Posted by: Marie | September 27, 2011

(594) A picture is worth . . . Part 4 of 5

Post #594
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, March 16, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

——————

Edward: I know your experience tells you otherwise, but not all men are disrespectful and abusive. There are men in this world who consistently treat others with respect.

Me: I know there are men in the world like that . . . but, I don’t seem to have access to them. Quality men don’t seem to be part of my world.

Well, I mean . . . they are part of my world . . . I see them around, but they only associate with me as part of a business or personal transaction. We have client-vendor relationships or we are part of the same social group.

But, they don’t want to be around me outside of those transactions. We do our business and they go away – go back to their own worlds. Whenever I try to move a business or casual relationship with a quality guy into a more personal relationship, the guy isn’t interested. Quality guys don’t want to be around me.

Edward: How do you define a quality guy?

Me: Hmmm . . . I guess a quality guy is one who is very dedicated to his family. I mean, he is faithful to his wife, he acts like he really enjoys being a dad and a husband . . . that he wouldn’t do anything that might jeopardize those relationships. The main thing is that he really wants to be married to his wife . . . he loves her unconditionally . . . he thinks she is the coolest person in the world . . . and he cherishes his kids and really wants to spend quality time with them.

Photo by Martin Chen

Well, I mean . . . not that it would be appropriate for me to try to further a relationship with a guy who already has a family . . . but, to answer your question, the quality guys that I see are guys like that . . . or they are the guys that seem like they would be like that if and when they have a family or a partner . . . does that make sense?

Edward: Yes, it does make sense.

It sounds like you are saying that your definition of a quality guy is one who loves and respects his partner unconditionally.

Me: Yes, that is a good way of summarizing it. That’s what I would value most about a man.

Edward: (After a thoughtful pause) I think you have been surrounded by “hard” people all of your life, especially as a kid, so I think it is challenging for you to imagine there are “soft” people who want to be around you.

Me: I hear what you are saying . . . but, whenever, I show interest in getting to know a “soft” man better, he isn’t interested. He will be polite – patronizing – but he’ll always have excuses as to why it is not possible. He politely lists his excuses as he backs away from me, then he turns and runs. It happens over and over and over again.

Edward: Do you have any ideas about why that might be happening?

Me: No . . . I always figured it was because I came across as desperate . . . that is what my girl friends told me, that I came across as desperate. They told me to play hard to get . . . and I would, but that didn’t attract people, it just meant I had interaction with no one, that I was ignored. The only way I could get attention from men was to chase them and be desperate. The attention I got was not so great, but it was better than nothing.

Now, I value an absence of attention more than I value poor quality attention, which is why I am alone.

Edward: I know it is hard for you to believe, but there are soft and gentle men in your world who are looking for someone just like to you to love and cherish.

Me: You are right . . . it is hard for me to believe that. I’ve given up hope something like that will ever happen for me.

Edward: It is a very real possibility – if you want it to happen.

Me: I don’t know how it’s ever going to happen when people – more specifically men – don’t want to be around me.

Edward: Tell me more about that . . .

Me: Well, you know the story . . . it’s the same old thing . . . some women are labeled as “prizes” and other women are the ones that are less-than-desirable . . .

Edward: Actually, I don’t know the story . . . I don’t know this part of your story . . . but I want to know. Will you tell me?

Me: Well, you know . . . in every crowd, there’s someone that everyone tries to avoid because that person is a pain in the butt . . . an undesirable . . . lacking social skills . . . being all clingy . . .

I’ve often wondered if I’m one of those people.

Edward: I don’t experience you in that way . . . I find you to be engaging, socially skilled, intelligent . . .

Me: Well, thank you for saying that . . . I think I’m smart and funny . . . I can easily fit into any social situation . . . I can hold a conversation with anyone . . . as long as the interaction is superficial. As soon as I try to take a conversation to a meaningful place, I get shut down.

(Getting emotional – and a bit angry) I understand why men don’t want to be around me now – why they don’t want to date me – I’m fat and frumpy and depressed. But, in my 20’s, I was physically fit and I still had enough hope in the possibility I would get all this confusion figured out and all the pieces would fall into place someday . . .

I have a pretty face . . . I dressed nicely back then and took care of myself, at least on the surface . . .

I was being promiscuous back then, but I could hide that for the most part . . . and still, quality men had no use for me. I only got attention from men who only wanted me around for sex. They never were interested in true relationships. I was never one of those girls a guy would “take home to mama.”

Edward: Do you have a specific example of that? It would help me better understand if I could hear a specific example . . .

Me: About four years ago, I was on a trip with a guy I was dating. He lived in Texas and traveled fulltime as a salesman. He would drop in every few months for a bootie call. But, he couldn’t be bothered to call in between . . . well, he called maybe four or five times during the 18 months we “dated”.

He invited me to go on a trip with him to New Orleans and Baton Rouge – he picked up the entire tab. I didn’t want to be a burden to him, so I offered to pay for part of the trip . . . I gave him $120, which was almost all the money I had to my name.

A few days into the trip, it became obvious that he had brought me along only for the sex. He acted like he could hardly stand to look at me the rest of the time.

Towards the end of the trip, I confronted him and asked him where our relationship was going. I told him I felt like a prostitute – and that I wanted something with more consistent contact – that I wanted a commitment. He told me that he didn’t care what I wanted, that he didn’t want to have to deal with my feelings.

When he dropped me off at the airport, as I was walking away from him, I looked back over my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry I was such a burden on you . . . but, don’t worry, I won’t bother you ever again!”

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. Lots of stuff in there. I’ll be interested to read the next instalment and see where this goes.

  2. I appreciate your interest, Evan!

  3. I hate the Texan you were dating. What an AH. I also ran after the wrong type of man, before starting to heal. What is it about abuse? Does it make us completely blind?? I want to know. :-(

    • Hi, Ellen –

      Yeah . . . I’ve involved myself with more than my fair share of them!

      I’ll let you know if/when I figure out the answer to your question . . . I think, for me, it was the only option I saw, other than going without . . . and I needed that male attention too badly to go without . . .

      Thanks for the support!

      – Marie


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