Posted by: Marie | November 5, 2010

(438) Stuck in the muck

Post #438
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, May 8, 2010]

This evening, I was flipping through the channels on TV and came across a movie I have seen a couple of times before. I knew a particular scene involving a sexual assault on a child would be coming up soon. Obviously, the imagery would be pretty obscure, but it would be enough to incite a violent fantasy in my mind. In the past, I have masturbated to that particular scene, so the psychological connection between that scene and masturbation has already been built in my head.

I struggled between wanting to watch and wanting to make a different choice.

Selflessness Forest by Martin Chen

It was a tough choice, but I chose to change the channel. It took a while before the arousal died down. Then, the tears and silent sobs started – tears that belong to someone stuck being a victim – tears that don’t heal much.

Then came anger – a quiet rage, really – concerning how deep I am in this hole. The hope of ever being in a healthy intimate relationship seems out of reach because my sexuality is so damaged. It feels like I will never get through all the stuff in order to arrive at a place where I want to be alive, where I am doing more than surviving.

When I felt the rage first start boiling, I immediately pushed it back down. I want to let it out, to express it, but I have no idea how. To let it out, I would need to physically destroy something. There is no way to express it sufficiently with only words and tears.

When the tears ran out, I stopped breathing.

I can’t allow myself to breath because then the rage would rise up and explode out of me. I would explode into a thousand pieces and the pieces would scatter so far that I would never find them all – I would never get myself put back together again.

When I can no longer hold my breath, I eat ice cream and then cry silently into my pillow in the dark.

It’s the same almost every night.


  1. Expressing rage safely is really tricky. Some options are:
    chopping wood
    stabbing a cardboard box
    doing a self-defense for women course where you get to hit a pad or someone dressed up in VERY thick padding. In some you get to use a baseball bat!
    There is also smashing bricks with a hammer
    Tearing apart a pillow – using your teeth is OK too
    Hitting a mattress with a tennis racquet or other bat

    All of these are safe for you and others and don’t damage the furniture

    As to developing a healthy intimate relationship. Other women who have had similar experiences have done so. It takes time and work of course but it is possible.

    This is tricky because people who have been through sexual assault understandably don’t want to talk about it much. And it is entirely up to them who they want to talk to and how much they want to say.

    This however leads to the impression that it is uncommon (which it isn’t) and that it doesn’t happen in families (which it does – paedophilia is overwhelmingly incest, people who are raped usually know the person who raped them, assault is usually domestic violence). This means too that recovery from these things and the establishment of a healthy intimate relationship by those who have suffered them is also more common than we get to hear about.

    Hope these thoughts help.

    • Hey, Evan –

      What you have written here is very encouraging for me . . . one of the things I struggle with the most is holding onto the hope it will be better someday. I often feel the best I can hope for is to just survive . . . it is difficult for me to believe I might someday reach a point where I’m thriving and participating in the joyful parts of life like intimate relationships and a desire to take care of my body. So, what you have written here does give me some hope.

      Thank you for that . . .

      – Marie

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