Posted by: Marie | November 17, 2010

(446) New ways of thinking

Post #446
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, May 19, 2010]

This weekend, I spent an afternoon in bed, watching TV, because I was feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions coming out of therapy. I came across a movie on human trafficking with violent scenes. Instead of “white knuckling it” and forcing myself to not react and to not masturbate, I allowed myself to masturbate. Instead of “wronging” and “shaming” myself, I allowed it to be okay and I focused on the emotions that came with it.

The next morning, I woke up feeling a deep (grief?) and feeling like I was scattered into a million pieces. I needed to work on my “to do” list, but I was feeling too scattered to tackle those less-than-fun tasks. However, I was feeling inspired to work on my piano lesson plans for next fall. While it would have been more efficient to work on tasks with earlier due dates, I followed my inspiration and worked on the piano lesson plans. I figured that was a better option than lying in bed feeling guilty for not working on what I’m “supposed to” work on.

As I worked on the lesson plans, I noticed I got a feeling of accomplishment from organizing the information. I realized it makes sense I would find comfort by diving into an organizing project at a time I am feeling scattered. Maybe that is something I can remember about myself – that the act of organizing, in and of itself, can be healing and uplifting for me when it is done as part of a constructive effort. Maybe it would serve me well to keep projects like this around for that purpose.

As the day wore on, I noticed I was feeling freer because I am allowing myself to feel the emotions underlying my fantasies and my masturbation. I have started accepting the fact something significant and traumatic did happen. When I look at my attachment to violent porn, I can see it is an ugly scar created by an injury . . . if there is a scar, there was an injury.

It is starting to feel like it would not be irresponsible of me to actually accept that something happened.


Yesterday afternoon, I was teaching a lesson at the home of a 12-year-old student. Her younger brother was home, but her parents were not. In the middle of the lesson, the brother came into the living room and announced we were under a tornado warning. He wanted to know what we should do about it.

May 2008 Tornado

When I am by myself, I tend to not get real shook up about tornado warnings. I might go outside and look at the sky or I might pull up the radar map on the weather website. But, I don’t take cover unless I see strong evidence a tornado is about to knock on my door.

However . . . in this case, I was the adult with two children in my care, so to speak. I mean, these kids often stay at home without their parents, so it is not like I’m expected to manage their behavior in general when I’m there. My job is to teach the lesson – that’s it. However, knowing a tornado could be in the area, it seemed a good time to overstep the normal boundaries of my responsibilities. And, it seemed a good time to be more cautious than normal . . . I was dealing with more than just my life.

We stopped the lesson, turned to the weather channel on TV, went outside and looked around . . . I asked what structures they had available for shelter, about portable lights and radio, etc. After due diligence, I became convinced we were not in immediate danger. So, we went back to the lesson with the plan to check the status of the storm in 10 minutes.

Before the 10 minutes was up, their mom arrived home and she took over the job of storm-watching. Boy, was I glad to see her!

Anyway, I found out today a tornado did wipe out a barn about 3 miles (4 km) to the northeast of their house (no injuries or death of people or animals). It hit about the time we were standing in the yard. But, the storm was moving northeast, so it was moving away from us when it hit and we were never directly in its path. It was nothing like the massive tornado that hit our area two years ago!

I’m glad I at least took the warning seriously! It would have been tough to explain to the mom if I hadn’t!


And, finally . . . the news stations are reporting a body was found today in a ditch near Kayleah Wilson’s home. There are strong indications it is her body. Assuming it is her, I think it strange the details about the discovery match up closely with the details of the false report that came out a month ago about Kayleah’s body being discovered in a ditch in that part of town.

(UPDATE: A couple of days later, it was confirmed the body is that of Kayleah. So, it is sad news, but it also brings with it a sense of closure. Now they really do know where she is.)


  1. Organising sounds like a great way to deal with being scattered.

    • I think so, Evan . . . as long as my level of organization doesn’t define my value . . . that is the challenge, I think.

      – Marie

  2. You are absolutely right, Marie. “If there is a scar, there was an injury.” How true.

    • It is true . . . very true . . . how else can I explain the violence that has lived in my head for so many years?

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