention . . .

Well first . . . I’m getting an acoustic piano for my studio . . .

(I told him about my studio’s landlady giving me the piano and my plans to move it from her house to my studio on September 9th . . . he expressed his congratulations.)

Me: And, second . . . I wanted to give you an update on my getting together with my cousins, Caleb and Nell . . .

Edward: I’d love to hear an update about that!

Me: We have set the date for my visit . . . I’ll be going down there on September 9th and returning the next day, September 10th – which means that weekend is a big weekend, between the delivery of my new piano and this trip to my cousins’ house . . .

Edward: I’d say so!

Me: Anyway . . . in my “to do” list, I had listed that I needed to prepare an outline of what I would like to say to them about my own story, and questions I would like to ask of them.

However, I have taken that “to do” item off my list . . . I have decided to not prepare for that visit . . . for that conversation. I’m going to trust that I will instinctively know what to say. I’m going to just allow the conversation to unfold naturally.

Well, I do have my opening question ready . . . I’ll start by asking them to tell me “their story” . . . how they met, how they ended up where they are now . . . what has worked, what hasn’t worked, what they might do differently if they had the chance . . .

I figure that’s a good place to start because I really don’t know much about them. I’ve never had a conversation with them beyond a few minutes of superficial chatting at a family reunion or two.

Edward: Good! I’m glad to hear you are going to trust your instinct and just allow the conversation to unfold organically! Good for you!

Me: Thanks!

(After a thoughtful pause) I think it will be a really healthy, healing step for me . . .

(As I said these words, I became a bit emotional. My voice got quivery and my eyes filled with tears. A few tears escaped and rolled down my face . . . )

Edward: Tell me about the tears . . .

Me: When I think of going to my cousins’ house, I get a good feeling . . . a feeling that I’m welcome there and that I’m not annoying them by asking to visit. I actually believe I’m going to be heard and seen and appreciated by them.

I’ve come to realize that I’m never going to have that with my brother and I have to let go of the hope it will happen with my brother. But, maybe I can have that with Caleb . . . and with Nell.

I’m emotional because feeling this way is a new – and very good – experience. Maybe things won’t turn out as uplifting and healing as I am hoping for, but at least I’m enjoying the experience of anticipating feeling welcome and feeling wanted by them.

Edward: May I tell you what is coming into my awareness as you are sharing all of this with me?

Me: Sure!

Edward: I am hearing that you are starting to trust that people want to invest time and energy in you – that you are starting to believe you are worth it. I am proud of you for accepting this wonderful gift of a piano from your landlady . . . I am proud of you for taking your cousins up on their offer to visit. These are really big steps forward in your healing.

Me: Yes, I agree. I am very aware of the shift occurring in this area . . . it is a very good shift . . . I like it!

Edward: Congratulations on creating and allowing that shift! Well done!

Me: Thank you . . .

(After a quiet moment of reflection, I moved on to the next thing I wanted to share with Edward . . . )

Me: I’ve been watching the Dr. Drew Show a lot . . . he is a medical doctor and addiction specialist who examines the reasons people do what they do . . . he focuses on current events. Lately, he has been covering the FLDS trial of Warren Jeffs. Are you familiar with that trial?

Edward: No . . .

Me: Oh . . . well, Jeffs is the leader of a fundamentalist group that broke off from the Church of Latter Day Saints. His group embraces plural marriage, and most new brides are under-age. So, he is on trial for sexually assaulting a number of his under-aged ‘”brides”.

Edward: Ah . . . got it . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]

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