Posted by: Marie | February 4, 2012

(627) Attempting to thaw – Part 3 of 5

Post #627
[Private journal entry written on Monday, May 23, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

—————————–

Me: So, do you have a preference on how we spend our time today?

Edward: No, I don’t. How would you like to spend it?

Me: I’m feeling strong and brave today . . . I’d like to try having a conversation with my dad.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that!

Me: Can you tell me what that would look like? I mean, we’ve talked about the kind of things I might say, so I’m pretty clear on that . . . but . . . what would it look like logistically? Would I talk to an empty chair, or would you pretend to be my dad and actually respond to what I say? Or . . . well . . . I don’t know . . . what would it look like?

Edward: I don’t care to pretend to be your dad, so I think your idea of talking to an empty chair would be more in-line with what I’m thinking. Or, you could close your eyes and talk to an image of your dad you are holding in your mind . . . it would be something like that. I would adjust how I led you based upon how things organically unfolded.

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: Okay . . . that’s what I would like to do today.

Edward: Did I answer your question?

Me: Yes . . . I mean, I don’t really know what it would look like . . . not the details . . . but . . . you’re going to lead me, right?

Edward: Yes.

Me: Okay . . . that’s all I need to know.

That’s what I want to do today. How do we get started?

Edward: Well, I’d like for you to close your eyes – if you feel comfortable doing so – and let yourself go back in time.

Me: I do feel comfortable doing that. (I closed my eyes.)

Edward: Okay . . . I’d like for you to recall how it felt to be around your dad. Try to remember sensory details . . . smells, sounds, tastes . . .

Go back in time as far as you can. The memories don’t have to be very clear . . . even a vague sense of an emotion or a shape or a time or a place would give us a starting point . . .

Me: I have several different memories floating around . . . I don’t know which one to pick . . .

Edward: It doesn’t really matter which one you choose . . . we can start with anyone of them.

Me: (After a few moments of quiet . . . )

I don’t have a clear memory, but it feels like I’m about three of four years old. I am sitting on the floor, playing with my dolls, minding my own business . . . in a world all my own.

Then, my dad walks into the room . . . he enters through the door that is behind me . . . without even seeing him, I can feel the shift in the energy of the room. It becomes heavy and dark.

Edward: Can you look around you? What can you tell me about the room?

Me: I can’t see anything about the room . . . it is a blank, colorless room. It doesn’t have any furniture – it really doesn’t even have walls. I’m just kind of floating out in the middle of this room.

But, it does have carpet . . . I’m kneeling on carpet . . .

Edward: Do you feel comfortable enough to sit on floor and act out that position and the activity of playing with your dolls?

Me: (I opened my eyes) Sure . . . I can do that.

Edward: Is there a particular place to which you would like to move? Do we need to move anything?

Me: I’m finding myself being pulled to this area of the floor (pointing to the floor space at our feet). In my memory, it seems that I was sitting in a bright spot on the floor . . . like in a block of sunshine on the floor coming through a window – in fact, just like that (pointing a few feet to the right of my feet) block of sunshine on your office floor.

Edward: Okay . . . would you like for me to leave the office while you move into position?

Me: No . . . it doesn’t seem like a big deal to do that . . . see, I can just do it. (I slipped off the couch and started crawling the short distance across the floor to the block of sunshine).

Edward: What can I do to support you? Would you like me to place some pillows on the floor?

Me: Yes, I think pillows might be nice.

(He brought some to me and placed them on the floor near me.)

Edward: Where would you like for me to sit?

Me: You can sit in your chair . . .

Edward: Okay. I’ll sit in my chair. Let me know if there is anything else you need from me.

Me: I will . . . thank you.

———————–

I settled into a position that mimicked the position in which it seemed my child body had been in the memory . . . starting out on my knees with my butt on my heels, leaning forward with my hands on the floor, my upper body weight supported by my arms and hands.

In the memory, I could feel myself settling my butt all the way down onto the floor, in between my bent legs. However, my overweight adult body wouldn’t allow that much flexibility . . . my butt had to continue resting on my ankles.

I could feel the warmth of the sunshine on the top of my head. I remembered the carefree feeling of playing and pretending with my dolls.

———————–

Edward: Are you doing okay?

Me: Yes.

Edward: Do you feel comfortable closing your eyes again?

Me: Sure . . .

Edward: Let yourself go back in time . . . what can you tell me about sitting on the floor, playing with your dolls?

Me: I’m seeing some colors swirling around in the air above me . . . I’m seeing myself from outside my body so I can see the air above me . . . the colors are creating like a fog around me . . . swirling . . .

Edward: What colors are you seeing?

Me: A dull green . . . and a lighter brown . . . I don’t know what the colors are about.

Edward: Can you tell me what else is happening?

Me: I’m feeling frozen.

Edward: What parts of your body are feeling frozen?

Me: Um . . . I guess my lungs . . . my diaphragm . . . I can’t pull in a breath . . . my throat is closing up . . . I can’t push out any words . . .

Edward: What are you thinking? What are the words you were unable to say back then?

Me: I’m wondering . . . why am I in trouble? I can’t think of anything I did wrong. Why am I in trouble?

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. I continue to be so grateful that you found Edward as your respectful, creative, and deeply attuned process collaborator. It’s just amazing to see how far you’ve been able to come, once you found the right support.

    • Hi, David –

      I am constantly reminded of how gentle Edward is . . . he seems to know just what to say to help me through a particular rough spot.

      Thank you for the encouraging words!

      – Marie


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: