Posted by: Marie | October 1, 2011

(596) Clarity amid the confusion

Post #596
[Private journal entry written on Friday, March 18, 2011]

Last night, I jerked awake in the middle of the night . . .

I was having a very dark nightmare where I was trapped and ignored and punished . . . all the stuff I’ve been dreaming about lately. I guess my therapy session this week stirred things up for me again.

Anyway, I jerked awake from being submerged in the nightmare and sat up, trying to catch my breath. I went through the whole process of assuring myself that I was safe in my bed, that it was just a dream and not reality, that I was just processing history and it was no longer my reality . . .

As I became more awake, I realized I had a very heavy and tension-filled piece of music playing over and over in my head. It wasn’t anything I recognized . . . I don’t think I’ve heard it before.

It had a very complex chord progression . . . a progression that is beyond my knowledge of music theory. It also had an underlying counterpoint . . . a walking baseline that rumbled upward and downward underneath the dark melody.

Photo by Martin Chen

The whole piece was very clear to me . . . I could hear every note and every chord progression. I wasn’t sure where it came from, but I felt compelled to write it down while I was still in that half-asleep state.

Luckily, I had my laptop next to the bed. I opened up my composition software and captured the upper melody and chords. I started getting sleepy again before I could capture the counterpoint, but I was sure I would remember it later, as long as I had the higher notes captured – the whole arrangement was so clear in my head, I was sure I would remember.

I titled it, “Glimpses of Hope” because it felt like there is . . . or ought to be . . . a subsequent movement that reflects the light that comes after the darkest hour . . . I don’t know what that second movement would sound like, I just know that the next piece will reflect hope . . . hope that I haven’t yet found . . .

Maybe that part of the music will come as I find hope for myself and my future . . .

Anyway, I went back to sleep . . . and, in the morning, I awoke, of course. After a moment, I remembered the dream and the experience of capturing the music. But, I couldn’t remember the music.

With much curiosity, I powered up my computer and opened the composition (wav format / mp3 format) . . . surely, music written in a near-dream state ought to be good for a laugh . . .

But, it wasn’t laughable. Rather, it was powerful for me to hear and remember the music . . . it was unrefined, but powerful . . . and, the counterpoint came back into my head as soon as I heard the upper notes . . . and I could hear all the nuances of the music, even the parts I didn’t get captured in the middle of the night. The same emotions rose up strongly as I listened to it. It seems this music is linked to parts of me that have been buried and hidden away for decades . . .

I wonder where this came from . . . is it a piece I’ve heard played before . . . some recording I have tucked away in my huge library of CD’s . . . ?? I don’t know . . . I guess I’ll have to play it for some musically educated people and see what they think . . .

In the meantime, I guess I should write down the counterpoint and the other nuances before I forget them . . .

Anyway . . . changing topics . . . I’ve been processing what Edward and I covered in our session this week . . .

I went into the session unsure if Edward would come prepared with an agenda . . . I’m having trouble believing he’s really going to do that, even though he said he would . . .

However, the session flowed organically, so we didn’t need to turn to a prepared agenda. So, I still don’t know if he had one prepared or not. I guess I’ll have to wait until the next session to know . . .

I’ve also been thinking about the idea he presented that it would be okay for me to show up in relationships in my “natural” state . . . without having to “perform” . . .

Edward’s been encouraging me to consider the possibility that a man might want to be with me – to love me – just because . . . to love me for who I am when I am just “being”. That idea confounds me.

When I am “just being”, there is nothing special about me – nothing to cause me to stand out or be special in a way that demonstrates how I am exactly the woman some man is looking for . . . and, if I’m no different than anyone else, why would a man choose me over anyone else?

If a man is looking for someone who has certain qualities . . . hardworking, pretty, sexy, kind, smart . . . how will he know if I have those qualities (or not) if I’m just hanging out in my “natural state”, not performing? The only way he will see what qualities I bring to the table is for me to show off my qualities like a peacock showing off his plumage.

This confounds me – it doesn’t make sense to me.


  1. I wonder if you have made sense of this in the meantime.

    It is when we are absorbed in something that we are being ourselves. It is when we aren’t performing that people see who we are. We are our spontaneous selves as well as our deliberate selves. (It took me a long while to understand this.)

    If you think about what you love about your friends it is probably the quirky things that are ‘just them’. Rather than what they are good at.

    Unfortunately the music file wouldn’t download for me.

    • Hey, Evan –

      Well . . . no, I haven’t yet gotten this sorted out . . . I think I’m getting there, but it is easy for me to get stuck on this matter . . .

      At any rate, I’ve uploaded the composition in an mp3 format . . . will that work for you? If not, what format would work? I downloaded a format converter and it looks like I can convert to a number of formats . . .

      Thanks for your words of wisdom . . . I’m hoping they will resonate with me more so in the near future . . .

      – Marie

  2. Ah, that’s the dilemma — the only way he will see who you really are is if you’re not performing. Only then can he know that it’s the real you. Weird, huh? :-)

    • Yeah . . . mind boggling, actually!

      I’ll figure it out eventually! Thanks for the encouragement!

      – Marie

  3. Hi Marie,

    The format it is in has worked for other files for me. I don’t know if changing the format would make any difference. I’m not techy enough to know I’m afraid.

