Posted by: Marie | February 16, 2011

(517) Capturing a piece of reality

Post #517
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, October 16, 2010]

It’s been more than 24 hours since I had the dream about the kitten with the scratched eye. The emotional pain and the sense of helplessness are still very much with me. And, I’m experiencing invasive flashbacks and urges to masturbate. It has triggered a state of depression and anxiety that has dragged me down almost to the point of being non-functional.

And, a couple of days ago (Oct 14th), a post was published on my blog that touched on the subject of how I’m attracted to violent pornography and sexual fantasies – specifically how I find myself always fantasizing about being violated by an adult man when I am a small child. David and Evan submitted comments in response to that post in which they propose the idea my fantasies are my way of trying to make sense of what happened to me. I believe that to be the case, as well. But, I haven’t been able to find much healing in this area.

For a long time, I have believed I would receive significant healing in this area if I would do a particular writing exercise. But, I’ve been too afraid to do it. I’ve never even mentioned to another human that I thought creating this particular piece of writing would be beneficial to me – I figured the idea of it would cause any human to think I’m a monster.

Photo by Martin Chen

Because I’m being totally overwhelmed by emotions and body memories the dream triggered, and because I feel actively supported by Edward, and because David and Evan gave me the encouragement I needed in this moment . . . . I realize the time has arrived for me to do that particular piece of writing.

And then, I need to share it with Edward.

I feel too terrorized to be able to do it, but I feel I will not be able to pick myself up again on Monday morning if I don’t. I think I have to do it now – this weekend – in order to survive the present. I have a couple of days with nothing scheduled. I have the time and space to fall to pieces and still be pulled back together by Monday morning.

I believe I need to write down my fantasy – the one I relive over and over while I masturbate. I need to write it out in great detail. I need to capture with full-bodied language every emotion, every thought, every sound . . . I need to write it down so it can exist somewhere other than just inside my brain and body.

I sat down this morning and tried to write a few words. But, I didn’t get very far. There are so many logistics that are immaterial in the fantasy world – there is no language or time/space parameters in the fantasy world – I don’t have to make my story fit into vocabulary.

So, now, I’m trying to figure out what vocabulary to use . . . a child’s? An adult’s? Slang terms? Medical terms?

There are variations of the story . . . which variation should I capture? Sometimes I vary the story just to see if something new is attractive to me. But, I always return to the same version. I guess my desires are very specific – and those are the desires I need to capture. I need to capture what excites me the most.

I’m finding it to be exhausting to pay such close attention to what arouses me . . . it is very tough to do. Every time I try to identify what arouses me the most, I disappear and later find myself in bed, buried under the covers. I’m finding myself in bed a lot . . . more exhausted than depressed, maybe.

It is exhausting to decide how much of this I’m going to share with Edward . . . do I really think I could tell him that this piece of writing exists, much less actually share the content with him? Maybe, if I tell him the story exists (assuming I eventually get it written), maybe he won’t encourage me to read it to him. Maybe I can let that part of it slide to a later session when I feel more ready.

If I write it down, and especially if I share some or all of it with Edward, I feel strongly it would lose a significant amount of the power it now has over me. But, I use that fantasy to relieve stress . . . am I ready to let go of that outlet?

Maybe I’m hesitant to write it down because I am very aware that I would likely be capturing a piece of reality. I would be recounting parts of what really happened to me. Would it cause the missing pieces to come rushing back so violently that I would lose the sanity and functionality I currently do have?

And . . . would Edward even be willing to allow me to read it to him? Would he even be willing to look at the piece of paper that contains that filth? Is it too vile for introduction into a therapy session? Maybe that would violate the boundary of acceptable behavior – maybe he would have to refer me to another therapist because I brought pornography into his office to share with him. Would that supposedly healing action cause me to lose this relationship that has come to mean so much to me?

I don’t know. I just know I need to write. I’ll write first, then I’ll decide what to do with it later.


  1. Your bravery never ceases to amaze me. And I am so glad you got to the point of considering just doing the exercise, and leaving the what you’d do with it to sort itself out when the time came. We often stop ourselves from going to those very painful places by thinking we *have* to try to share with our therapists. But it’s okay to have a completely private space with yourself, too. Sharing will happen when the time is right.

    • Hey, David –

      This was an exercise I had known for a long time I needed to do . . . I just never felt ready. So, this was a big deal . . . thank you for your encouraging words . . .

      I agree with you that it is okay to have a private space and that not everything has to be shared with my therapist. However, when I find myself not wanting to share, I always question why . . . is it for healthy reasons or out of fear . . . ??

      – Marie

  2. Wow, you are so brave!!! I don’t think you have to worry about Edward. He seems SO very nice and able to handle anything you throw at him! What a blessing you have in Edward!!! Keep on doing what you are doing. You are inspiring!!!

    • Hi, soulfulgrrl –

      Thank you for your kind words! Yes, Edward is an amazing therapist . . . he does seem to be able to handle anything I throw at him!

      – Marie

  3. Coming in touch with our shadow is really difficult I find. I’ll be interested to hear what you did. And how Edward responded if you showed him.

    I thought of lots of options about the writing – having a person choosing variations out of a video library and so on. So I’d be interesting to hear how you solved this too, if you did.

    • Hey, Evan –

      The idea of exploring what is arousing by looking at different videos (or books or photos, etc.) is a good idea . . . and, basically, it is what I have done over the years. The internet really opened my opportunities for exploring . . . but, it also opened up opportunity to absorb sights and sounds that were never part of my experience . . . and that was not always helpful.

      This part of our human-ness is very interesting, to say the least!

      – Marie

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