Posted by: Marie | November 1, 2010

(434) Brushing off the dirt

Post #434
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, April 28, 2010]

Yesterday, I called the courthouse to get an update on George’s trial. The clerk told me he had been found guilty on all counts related to the sexual assaults. She said the verdicts on the pornography charges were pending an administrative decision of some sort.

Selflessness Forest by Martin Chen

I’m glad. I’m glad the jury believed the girls. I know the evidence that made the story concrete for me was the brother’s testimony – mainly because of the shame he carried all throughout his body. I could see how tremendously he had been impacted by all of this. I think he was a dickhead for not telling anyone what he knew, but I feel he redeemed himself to some extent by what he chose to do in more recent months.

I have been binging, big time, every day since the first day of jury duty more than a week ago. My bodily functions are starting to shut down from malnutrition. I feel ill and exhausted. But, today, I also feel like I have arrived at the tail end of the binge. I feel I have been processing everything that has happened and now I have come to the end of the processing. I feel I’m coming out on the other side of the heaviness.

It was a lot to handle – a lot to process. I’m proud of how I handled everything.

It could have been a devastating and re-traumatizing experience for me. But, it wasn’t. I believe a lot of good – and healing – came out of it for me.

I’m grateful for that.

————

As part of the binging, I have eaten a ton of ice cream this last week. I did make the effort, as I was spooning scoop after scoop into my mouth, to pay attention to the conversations I was having with myself. Here is what I uncovered:

– I feel really bad – emotionally, physically, spiritually; I hate feeling this bad; I want to feel good.

– I am frozen and stuck and limited in how I show up in the world; I wish I could speak and move in a way that expresses what I really think and feel without having to worry about what other people think and what it will cost me in penalties.

– I am lonely; I will be alone for the rest of my life because I will never get my act together; this is what is in the cards for me, I should just suck it up and learn how to deal with it.

– I don’t want to be alive; I don’t think I will ever find a reason to want to be alive; I’ll be glad when no one in my life cares deeply for me because then I can die without feeling guilty about it.

————

My thoughts are starting to turn back toward therapy. My next session is in two weeks from now.

Because my relationship with Edward is so new, I still am feeling a bit tentative about trusting him. That is normal and reasonable. Based upon what I have experienced with him so far, I think he is very trustworthy. I think I will be able to let my guard down and really lean on him in the relatively near future.

To help myself move in the direction, I have identified a few “stories” floating around in my head that could impede my progress:

– If given the chance, any man (including Edward), will criticize, belittle and invalidate my attempts at exploring buried emotions and sensations.

– There is no benefit in focusing so much attention on my pain and needs; when I do so, I am catering to my weaknesses and I’m sucking energy from my ability to contribute to the community as much as I should be contributing – as a result, people (including Edward) will think I’m a loser.

– If I admit to feeling the level of pain I actually feel, people (including Edward) will think I’m exaggerating and looking for sympathy; this will cause them (him) to not want to have anything to do with me and they (he) will abandon me.

In actuality, some people have and will respond in those ways – my dad responded in those ways – Mark responded in those ways. However, Edward is giving me every indication his responses will be about as opposite from that as they can be.

I am choosing to be open to the possibility he will actually provide strong and dependable protection as I allow myself to explore and express my deepest thoughts and emotions. I believe that is a very real possibility with him.


Responses

  1. Glad you got through the processing.

    I think the interactions on this blog provide counterweights to those stories floating around in your head.

    I’m looking forward to hearing more about your and Edward’s relationship.

    • Oh, my gosh, Evan . . . the interactions I have with the men who faithfully read and comment and provide support via my blog have played a huge role in my ability to shift these beliefs. I hope you all know how much it means to me! I talk about it a lot in my conversations with Edward . . . how can I say “all men will . . . ” when I see something different on a regular basis on my blog and in therapy?

      Thank you, Evan!


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