Posted by: Marie | February 25, 2011

(525) What now?

Post #525
[Private journal entry written on Friday, October 22, 2010]

This morning, I’m taking some time to sit and think . . . and to write. My session with Edward on Wednesday has left me struggling to pull myself back together – but, in mostly a good way. I had a 9am piano lesson this morning and I had a very hard time getting out of bed and getting dressed . . . I barely got to the studio and got the lights on before my student arrived. But, I made it.

I am still being affected by the dramatic purging of the violence sexual fantasy. I feel like the last two days have been a long dream and I’m just now waking up from it. Yet, as I’m “waking up”, I find that I’m feeling lighter. So, that’s nice.

Photo by Martin Chen

I didn’t have time to sit and think and write yesterday because I spent the day with my mom and with my Hispanic friend, Maria. The three of us meandered up into the mountains and ended up at the historic Pingree Park, which is about a 90-minute drive from my mom’s house. It is now a satellite campus for our local Colorado State University – it provides a hands-on field study for those in programs associated with the care and maintenance of natural resources.

The park has quite a history – it was named after the man who established a tie hack camp (a logging camp for men who felled and shaped logs used specifically for making railroad ties) in the valley in 1868. Then, in the 1920’s, the Koenig family homesteaded the valley. In 1974, the family sold most of the homestead to CSU, which has since preserved and/or restored many of the homestead’s original buildings.

It had been Maria’s birthday the day prior and her bonehead family didn’t do anything celebratory, so my mom pulled some of her homemade brownies out of the freezer, and I bought some snazzy birthday candles that were on toothpicks (so they would stick into the brownies) and wrapped up a little gift . . . and we surprised her with a round of “happy birthday to you” at the end of our meal – sitting at a picnic table in the middle of the mountain campus amid breathtaking mountain peaks. It was too breezy for the candles to stay lit, but we struck a match and made a valiant attempt at lighting them before giving up and insisting she make a wish while pretending to blow them out, LOL!

After lunch, we borrowed the key for the homestead’s cabin and toured it on our own. We also walked around and through the homestead’s outbuildings (no keys needed), and then we explored the original irrigation system, the cemetery, and the fields full of wild flora. We missed getting over to the one-room schoolhouse at the far end of the cluster of buildings because my mom was starting to get tired – we had walked at least a couple of miles (3.2 km) to see as much as we did. And, at that altitude (9,000 feet – 2,750 meters), the lack of oxygen (73% of the amount available at sea level) sucks the energy out of your bones very quickly! So, we skipped the schoolhouse and headed back to our car.

I had a couple of piano lessons in the evening, so by the time I got to bed last night, I was very exhausted – physically, mentally and emotionally – but, in mostly a good way.


As I’m sitting here this morning, thinking and writing, I’m processing what happened in the therapy session two days ago.

At one point in the session, I mentioned that I often experience a body memory of someone violently thrusting his penis into me. Edward asked, “Into what part of your body?” I answered, “Into my ass, almost always into my ass.”

I have reflected on that answer in the hours since the session and I have realized that is not really accurate. I often feel it in my vagina, as well. But, for whatever reason, at that moment in the session, I was remembering only the feeling of that happening in my ass. I guess it doesn’t really matter . . . it’s just interesting.


And, on another tangent . . . I find myself wondering . . .

Now that I was able to disclose the intimate details of my masturbational fantasy to my therapist, will my need to use violent porn in my masturbation will go away? Somehow, I don’t think so. Not in some magical way, anyway. I still have choices to make each time this situation comes up for me and they won’t necessarily be easy choices.

However, I think I may have taken away some of the power the violent fantasy held over me. I think I may have expanded my ability to manage the focus of my masturbational thoughts. I think I have opened up a bit more the possibility that gentle, affectionate, loving images might start to play a role in my fantasies.

And that is significant.

So now, I find myself asking: What now? How do I move forward with this from here?

I guess we shall see what happens . . .


  1. I’ll be interested to hear what happens for you too.

    • Hey, Evan –

      You know . . . I don’t talk about it much in my journal (at least not in the time between this entry and present day) . . . but, I am finding the desire to masturbate to violent fantasies has become almost non-existent. When I feel the need to do so as a way to relieve stress, and I go “there”, I find I am not aroused to a noteworthy extent. So, I think that is a sign that I have experienced significant healing on the sexual abuse front.

      Thanks for caring!

      – Marie

  2. That sounds like a big piece of healing.

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