Posted by: Marie | February 21, 2011

(521) Throwing off a huge weight – Part 2 of 4

Post #521
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

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[Editorial note: Due to the very graphic nature of the content of the writing exercise, I have substantially edited the excerpts shown in this post. However, I have published the unabridged version of the document – the version I read to Edward – in a separate blog page. If you wish to read it, you are welcome to do so. It is password protected (password = secretnomore) to minimize the chances someone will inadvertently stumble onto it without the benefit of first being advised of its graphic nature.]

Me:

“My family sends me away to a commune in another state. I have no protection; I must do whatever is demanded of me by the adults in charge of this commune.

“The adults in charge decide I am to be given to an adult man for his sexual pleasure because his wife is no longer willing to suffer the pain of having his very large penis inside of her. She wants someone else to take care of that job.”

Edward: Excuse me for interrupting . . . how old are you in this scenario?

Me: Um . . . nine . . . but the age thing is kind of weird because I never really identify with an age. But, given the physical characteristics of “me” in this story, I think I’m about nine. A bit later in the story, I mention that my age is nine, but giving a specific age is really more for your benefit, to give you a better picture of what I’m imagining in my mind.

Edward: Maybe age isn’t an important part of your story for you . . . maybe because this story has been re-enacted over and over at all ages . . . back then through the molestation and then in more recent times by how you have created abusive sexual adult relationships . . . and probably in how you have used the fantasy of rape while having consensual sex as a way to force your body respond . . .

Photo by Martin Chen

Me: Yeah, that makes sense . . .

Edward: So, there is no requirement that you have to have a particular age associated with your story. It is just fine for there to be no age parameter.

Me: Okay . . . thanks.

But, you know what . . . even though the fantasy comes from the perspective of a nine-year-old, it is written in adult language because I’ve altered the details and the language of the fantasy as I gained carnal knowledge.

For example, when I was little, I thought I had two openings in my privates . . . one for peeing and one for pooping. When my mom explained the sex act to me, I got a mirror to examine myself. That is when I discovered I really had three openings but one was so small I hadn’t noticed it before. So, that new knowledge changed my fantasy dramatically.

And, when I was younger, my fantasy was all about being pregnant and the pain of childbirth . . . it wasn’t about the sex act. Then, after I learned about the act of sex, my fantasy shifted to being about the pain of sex and the part about having children fell out of it completely.

Edward: Okay . . . I understand. So, other than those adjustments, has your fantasy stayed substantially unchanged over the years?

Me: It has. Sometimes a contextual detail would change because I got a new idea from a movie or a book or some pornography. But, within a short time, it would go back to this basic scenario. It has remained largely unchanged for 35 years.

(I paused, waiting to see if he had other questions. When he didn’t, I resumed reading . . . the reading was becoming easier for me because, the more I read, the more stoic I became . . . )

Me:

“A couple of days after arriving at the commune, I am given a physical exam [to confirm my purity] . . . If I had failed those tests, I would have not been given to the man. Instead, I would have been turned out into the general population where all the men could rape me as often as they wanted, anytime they wanted.

“But, I passed the tests – I am still prime property.

“The doctor also takes some x-rays to determine if I am old enough to have started having periods yet.”

Edward: Excuse me, again, for interrupting . . . how are you feeling about all of this as you are reading? (Laying his hand on his heart)

Me: I’m feeling emotionally disconnected from it. I guess I’m being more analytical about it.

Edward: That seems to me to be the case, as well. What is happening in your mind as you are reading?

Me: I’m trying to make sense of it . . . I’m trying to figure out where all of this came from. How could such ugliness come from my mind while I was still a child? What exactly happened that resulted in this violent fantasy? I’m just trying to figure it out.

And, this is the first time I have ever focused on this fantasy when it wasn’t being used as part of my masturbation. I guess I’m trying to not allow myself to connect with it too much for that reason.

Edward: Do you think I might judge you if you responded the way you have always responded to it?

Me: No, I guess not . . . but, I just want to figure it out . . . that’s all. I want to understand the events in my life that brought this fantasy into existence.

(Okay, the true answer I kept to myself is: Yes, I would be horrified if my body responded by becoming sexually aroused while sitting in a room with my therapist. I would do just about anything to keep that from happening . . . but I wasn’t ready to admit that to him.)

Edward: I understand. I want you to know that whatever comes up for you while you read is okay. There is no right or wrong way to respond.

Me: I do know that . . . thank you . . .

“The doctor also takes some x-rays to determine if I am old enough to have started having periods yet.

“The ideal age for girls being given to married men is about nine. At that age, there is still a year or two period of time where pregnancy is not a concern. They are young enough – physically small enough – that their vaginas and asses will stay tight even after much use. However, they are old enough that having sex won’t cause their privates to rip open to the point of no longer being useful.

“The doctor is glad to see I am at the perfect age . . . I am the perfect size. The adult man is one of the leaders of the commune so the doctor will benefit greatly by providing such a fine specimen of innocence for his pleasure.

“After the exam, I am given a paper gown to wear. I don’t need much for clothing because I will be spending most of my time without clothing, anyway. Then, I am sent into a room.

“My room is one of several rooms lined up next to each other, like might be found in an emergency room. The top half of the walls are made of glass so we can see what is happening in the other rooms. There is a high bed in the room . . . much like an exam table with a mattress.

“There are other young girls in a couple of the other rooms. We look at each other silently, trying to ignore the fear we see in the faces of the others.”

Edward: Go back and read that paragraph again . . .

Me:

“There are other young girls in a couple of the other rooms. We look at each other silently, trying to ignore the fear we see in the faces of the others.”

Edward: “The fear we see in the faces of the others” . . . that sentence is really powerful, don’t you think?

Me: Yeah, I guess so . . .

Edward: I was really struck by that sentence . . .

(I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to allow myself to feel emotion right then . . . )

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


Responses

  1. I do understand you not wanting to feel some emotions and reactions in Edward’s presence.

    That first mention of emotion stuck me too.

    • Hey, Evan –

      When I read your comment, I went back to see at what points in the writing exercise I shifted from being factual to being emotional. I discovered that this was the only mention of emotion in the entire story except the final line where I say I want to die, which is really more about detaching and not feeling than it is about feeling.

      Maybe the lack of emotion it is indicative of how detached I am from my feelings around all of this. I’m betting that Edward noticed the lack of emotion, which explains why he kept gently pushing me to “feel” the story.

      Hmmmm . . . very interesting . . .

      – Marie

  2. I didn’t read the “story” parts of this post…it was too unnerving to know where it was all being generated from, the pain and suffering you went through in order to create it. So I skipped that stuff but caught just enough glimpses to get the gist of it.

    I’m sorry for what you went through. It really is unimaginable that things happen like that to little kids, to animals, to so many innocent creatures. How do we deal with this part of life?

    I really have never come up with an answer because I don’t see that there is one. I think for some scenarios and situations the rational mind simply balks and cannot grasp.

    For people who’ve undergone such torture I just offer my deepest respect and sympathy. I am glad that you are able to find ways to work through this Marie.

    • Hey, Aaron –

      I so appreciate your supportive words . . .

      I don’t understand this part of life, either . . . my guess is that people routinely act out their own pain — either by doing harm to themselves (turning the pain inward) or by doing harm to others (turning the pain outward). If a person has been programmed to turn the pain outward, and if that drive to act out is as strong as it is for me, I can imagine they don’t understand their own need to hurt others.

      I’m not excusing the act of hurting others, I’m just saying I can understand where it might come from.

      – Marie


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