Posted by: Marie | June 1, 2011

(554) The God thing – Part 4 of 5

Post #554
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, December 15, 2010 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

———————–

Edward: (After allowing me time to catch my breath . . . ) What can I do to help you with that? Do you need me to leave the room while you move into the corner?

Me: No, you don’t need to leave. I’m actually okay with moving into the corner while you are in the room with me. I’m feeling pretty brave about that right now.

Edward: Do you need pillows to pile up around you?

Me: No . . . I didn’t bring my blanket today, but I’ll just take my jacket with me into the corner . . . I don’t feel a great need to hide today.

———————–

Edward stayed in his chair as I stood up, walked over to the corner and sat down with my back to the wall. I positioned myself so that, if I leaned forward a bit, I had a good view of the middle of the room. I placed my jacket around the front of me – over my arms and shoulders.

As soon as I got settled in and allowed myself to connect with little Marie again, I got hit with waves of very strong emotion . . . I guess the emotion was a mix of fear and relief. I allowed myself to sob quietly for a minute or two. Then, my emotions settled down and I felt ready to move forward with this exercise.

———————–

Edward: Let me know when you are ready for me to move onto the floor . . . there is no hurry . . . I just don’t want to move before you are ready for me to move.

Me: I’m ready now . . .

Edward: Okay. I’m going to tell you what I’m doing as I’m doing it . . .

I’ve put one of the big pillows on the floor near the door . . . which is the pillow for your dad to sit on . . .

Did I hear you say your dad’s name is Billy?

Me: (Opening my eyes a little bit to curiously watch his movements . . . ) Well, his friends called him Billy . . . but, family, including my mom, called him William.

Edward: What should I call him?

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: William is good.

Edward: Okay . . . William, I invite you to sit on this pillow so you can have a conversation with me about your daughter. Would that be okay? Good . . . thank you.

(Silent thought to myself) Well, if he can have an audible conversation with my deceased dad, I guess it is okay for me to express the wishes of my little Marie in the third person . . . this all is rather weird . . . but in a good way . . . hmmmmmm . . .

Edward: Now, I’m putting a big pillow on the floor in the middle of the room for me. But, before I sit down, I’m going to bring a tissue box to you . . . is that okay?

Me: Sure . . .

Edward: (Moving towards me) We can stop this exercise at any point. If you want to stop, just tell me and we’ll stop. Or, if you aren’t able to use your voice, you can throw the tissue box at me.

Me: Okay . . .

———————–

By this point, my emotions had quieted down significantly. More than anything, I was curious about what Edward was going to say.

The idea of someone standing up to my dad on my behalf was way beyond my scope of imagination. Edward did a similar exercise with my mom – or, more accurately, an imaginary manifestation of my mom – about six months ago. I know what that was like.

However, the level of anger and violence embodied by my dad puts any dealings with him in a whole other category of risk.

At least, with my mom, she could be approached and would respond in a reasonable manner on most days. This was not true of my dad – there was no discussion, no negotiations with him. He ruled with absolute power and terror.

So, I could only watch with awe and curiosity as Edward took his place on his assigned pillow . . .

———————–

Edward: William, I’m going to speak to you today with the utmost respect and kindness. But, I have some very important things to say to you and it is imperative that you listen very carefully.

You are going to deal with me today – and with me alone. If you have anger to express, you will express it to me and not to your daughter. She is under my protection now. You are not allowed to touch her, speak disrespectfully to her or to be verbally or emotionally abusive to her.

This is very important . . . you need to shut up, for once in your life, and listen.

(Silent thought to myself) Ooooo . . . good one, Edward! Way to go!

Edward: All the abuse – the hitting, the beating into submission, the beating the naturalness out of Marie – is totally unacceptable. I understand you might not have known it was unacceptable at the time. But, I’m telling you now that it was unacceptable. And so now you know better. I am here to tell you that the abuse will never happen again.

Marie is terrified of you because she believes, if she speaks her truth, she will experience physical violence. She believes this is true now even though you are dead. She still struggles to speak to truth because her terror of you still paralyzes her.

She recently wrote a letter to God. It was full of anger and rage. As I heard her read it, I found myself repeatedly thinking that many of the questions and the expressions of explosive emotions contained in the letter were really directed toward you, her earthly father. I think she directed her anger towards God in the letter because God is a convenient and safe target.

(Silent thought to myself) Hmmmm . . . that makes sense . . . maybe he is on to something . . .

Edward: It seems to me much of her anger has been generated as a result of being subjected to your abusive behavior. She didn’t feel safe enough to stand up to you and express her anger and outrage to you back then. She doesn’t even feel safe enough to stand up to you now despite the fact she is an adult and you are dead.

That is how terrified she is of you.

I realize that you might have a better understanding of some things now that you have died and seen what is on the other side of death. You might have gained some wisdom and compassion in your travels to the afterlife. So, you might be in a better position now to understand what I am saying to you than you did when you still lived among us.

(Silent thought to myself) I’ve often thought that would be the case, as well. I wonder if I could have a conversation with the wiser and more compassionate modern version of my ghostly dad . . . either an imagined or a real conversation through a medium . . . would it make a difference in my healing?

Edward: If you had been willing to take the time to really get to know your daughter – to honor her and to allow her to express her natural self, I think you would have discovered that she was a really neat kid. I think it would have been a joyful experience for you to get to know her and her desires and passions. I think it would have allowed you to appreciate the honorable and accomplished adult woman she is today.

(Silent thought to myself) Whew . . . that one gets me in the gut . . . I know I am an honorable and accomplished woman . . . I just believe no one notices . . . but I guess there are some people who do notice – like Edward.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. Edward really is very good at tuning in isn’t he?

    • He is . . . it seems like he uses a sixth sense . . . I think he is naturally empathic on a paranormal level.

  2. wow. so brave…
    we’re talking about anger in therapy this week. i can’t feel it yet, but i’m learning to draw it. it’s a start.

    • Hey, Catherine –

      I find the same thing often . . . and, I often find I have better access to my anger when I allow myself to be frustrated — or feel anger — with myself first (easy to do – I do it all the time) and then let it transition to anger towards my dad (or whomever).

      I’m not sure if that a recommended way of doing it, but I figure, if it works . . . why not!?

      – Marie

      • if you don’t mind the link, here’s the third drawing i did on anger. http://marmiteontoast01.blogspot.com/2011/06/anger-another-drawing.html
        it was very difficult, but also healing to start to express it
        we talked about it for most of the hour in therapy this morning
        like you, i have a good therapist, one i trust to take me through this.

        • Hey, Catherine –

          Thank you for sharing your drawing . . . it is really expressive and shows so much in the pose and in the cutting marks. Wow! It is really something!

          Thank you for being so brave in sharing your story! Many people benefit from knowing there are others like us!

          – Marie

  3. Really incredible, Marie — your bravery in allowing this to happen is astonishing to me. I can’t imagine being as courageous as you have been in this process. I am truly in awe of the work you are doing here with Edward.

    • Thank you, David . . .

      I still am in awe at the fact I now feel comfortable enough with Edward to say, “I would like to go sit in the corner now” and then stand up and move into the corner.

      When I first walked into his office, I couldn’t imagine doing anything but sitting like a frozen lump on his couch, keeping my hands neatly tucked in my lap and only saying things I was very sure wouldn’t upset him or make me look insane or non-compliant.

      I’ve come a long way, baby!!

      – Marie


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