Posted by: Marie | May 19, 2012

(635) A melting iceberg – Part 3 of 5

Post #635
[Private journal entry written on Monday, June 6, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

———————-

Edward: It sounds like you think about those romantic relationships – or the lack thereof – a lot of the time.

———————-

Once again, the anger and frustration swelled up inside of me and I pulled myself into my small child-body energy – my head down, eyes focused on my mug – feeling really to explode, trying to understand why I was being triggered so strongly. I wanted to tell Edward what I was feeling – to put words to my feelings. But, I couldn’t find the words. Instead, I just flicked the rim of my mug . . .

———————-

Edward: Where are you now?

Me: I’m frustrated and angry . . . again . . .

Edward: About what?

Me: It’s more of the same . . .

Edward: The same what . . ??

Me: (With exasperation) I didn’t say I don’t think about romantic relationships . . . I think a lot about the fact that I don’t seem to be able to deal with relationships. I think a lot about the pain of having no hope around that.

I never said I didn’t think about it. I just have no hope about it . . . that’s what I said.

Edward: Oh, I see.

Did I miss you?

Me: What do you mean?

Edward: It is my intention to “get you” – to really hear you and to really understand you . . . I’m wondering if I failed to do that . . . I’m wondering if I “missed you”.

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: It feels that way to me.

Edward: I am sorry . . . that wasn’t my intention. Thank you for telling me that – it was brave of you to tell me that. What can I do to better “get you”? It is important to me that you feel heard and seen and understood in here – how can I better create that experience for you?

Me: It feels like you think I don’t really want what I say I want – that I could do more to make it happen but that I’m refusing to do what needs to be done to make it happen.

Edward: I don’t think that at all. I think you are working very hard to bring a special romantic relationship into your life. I think you are doing all you know to do.

Me: I guess it feels to me that you think there is more I could be doing – or that I could do it faster.

Edward: I don’t think that at all.

Do you think there is more you could be doing or that you could do it faster?

Me: Sometimes I think that.

Edward: What more could you be doing?

Me: That’s the problem – I don’t know. How can I do it better or faster if I don’t know how to do it better or faster?

Edward: What does it mean if you did know how to do it better and faster but are not doing it better and faster?

Me: It would mean that I’m being overly dramatic . . . that I’m malingering.

Edward: Oh, really? Who taught you that?

Me: My dad . . . of course.

(After a relective pause and deep sigh) I guess that was just my childhood training coming out . . . me being defensive . . . so, I see that . . .

I’m okay . . . we can move on . . .

Edward: Okay . . . I don’t want to hurry you . . . I want to make sure we give this insight the time and space it deserves . . .

Me: I’m good . . . I get it . . . I’m okay, we can move on . . .

Edward: Okay . . .

Let me put a possibility out there for you to consider . . .

Is it possible you do have hope for a romantic relationship . . . and that the hope is frightening to you . . .

Is it possible that the idea you might get healthy – and then you might have to deal with the possibility of dating – frightens and overwhelms you?

Me: I suppose that is possible . . . but it doesn’t feel exactly “on the mark” . . .

I think it is more that . . . well, that I can’t afford to have hope . . . I can’t afford to continuously have hope for something that never happens . . . that never will happen. It is more tolerable to not allow myself to hope.

But, having said that . . . yes, I think it is possible that the possibility of dating could contribute to the overall anxiety I feel. But, there are things I want to do that have nothing to do with dating – and I can’t do those things because of my destructive behaviors.

For example, when I had my motorcycle, I often would ride in a “sane” way – I mean, I wouldn’t always ride like a wild woman, I wouldn’t always ride dangerously, I more often rode in a relaxed manner. When I rode like that, I experienced great pleasure.

In order to go riding, all I’d have to do is get out of bed, put on my riding outfit, put a little gas in the bike and go. I had the bike, I had the riding outfit, I had the money for gas . . . all I had to do was pull myself out of bed. And, I couldn’t make that happen . . . I was too depressed.

I knew I would really enjoy myself if I could get myself out of bed, I just couldn’t get out of bed. That has nothing to do with dating; that was just about me doing something that was fun to do. The same thing with going hiking . . . I love to hike, all I have to do is get out of bed and go, but I can’t.

Edward: It sounds like it could be about allowing yourself pleasure . . . that you find it difficult to give yourself permission to experience pleasure.

Me: Yeah . . . I’ve come to the conclusion, too. But, I don’t understand what is behind that . . . how to fix it.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


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