Posted by: Marie | May 19, 2011

(545) Where Art Thou? – Part 4 of 5

Post #545
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]


Me: Anyway . . . Jan was in town for a few days and she was staying with my housemate at our house. The plan was that she would get settled in that first evening, then she would meet with a number of clients at the house the next day.

That first night, we all went to bed. Jan was in the master bedroom on the top floor of the townhouse and I was in the other upstairs bedroom. I went to sleep fairly quickly, but then I felt myself slide out of my body – out the base of my skull – and float out into the hallway between the two bedrooms and to the top of the staircase leading to the main floor.

On the staircase, there were a number of beings . . . one on every other stair all the way down the staircase. Starting with the being standing at the top of the staircase, I handed each one a white box of energy – the box was about the size and shape of a shirt box, but it was formed from vibrating energy rather than from physical matter.

As I handed off each box, I took a moment to fellowship with each being. We didn’t use words to communicate, just eye contact and emotion.

Edward: Did they communicate anything to you when they handed the box back to you?

(Edward’s questions were indicating to me that he believed I really did interact with these angels – that he didn’t think I had been hallucinating . . . and that encouraged me to share even riskier details than I would have otherwise.)

Me: Oh . . . there was more than one box . . . I gave each of them their own box, which they kept. So, they didn’t hand the boxes back to me.

Photo by Martin Chen

They didn’t communicate anything back to me . . . well, not a specific message. I just felt an incredible emotional connection and I could feel that my emotions were being reciprocated.

About the time I got to the mid-level landing, my cat started yowling. I was afraid the cat would wake up Jan, so I felt myself quickly slide back into my body – because I needed to be back in my physical body in order to quiet the cat – then, I was suddenly awake.

I was very aware of my surroundings – I knew I wasn’t dreaming; I knew I wasn’t asleep anymore. It was so real. I actually got out of bed and looked out into the hallway and down the stairs to see if the beings were still there. But, I couldn’t see them anymore.

I thought the beings must be the people who were going to be coming to the house the next day for sessions with Jan. I thought I was welcoming them in advance of their visit. That was the only thing that made sense to me at the time.

But, the next day, as I watched the people come and go, I realized none of the people looked like, or embodied energy like the beings I had seen on the stairs.

So, that night at supper, I asked Jan about the beings. That is when she told me they were her angels. As soon as she said that, I knew it was true . . . I had a sudden moment of, “Oh, of course!”

I realized they had even looked like what I imagine angels would look like . . . they were nearly transparent, white-ish in color . . . their bodies and their clothing flowed in graceful curves. Of course they were angels!

When I had that epiphany, very strong emotion washed over me . . . a sense of gratitude, a sense of humbleness, a sense of awe . . . and my eyes filled with tears.

Jan said that I had been so concerned about making sure she felt welcome that I took the extra step of welcoming her angels, as well. She went on to say that, in all the years the angels have traveled with her, no one has ever welcomed them specifically and they were very touched by my gesture.

What she said about my wanting them all to feel welcome was very true . . . in the days prior to her visit, I had thought about what would make her – and her angels – feel more welcome.

That is when I realized I had experienced something very incredible on that stairway.


As I talked about the emotion washing over me upon hearing Jan’s explanation, I felt that same emotion washing over me in real-time, in the session. I got all choked up and tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t speak, so I looked up at Edward in order to signal it would be a moment before I could continue.

That is when I saw that Edward, too, had tears in his eyes.


Edward: (After a few moments . . . ) Tell me more about those emotions. What did you feel when you were looking into the eyes of the angels?

Me: (My voice quivering with strong emotion . . . ) I felt an overwhelming sense of love – the air surrounding us was incredibly calm and peaceful. I felt totally accepted.

(We sat quietly for several minutes . . . both of us wiping tears, me trying to steady my breathing. When the emotion in the room settled down a bit, I continued reading my letter . . . )


“And, I remember with awe the time I communed, face-to-face, with a group of angels. I remember looking into the eyes of each individual angel as I ceremoniously welcomed them. In that moment, I felt enveloped by the purest form of love imaginable. I can’t help but believe those angels were doing your bidding. So, maybe they stand as proof that you are aware of what is happening to me. Maybe you do care about me as an individual.

“It is in those transformative and awe-inspiring moments I find nuggets of hope. Sometimes I do have hope – the hopeful times are fleeting, but they still come around periodically.

“Sometimes I find glimmers of hope that I will someday – somehow – find my way to a joyful existence. However, just as quickly as those glimmers appear, they are swept away by the ever-present certainty that a joyful existence is not an option for me. For whatever reason, I believe I have not been given that possibility.

“I’m told I should believe joy is an option for me. I’m told it is an option for every human. But, I’ve seen too much – I know that is not true. Not every human has that option. I believe I don’t have that option.

“Maybe it is because I’ve taught myself it is too painful to hope. Maybe I’ve convinced myself it is much less painful to not hope than it is to have hope crushed time after time. Whatever the reason, on most days, I no longer have hope.

“Somehow, I have come to believe that you are the universal source of joy – that, if I’m to experience joy in my life, it will be because I have tapped into the fountain of joy that originates with you. Somehow, I have come to believe that joy is inaccessible as long as you are inaccessible.

“Is that an inaccurate belief? Or, is it possible to be disconnected from you and still find a steady supply of joy and happiness and bliss? Do I have to forge a connection with you before I can understand and embrace my purpose on this earth?

“My soul says yes, I need to establish and maintain a connection with you in order to have fulfillment and joy and purpose.

“But, I’m lost. Where are you? How do I reach you?

“Can you hear me?

“Do I have value to you? Do you care what happens to me? Do you care about me?

“Where are you?”

Me: And that’s the end of the letter.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


  1. That’s an amazing experience. I look forward to seeing if you answer the joy question in the next part

    • Hey, Evan –

      I feel fortunate to have that experience with the angels . . . it has had a huge impact on my faith!

      – Marie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: