Posted by: Marie | November 8, 2010

(439) No good way

Post #439
[Private journal entry written on Monday, May 10, 2010]

Yesterday, my mom and I went to my brother’s house for Mother’s Day.

My brother was unusually emotional because his childhood best friend died a few days ago. While they had not remained close as adults, they had stayed in contact and they shared a sense of connectedness and history.

At the dinner table, my brother and my mom were talking about “old times” with this friend and his family – about where all the family members lived and what they were doing now – who had kids and grandkids and great grandkids.

Photo by Martin Chen

Normally, I would enjoy this type of conversation. However, my brother’s best friend is the nephew of “X”. So, much of the conversation was about “X” and his immediate family.

Neither my mom nor my brother know about the memories of “X” I have been recovering. So, they had no idea the impact the conversation was having on me. I tried to be casual about it, I tried to be part of the conversation, but I was feeling very disconnected from my family in that moment. I was very aware some of my most immediate family knows nothing about the darkest part of my life story. I was very aware they will never be able to support me in my journey.

When I was lying in bed last night, the need to masturbate to a violent, perverted fantasy was unbearably strong. I suspect the reason I “needed” to relieve the anxiety with masturbation rather than ice cream or picking was because I was dealing specifically with sexual memories.

I purposefully placed the memory of Kari front and center in my mind and reminded myself that she is a real person. It didn’t help. I was not able to overcome the urge to masturbate.

I hurried up and got it over with and tried not to allow myself to feel bad about it. It is the only way I know to find relief from this.

I hate this.


  1. It’s very hard sometimes Marie. When our habits are deeply entrenched and we don’t know another way to get the needs met that these habits meet, it is very difficult.

    • That is true, Evan . . . but it sure is discouraging to not know a better way to handle something so powerful. It can bring on hopelessness.

      – Marie

  2. I hope Edward is helping you with this. Usually we just want to do things the way we are used to (it’s not like we don’t have enough to do already). So it is usually by sitting with the stuff and taking it apart and trying stuff that we develop new ways of living.

    I think you have probably experienced this in music – especially with the composition you have done. Not getting anywhere, trying out stuff and then the new form ‘coming to you’. I think you can be confident that the new will come – but the ‘waiting’ can be awfully painful.

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