Posted by: Marie | February 15, 2011

(516) Kitty and me

Post #516
[Private journal entry recorded on a digital recorder on Friday, October 15, 2010]

It’s Friday morning at 3:30am – a couple of hours before I have to get up to go drive the school bus. I just woke up from a nightmare. I’m still fighting for breath, still trying to stop shaking . . . still fighting to orient myself to reality . . .

I hate these damn memories. Why the fuck do they have to arrive in such a violent way?

I was dreaming about a small kitten . . . he had a bad scratch on his eyeball and he was crying for help . . . he was crying like a human child with sobs and vocal crying . . . and words . . . he kept telling me that the injury hurt very badly.

Editorial note: When I was later transcribing this recording, I realized I mixed up the kitten and myself in the following paragraphs. Even though it may be confusing to readers, I left it alone because the mix-up itself helps to tell the story.

I tried my best to comfort the kitten, but I knew I had no options for helping him feel better except to hold him close. I was totally helpless to help myself; all I could do was to comfort him.

It was nice to wake up and realize it all was just a dream and I do have options for helping myself. But I still feel terror inside of me – that didn’t go away with the dream – not yet, anyway.

There are two parts to the pain in the dream – the eye scratch and the inability to do anything about it – the helplessness. Both are very painful.

Photo by Martin Chen

The pain is so bad that I don’t want to continue living. I just want to shrivel up and die because it is so hopeless. That is why it was nice to wake up and realize it was just a dream – to realize I do have other options.

That brings up the question: at what age did I have the two parts of me? If were just me, I simply would feel bad about the eye scratch. But there seems to be this second part of me that seems to be trying to take care of the part of me with the eye scratch. Both parts are feeling pain. This dream feels historical for me. At what point did I have two parts of me – where one part took care of the other part? Weird.

There were two kinds of pain in my dream – the cat’s scratched eye was physical while the inability to do anything to stop the pain was emotional. It seems the physical pain might be more tolerable, at least it seemed that way in the dream – because I didn’t feel so hopeless about the physical pain, I had hope it would pass.

The emotional pain never goes away. It feels like I never was able to help the kitten.


Responses

  1. I guess the answer to when you had two parts is how old you feel in the dream.

    It sounds like you know that you didn’t have options then but do now, which is good.

    • Hey, Evan –

      This seems to all be part of the remembering what happened and how I really felt about it at the time . . . I seem to have buried the parts of my memory about my emotions — I guess I couldn’t afford to feel them at the time, but I’m starting to feel them now.

      Our brains are really amazing!

      – Marie

  2. Hi Marie,

    I just started discovered and began reading your blog yesterday and I am reading my way toward the present day. I had to stop here and share, I hope you don’t mind, what seems to be a shared symbol in our dreams. But first a little background on me…

    Nearly 3 years ago, about 6 months before 34th birthday, I sought help following a near year long depression, during which at one point was suicidal, not that I didn’t want to live, it’s that I wanted the pain and suffering to end. I began to climb out and took steps toward my recovery, and after getting help, began recovering memory, identified abusive parental behaviors, unearthed a buried (repressed) rape at 15 and also discovered a childhood of emotional abuse (neglect), which is a devastating form of child abuse, as well as verbal abuse, alongside other things. Dream interpretation, reading psychology books and blogs, marriage counseling, one-on-one therapy with a psychologist and energy worker, to name a few, saved me. Okay, so back to a shared symbol….

    A kitten in my dreams nearly always represents the part of me that suffered neglect. My intuition is, or maybe it’s just so familiar to me, is that the final and last memory you have of this dream is the recommendation for you, or ‘the Lysis’, the suggested solution. The kitten represents the neglected part of you. You are (or were as the case may be) being told to hold and comfort her.

    I realize this is nearly a year after the dream not to mention it’s dangerous to interpret someone else’s dreams. http://www.eve3.wordpress.com‘s August 31st, 2007 blog entry is specific to dream structure according to young. That, and her many more blog entries in this category were very helpful. I thought I’d share. My favorite and, what I’ve found to be, most accurate dream book may or may not still be in print, but it is called is “A Dictionary of Dream Symbols With and Introduction of Dream Psychology” by Eric Ackroyd.

    So, since you’ve been so forthright in documenting your battles, and journey I also felt I’d share with you that today (now yesterday) I spent crying, on and off throughout the day. At times I’ve cried about what’s arisen from what’s been activated in me and at other times I’ve cried for the very innocent 4 year-old Marie. For her unbearable pain and inevitable suffering. For the resultant 30 or so years of suffering. You’re brave to share your most vulnerable self, dark side, and therapy via your blog. You were wrongfully treated and mislead. And in spite of what you’ve (understandably!) told yourself and believed about yourself. It’s not true! You ARE worth it. (I read that in the mind of a child attention = love). You ARE good enough. In fact, where there is love there is no failure. There is no need to measure up where love exists.

    It appears to me Edward is showing you this. He is a Godsend.

    Prayers for you!
    Carrie

  3. Wow, it’s late. I meant according to JUNG!

    • Hey, Carrie –

      Wow! What a story . . . and what an awesome collection of information! I’m so glad you stopped by and that you took the time to share your thoughts and experiences.

      I also put a lot of stock into dreams . . . I think they are a source of deep insight and naturally occuring wisdom. I also think they are a connection with other beings who have our best interests at heart. So, when I have powerful dreams, I always pay close attention.

      I think your idea about the meaning of the kitten is probably spot-on . . . that is the take-away I took from it, as well. Thanks for calling attention to that!

      – Marie


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: