Posted by: Marie | February 10, 2012

(629) Attempting to thaw – Part 5 of 5

Post #629
[Private journal entry written on Monday, May 23, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

—————————–

Edward: (After watching me carefully for a minute) What is happening for you now?

Me: I’m just frustrated! I’m feeling angry . . . really, really angry . . .

Edward: Tell me more about that . . .

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: (Raising my voice a bit) I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m angry about . . . I’m just really angry right now.

I hate this place. I hate being in this place.

Edward: What place is that?

Me: This place of hopelessness . . .

When I feel like this, I don’t want to go on . . . it would be easier to not live.

When I don’t think about stuff like this, I can psych myself into at least being ambivalent about living or dying. But, when I allow myself to feel these feelings . . . to remember these feelings, I don’t want to be alive.

I wish I could identify what it is I’m angry about, but I can’t. If I knew, it would help me know what to do to fix it.

Edward: It is okay that you don’t know what you are angry about. You don’t need to know right now. Instead, can you tell me what it feels like?

Me: I feel like I’m going to explode (making fists and shaking them in front of me) and I want to just . . . I want to just hit something . . . hurt something . . .

I want . . . maybe it would be a good thing if I could hit the pillow with the racquet . . . can I do that?

Edward: Absolutely! I’ll get it for you . . .

———————–

He pulled out the racquet and handed it to me. I wrapped the racquet’s safety cord around my wrist and set the racquet on the pillow.

I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and allowed myself to really feel the anger. I encouraged it to flow out from my gut and into my arm . . . down my arm and into my hand . . . I tried to cause my anger to raise my arm and bring the racquet down on the pillow . . . but, my arm remained frozen. I couldn’t raise the racquet off the pillow, much less bring it down hard on the pillow.

I took some more deep breaths and checked to see if I could get any words – any noise – to come from my vocal chords. Nope, nothing . . . my entire body was once again frozen.

———————–

Me: Nope . . . I still can’t do it.

I want to . . . I just can’t.

(Resigned) I don’t know if I ever will be able to.

Edward: You don’t have to – you don’t ever have to.

Me: (Still with my eyes closed) The energy inside of me is in turmoil; it doesn’t know which way to flow. It wants to come out . . .

It wants to come out but I stuff it down with food . . .

My dad stuffed it down with punishment . . . men stuffed it back in with their penises . . .

Edward: Can you tell any of that to your dad?

(I tried to move the words past my lips, but . . . no . . . I was still too frozen. I focused on my breathing, I focused on calming my energy by pulling healing energy in from my environment, I focused sitting up as straight and on relaxing my shoulders . . . several minutes passed by as I waged an internal war . . . )

Edward: Are you here or are you gone?

Me: I’m still here . . . I’m just feeling what is happening in my body.

I keep trying to figure out which way to ask the energy in my body to flow . . . it feels like I need to draw it in from somewhere . . . but I don’t know if I should draw it in from the heaven or from the earth . . . I don’t know if I should help it move upward or downward through my body to get it moving in a coordinated manner . . .

Edward: What do you mean when you say you need to draw it in from somewhere?

Me: I need to draw in strength from some source so I can cause my voice to work.

Edward: Marie, you are already strong . . . you are staying present and you are facing your lifetime of terror. You don’t need to draw in strength from an outside source. You have enough energy stored up to supply your own needs. You already have enough strength within you. You are already strong.

(I opened my eyes, took my hand out of the racquet’s cord, handed the racquet back to Edward and got back up onto the couch.)

Me: But, what if I’m never able to stand up to my dad . . . what if I stay paralyzed forever?

Edward: That is okay. We’ll find a way through together.

Me: I need to use my voice – to move my body – in order to find healing – if I can’t do that, I don’t know how I’m going to heal.

Edward: There are other ways. We’ll figure it out together. I’m here for you – we’ll do it together.

Marie, can you appreciate how far you have come? Think back to the first time we talked about you being able to express your feelings with your body . . . do you remember how hard it was for you to simply stand up from the couch that first time?

Me: Yeah . . . you’re right. I guess I have come a long way.

I guess it was easy – well, relatively easy – for me to get on the floor today. I didn’t have to think about it too much . . . and, I was able to stay present, even when the memories got really intense.

Okay . . . I’m amazed.

Edward: You are amazed at what?

Me: I’m amazed at this . . . at us. We’ve come a long way together.

Edward: Yes, we have.

Me: I guess it will all happen at some point. Someday, when I’m ready, I’ll stand up to my dad . . . and I’ll swing the racquet . . . when I’m ready.

Edward: And there is no hurry . . . it is okay if it never happens. You’ve already done some incredible work . . . you’ve already come a long way on your healing journey. You’re doing just fine.

Me: And . . . last time I attempted to face my dad, I felt like I was going to die. This time, I “only” felt like I wanted to disappear. So, that’s improvement!

Edward: Absolutely!

———————–

That brought us to the end of the session. I left feeling like I had been through quite a journey . . . some parts good, some parts unpleasant . . . but, by the end, I was back in a mostly “good” place.


Responses

  1. Quite a journey!

    • Kind of all over the place!!

  2. I like how you and Edward are able to go as far as you are able, and that it is OK to be where you are and not have to push further for now. I know for me, appreciating where I have got to, when it’s so obviously not where I want to be in the end, is very tough.

    • Hi, Ellen –

      I struggle with the “should have’s” — I should be moving along faster, I shouldn’t be so stuck . . . so, I’m not always okay with being where I’m at . . . Edward is, though, and that allows me to be more okay with it.

      – Marie


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