Posted by: Marie | December 8, 2010

(461) Just for the record

Post #461
[Private journal entry written on the evening of Wednesday, June 23, 2010]

This evening, I had my first piano lesson in 30 some years – as in, I was the student rather than the teacher. I really enjoyed it . . .

I’m self-taught – I took lessons from about age 7 to 11 and then figured out the rest on my own. I figured it would be good for me to find out what I missed by not taking the path of formal training. So, I’ve bartered for lessons from this teacher.

Photo by Martin Chen

She showed me some body/hand techniques and some practice techniques I didn’t know. If I incorporate these techniques, my playing will be fundamentally changed for the better. Even in the lesson I was able to see some dramatic changes in my playing with just a few basic changes.

One of the changes is to play using the power in the core of my body instead of utilizing the power only in my arms and hands. When I shifted the source of my power, the change was dramatic. She has a baby grand . . . I was hesitant to ask that much of her piano . . . she assured me her piano could handle it . . . so I allowed the power to flow from my core. Wow! It was so shocking to my ears when the music filled her house. I just had no concept of the power I have, LOL!

(Isn’t there a life lesson somewhere in that?)

During the lesson and during the time immediately surrounding the lesson, I was in a place of bliss.

Then, I got home and that bliss died . . . now, all I want to do is eat chocolate and be numb.

A friend of mine sent me an email . . . I haven’t had contact with her for several months and the news she had was not good. She has really suffered some major personal losses in the last several months. I haven’t responded yet because I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know how to encourage or comfort her. She is of retirement age and has basically nothing for retirement. She hasn’t been able to find work. She is totally alone.

I want to encourage her, tell her it will get better, but I don’t really have hope it will get better for her. It would take a miracle for things to turn around for her.

I keep thinking about the conversation Edward and I had in last week’s therapy session about my not wanting to live. I see myself heading down the same path as my friend. I am angry I have to work so hard and endure so many hours of depression just to have a couple of fleeting hours of bliss. It doesn’t seem worth it.

I don’t want to be alive right now. I put a lot of effort in always looking for the bright side. I tell myself that, if I keep looking for the bright side, I will find it. Edward assures me it will get better as I learn to show up in the world as the real me. Sometimes I don’t have much faith that is true.

Bottom line, I think it would be morally wrong for me to kill myself right now. I don’t think the dying part is morally wrong – I believe in multiple lifetimes, and I believe that if I kill myself, I will be faced with having to learn the life lessons I skipped out on in this lifetime in another lifetime. I don’t think I’d be eternally damned for it, I don’t even think there is a punishment, per se.

I believe the immoral part would be putting the people around me through hell by committing suicide. As long as my mom is alive, I will stay around and take care of her. After that . . . well, I’d see who was around . . . if I thought the impact would be devastating to any one person, I’d probably wait until he or she died or became very disconnected from me.

I wonder about the wisdom of talking to Edward about this . . . or putting it in my blog. I don’t want someone to take away my options in the future because I said too much now. But, I also want to be very honest about what is going on . . . if I’m not honest, then my therapy and my blog become farces.

Anyway, while I’m alive, I will do my best to create more moments of joy in my life and I will do my best to contribute positively to the people around me. I mean, if I’m going to be here, using up resources, I might as well do some good. But, when my life stops mattering to other people (and my life already doesn’t matter to me), I intend to kill myself – just for the record. My preference would be to get sick and die because other people could live with that better . . . then, it would just be what happens in life. Either way, it’s all the same to me.

So . . . that’s it for now.


  1. I think it was Liszt who said that the piano is played from the hips.

    It’s very hard when you are remembering the past and feeling overwhelmed. My guess is that if you think back that you have dealt with some past experiences and issues and that this had lead to a happier life for you. I think this process can continue. One complication is that as we deal with more core issues it can feel worse for a while.

    As to suicide. I think everyone has the right to determine their own life (anything else amounts to torture in my view).

    • Hey, Evan –

      I think the biggest challenge for me is that I don’t yet believe my life will improve even after doing all this work. Part of me wants to just “survive” until my mom dies, then end my own life. Since I’m not planning on sticking around, and I don’t believe life will ever be truly joyful for me, then why put effort into improving my day-to-day experience?

      And, yet . . . there is still this tiny spot of hope that life might become joyful at some point. I guess that is why I keep going to therapy and why I keep doing this work.

      – Marie

  2. Hey Marie…I have to say, I’m shocked and saddened that things feel this way for you. Despite the nature of what you write about on this blog, I feel a lot of joy and hope pouring from your words.

    I think your spirit is very strong, much stronger than perhaps you realize at the moment.

    I think you will come through this and lead a very happy life some day. As far off as it may seem, it really IS possible if you keep doing this work.

    My path may not have been as difficult in many ways, but I was unhappy for well over 20 years of my life and now I am profoundly happy and grateful. Please don’t give up, this blog is important and your words helped me through a very difficult time with my family recently.


    • Hey, Aaron –

      Thank you so much for your words of encouragement . . . they affect me in a positive way!

      I imagine it would be shocking for the people who regularly read my blog to read words about my not wanting to exist. I don’t write about it much because I’m making a concerted effort to not dwell on it.

      I really do want a joyful experience. If I wanted to stay stuck, I’d focus on my stuckness more. But, I want a joyful experience, so I focus on that.

      However, if I’m to be honest about what all is going on with me, I must include this side of my story as well. I don’t need to take up a lot of cyber space with it, but it deserves a mention.

      Yet . . . I do still have hope. As long as I have at least a drop of hope, I’ll keep striving to create a joyful experience.

      Thank you for your ongoing support!

      – Marie

  3. When I was actively suicidal, which I was for most of my life, nobody believed it when I talked about it, because despite feeling that way, I was an immensely charismatic person who was often helpful to others, and always trying to get to the next best version of myself. In a way, it’s harder to have that disconnect between how you present and how you feel; it makes it a lot harder to talk about, partly, I think, due to fear of not being believed. It’s important, I think, to bring that reality of how you feel out into the open, and to clearly see those contradictions between how you are driven to show up in the world, vs. how separated you remain from whatever it is that compels you to keep moving forward. I think doing so helps to start asking the question … do I not want to live, or is not living the only way I can think of to stop hurting? Because your behavior, just like mine, is not that of someone who doesn’t want to live … it’s the behavior of someone who is determined to live as well as possible no matter what it takes or how hard it is to do it. And of course the determination and gutsiness of that work causes more pain, because it’s horribly painful … and then the question comes up … how long can I possibly put up with this pain, which all this work seems to be exacerbating rather than helping?

    But I think you’ll find that the work pays off. It sure as hell feels like it’s never going to … but it does.

    • Hey, David –

      I find encouragement in your words . . . because I often do wonder if it will ever get better. Thank you!

      I hear what you are saying about people not believing a “with it” person can feel suicidal. Almost everytime I have ever casually mentioned my wishes to die, people have argued with me . . . they insist I really don’t feel that way . . . they tell me I’m just looking for attention . . . or they tell me I’d better stop talking like that or they will force me into a mental hospital. Obviously, none of those approaches are effective. Those approaches have caused me to simply not talk about it — which thwarts the healing journey that, as you said, needs to occur.

      Thank you for sharing . . . your experience was very much like mine is right now.

      – Marie

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