Posted by: Marie | May 18, 2011

(544) Where Art Thou? – Part 3 of 5

Post #544
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

————————————-

Me:

”And, while I am projecting words in your direction, I have something else to ask: Why did you put me here?

“If my purpose for being here is to experience a fulfilling and joyful life, well, that hasn’t been happening. And, it doesn’t happen for most people. If that is our purpose, then you made the goal unreachable for most. It is unreachable for me. Because of that, I would have preferred to not be put here. I would have preferred to not exist.

“Had I been given the choice, I would have preferred to not have the responsibility of finding a way to feed and house myself day after day. I would have preferred to not have the responsibility of making sure my existence is not a waste of resources. I would have preferred to not have the responsibility of minimizing the pain I cause others with my not wanting to be here.

“If my purpose is to be one soul in the mass of souls who provide fellowship to you, well . . . I hope you are getting what you need. If you and I are supposed to be in fellowship . . . well, that isn’t happening either. You aren’t very reachable. The chances I’ll be in relationship with you while I’m still in this body seem slim to none.

“Why did you create the human race? Why did you create me, specifically?

“I’m just one dot in the collection of so many humans. Am I of any value to you? Do you know I exist? Do you know my name? Have you heard my prayers? Do you have a plan for me as an individual? Or, am I just one minion in a gigantic army of people created for a singular purpose? Maybe, if I didn’t exist, any other human could fill my slot.

“Would you care if I ended my life in this physical body? How bad are the consequences? The only thing that keeps me around is my commitment to caring for my mom. When she no longer needs my care, what reason do I have for keeping my soul locked in my body?

“Since my body has to die at some point, why not at the point in time I am finished caring for my mom? If the afterlife is for an eternity, what difference does it make if I move to that stage sooner rather than later? If I am required to live another lifetime in a different body, why not get going on that sooner? Maybe that experience will be happier than the one I’m having now.

“Are you aware of what happens to me? Did you design my experience? Am I simply a puppet in your grand plan?

“Or, have you removed your influence from the human experience? Are you sitting back and watching with disgust what is happening?

“Or, maybe you step in and affect singular experiences. Maybe you step in and cause happiness or sadness for individuals according to what they deserve. Isn’t that what people say about you when they tell me I should be living righteously or when they tell me how to pray effectively? Aren’t they telling me I’m not doing it right? Aren’t they telling me I’m still screwing up? Aren’t they telling me I’m getting punished for my bad deeds or my bad choices or my bad thinking?

“But, that begs the question . . . what did I do as a child to deserve what happened to me back then? Did you cause that to happen so I could learn some life lesson? If you require children to learn life lessons in that manner, how can you be a God of love?

“Maybe you didn’t cause it . . . maybe you just stood back and allowed it to happen. Is that it? Did you just allow it to happen? If so, how can you be a God of justice?

“Were you aware of what was happening to me? Did you care? Maybe you were so busy with all your universal plans that you didn’t have the ability to focus in on my individual experience. Did you see it? Were you a witness?

“If you were an intelligent witness, did it cause your heart to break? Did you cry for me? Were you angry that it was done under the guise of your name?

“People tell me you will meet all my needs if I only believe in you. But, what right do I have to hope and trust all my needs will be met when I know there are people in this world who are suffering and dying in unimaginable situations – situations that are not of their own making – fates they don’t deserve.

“Do you cry for them?

“You aren’t meeting their needs – why should I have any hope that you will hear and meet my needs?

“If you could stand back and allow me to be raped and beaten and psychologically annihilated when I was an innocent child, then I have no hope of receiving help from you now, in my adulthood – for I’m no longer innocent and blameless.

“I almost could convince myself there is no God – at least not an intelligent, interactive God. However, when I stand on the slope of a mountainside, surrounded by wild flowers and peaceful birdsong, my soul knows there is a higher power. When I connect deeply with a child through music, my heart knows someone far greater than me crafted the existence and the genius of that child.

“And, I remember with awe the time I communed, face-to-face, with a group of angels . . .”

Me: (Suddenly overwhelmed with emotion) Phew! Now this part gets me . . . it brings up strong emotions for me.

(I had to pause to catch my breath . . . after a bit, I continued . . . )

Me:

“And, I remember with awe the time I communed, face-to-face, with a group of angels. I remember looking into the eyes of each individual angel as I ceremoniously welcomed them . . .”

Edward: Could you stop reading for a moment . . . ??

Me: Sure.

Edward: How old were you when you had this experience with the angels?

Me: It was about ten years ago, so I was in my early 30’s when it happened.

Edward: Where did it happen?

Me: (Still fighting to keep my emotions in check) At my townhouse near Boulder . . .

Edward: Tell me what happened . . .

Me: A friend of mine was visiting for a few days. Well, at the time this happened, I didn’t know her. I met her for the first time that day. She was actually a friend of my roommate. I got to know her better after this time, but I met her that day for the first time.

Photo by Martin Chen

This lady’s name is Jan. She is one of those . . . well, I’m not too savvy on the terminology, but I guess you’d say she is an advanced soul . . . I guess her soul has been around quite a while and she is pretty enlightened when it comes to spiritual matters.

She does counseling of sorts . . . on a spiritual level. She can see what is going on with people on an ethereal plane, she can see and communicate with the spirits of people who have died, she has done exorcisms . . . so that is the kind of stuff she does.

When she travels from place to place, there is a group of angels that travel with her – something like 20 or 30 of them.

Edward: When you say that she travels, do you mean in body form or in spirit form?

(I eyed Edward carefully trying to determine the motive behind his question. Was he being patronizing (because he thinks I’m loony) or was he being authentic (because he believes what I was describing could have really happened)? Had I caught a whiff of patronization, I would have been inclined to give him a shallow, “safe” answer. However, I didn’t catch that scent, so I gave him an honest, full answer.)

Me: It is my understanding that she does, on occasion, leave her body and travel in spirit, especially at night. However, in the context of this story, I meant that the angels travel ahead of her when she travels in body form . . . the angels travel in spirit form, obviously . . .

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. Wow. Looking forward to the next part

    • Thanks, Evan . . .


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