Posted by: Marie | July 12, 2011

(566) Somewhere between miraculous and tedious

Post #566
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, December 25, 2010]

It is currently 3:45am. The sun is soon due to rise . . . and when it does, it will be Christmas morning. As I’m lying here in bed, in the still of the night, I’m reflecting on everything that has happened in the last 24 hours . . .

One thing I’m feeling as I’m lying here is a peace about – an openness and willingness towards – being in a relationship that includes love and sex. I’m feeling hope and possibility around those options. I don’t remember feeling that way in years . . . I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite this ever before in my life. It’s nice

I’m thinking back on something else I read in the Conversations with God book . . . the book pointed out the fact that we are often too scared to believe we could have a joyful and fulfilling experience, so, out of our fear, we create some other reality.

I wonder what would happen if I chose my behaviors out of love and confidence instead of out of fear? In what ways would my life be different? This idea gives me the possibility of showing up in the world in a very different way.

Photo by Martin Chen

Recently, a mother of one of my piano students causally mentioned that the manner in which I handled a certain situation made her all the more aware how much their whole family really loves me. Now, she is a huggy, demonstrative lady, so such an enthusiastic statement from her is not surprising. But, I am very careful to hold all my professional relationships at arm’s length – I wouldn’t want to be accused of being unprofessional or too clingly.

And, in the past few weeks, one of my blog buddies sent me a personal email and he signed it “with lots of love”. I’ve never met this guy, but I do think the world of him – at least the “him” I know via cyberspace. I would love to be so free in my spirit that I could sign off my emails to him the same way. But, I am afraid he might get spooked and never talk to me again because he thinks I’m chasing him.

That fear plagues every interaction I have with males. It’s illogical, I know. I go out of my way to demonstrate my lack of personal interest . . . but, I’m very sure that somehow I still am giving off this vibe that I’m desperate and that I want a love relationship with every single man I encounter, whether it is true or not.

But, I digress . .

I am wondering what it might be like if I didn’t have all these fears ruling my behaviors . . ?? What if I could allow affectionate words – and affectionate touch – to flow out of me freely? What if I didn’t have to stop and analyze and justify and filter everything? How would that change things for me and for others?

Anyway . . . reading the book gave me some new insight concerning my relationship with God. It feels that this new insight could be very powerful for me – maybe even transformational. It seems the information in the book could give me a way of living that is directed only by what feels joyful and truthful. That way of living would release me from always worrying about how my actions and words are being interpreted. That feels like an authentic way of living.

I find myself thinking that, if I get my relationship with God squared away – more specifically, if I figure out how I fit into the big “God” picture, maybe my healing journey would get shortened a whole bunch. Maybe my release from the painful memories and stored experiences could be facilitated in wide sweeps of spiritual healing. Maybe I won’t have to be bothered with sorting through every little nugget of painful history. Maybe therapy sessions will soon be a thing of the past . . .

Well, that’s a nice thought . . . but, I realize that the best way for healing to occur doesn’t necessarily take place like that – instantaneously, I mean.

Maybe the step-by-step process of remembering and re-experiencing and healing – and the privilege of working with a gifted therapist – are all necessary and beneficial parts of the process. It is possible that there could be a miraculous emotional healing because of newfound understanding, and it is also possible that my healing will still be more step-by-step. Maybe each step of the journey – even the painful steps – is a gift in and of itself.

Maybe my reality will be somewhere in between miraculous and tedious. But, whatever it is, it is okay. It’s perfect. I am starting to understand what Edward often says to me – that my process is happening at the perfect speed. I’m doing perfectly well with it. I have to agree with that. I mean, what else do I have to do in this lifetime? I’ve got 20 years to fill up anyway.


Responses

  1. I think you’ll find — if you haven’t already, as your journey is always further ahead than your posts — that one of the greatest risks and greatest rewards of learning to live fully is to show up giving what you want to get back from people, without fearing their judgment…or at least being able to let that judgment go when it happens. I go back to this time and time again with the Amazon…that when I am feeling frustrated or stuck or disconnected in our relationship, the answer always is for me to show up with more transparency, more vulnerability, more love…to proactively move ahead lovingly, rather than putting the burden for change on her, or on the relationship itself. As I’ve practiced this with her, in the absolute safety of our relationship, I’ve found that it’s applicable elsewhere as well…that acting out of hope, and out of a true sense of what I want, brings different results than acting out of fear ever did. Sure, there are still misfires and misunderstandings, but there’s an internal difference for me in knowing where I came from, if that makes any sense…knowing that I showed up as the most authentic self I could be. It’s always a challenge, I think, to realize that acting lovingly and hopefully and acting self-protectively and wisely are not all mutually exclusive. That, I think, is the key lesson…that you can still protect yourself, and act out of love rather than out of fear. It’s almost as simple as a change of language: “I want to be safe, appropriate, authentic, and open” rather than “I don’t want to be hurt, victimized, or misunderstood.”

    • Hey, David –

      I really appreciate how clearly you have expressed this idea . . . and it is a very powerful concept! I can’t say that I’m as far along with this as you are, but I do understand that you speak the truth here. I do know that the way of being you describe is a very powerful and freeing way of being.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share this!

      – Marie

  2. Hi Marie, an openness and willingness to a loving sexual relationship sounds like quite a gift – appropriate to when this post was written.

    In my experience and observation our healing usually has something of a breakthrough then plateau rhythm about it. The plateau is usually where the insight is integrated into the daily details of our lives.

    I do think that our spirituality can assist with healing our thoughts and feelings but they aren’t identical. Some people need to draw on their spirituality as they suffer recurrent bouts of PTSD or depression or whatever. It assists with the healing but isn’t quite the same as dealing with thoughts and feelings and the impact of past experiences.

    Looking forward to hearing if your sense of spirit develops further.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I am learning that spiritual healing only facilitates healing from trauma . . . it seems they are two separate tracts but that progress in one is essential for progress in the other. It was a nice thought that progress in spiritual healing would negate the need for work in the other area . . . I’m back to knowing that I have to work on both simultaneously.

      I am also finding that helaing occurs in fits and starts and leaps and periods of rest and processing and integration. A few sessions down the road from this point in my journey, Edward welcomes me to “the onion” of healing. I thought that was a great description! I like yours better, though.

      Thanks for the words of encouragement!

      – Marie


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