  4. That light you speak of can also be referred to as being present or being in the Now, as the Buddhists say. In that light you wont find yourself motivated by fear or worry nor your thoughts and beliefs. Preoccupations with the past or future tend to guide most people in their daily lives, or some form of escapism to mitigation the pain they feel. So when you can just be yourself for me that has meant that you have reunited the fragments that are you but who operate in isolation from one another. You see the shadow self, and reconcile with the contents within. You identify the masks, the personas you present so that a particular person or person(s) will perceive just how you’d like to be perceived. You’ll see the injured parts born of a painfully wounded inner child but by the time you love yourself unconditionally and have self compassion for choices made and self forgiveness for all your actions because they were born out of such tremendous wrong treatment. All your parts will be at the drawing table so to speak. Ego’s voice will no longer deliver such thoughts turned beliefs. Those masks are how you’d like to be seen because you falsely believe the real you is ______. (Fill in the blank.) For me it was many untrue things–worthless, unlovable, a failure, not-good-enough. I thought the real me was all of these things. Integration means each part of your psyche meets, gets deeply acquainted, and then reunites into into the Self (a.k.a.the Soul) The ego in psychology is written as the self, with a little s, for it is but one piece of the psyche. Ego seems himself as disproportionately large and in so doing acts out the Lion’s share (ego talks to us, and next in thoughts formed which lead us toward action and then deeds.) Right now you are trying to integrate the sum of your parts. Right? Integration (therapy) is becoming whole again. The Third Eve blogger and Jungian psychologist describes the ego as the fragment
    of the Self who demands that she alone drive the bus in full control, has relegated every other single part to the back of the bus in full site. Clearly an unfair and crazy advantage! She’d rather nevermind those other parts of you(parts comprising one’s psyche) which are viable, no–make that essential parts of you. Fear that the discovery of such posing as a Know-it-all (and all the effects of actions taken as a result) will lead to annihilation of ego lending him to tighten his grip on the wheel even tighter still. Even though (s)he has a role to play in your life, albeit a significantly lesser one, until integrated, and then evil still often, ego irrationally and put of fear steers one away from the truth, a natural born enemy. Iny experience The ego or the little self presents to us as these thoughts birthing such questions. I can’t help but write to you
    because I recognize these familiar thoughts, far to well. Marie, In my humble opinion your bus driver steers you this way. I see evidence that you’ve yet met Marie — ythe sum of her parts. Until then you can’t compare the ‘you’ as you’ve experienced her up until and including now
    because starting at, what was it 6 months, the pain of cruel physical abuse was suffered. Now, Would you want any little precious innocent little girl, at 4, 5, or 6 thinking she wasn’t loved entirely simply for her. Isn’t that enough? It is in the face of love. Now what would it take for her
    to hold the opposite true? And how long before that opposite notion is held as entirely true? I’d say between nine and twelve years old. Definitly by twelve, (the ego is born at twelve) Now, how many years will she hold this true? How dark must it become before she’s willing to relinquish that awful lien, her truth as being unlovable, unworthy of attention or genuine love, you name it. I have a lot of hope for you Marie. You are introspective and that is a key advantage. I agree with the Buddhist assessment that, the greater the suffering…the greater the enlightenment. That is of course if you’re willing to face your suffering instead run, like most of us have been taught to do. It’s sort of the American way. Good work Marie and keep up on the
    therapy, in as many forms as you can. Edward knows that possibility is entirely real whether you choose to believe it or not (can I be your living proof?) In this way, the Truth will set you free. At that time in will flood a feel a deep sense of relief and you will feel relief. I can see you making it through…Edward is a light in the darkness. Nothing wrong with entertaining the idea that one day, you’ll rather just ‘be you’.


    • Whew, Carrie –

      You’ve given me a lot to think about . . . some really deep stuff!

      I think you are right in your assessment that Edward can lead me through this . . . that he can be trusted with that responsibility.

      I also believe that the relationships I have through this blog, through this online community plays a significant role in my healing, as well. The empathy and encouragement I receive through the blog are so valuable for me.

      I appreciate you sharing your widsom! Thank you for the encouraging words . . .

      – Marie

  5. That is so cool that your unconscious composes music, and you can write it down for later! wow. I think my unconscious would produce a shallow pop tune if anything. Muzak I’m sure. :-)

    Allowing yourself space to be yourself sounds like a key struggle for you Marie, especially when there are other people around. It makes sense if you, like me, where shamed for being yourself as a child. Of course we try to then be someone else. It’s really great to know what the struggle is though.

    The way I look at it is, the person I wish to attract should be a person who values what I naturally am. If I’m pretending to be someone else, that special person would miss seeing me and wouldn’t want to get to know me. If that makes any sense at all.

    take care

    • Hey, Ellen –

      I think the struggle underlying the struggle to be accepted by other people is the struggle to accept and love myself . . . to accept and love the real me . . . to declare the real me to be enough. I’m always working so hard to be better . . . to be enough . . . and that is exhausting. But, the idea of being only who I am right now is disgusting to me.

      Alas, the cyclical flow of issues . . .

      Someday I’ll find my way out . . .

      Thank you for the kind words! It is good to hear from you!

      – Marie

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