Posted by: Marie | October 29, 2010

(433) What could I be remembering?

Post #433
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, April 25, 2010]

When I thought there was a possibility I was going to be a juror on the child sexual assault case earlier this week, I was plagued by the fear the testimony of the abuse would cause me to be sexually aroused. When I was dismissed from jury duty and then attended the trial as an observer, I had the same concern.

My fear is founded in the fact I use violent fantasies in my masturbation – fantasies about little girls being raped (well, more accurately, about me as a little girl being raped). I hate the fact I am only aroused by such images and not by wholesome fantasies. I understand I am wired this way because violence and pain were associated with my own sexual arousal when I was a little kid.

Tainun County Taiwan by Martin Chen

I understand it is not my fault my brain got wired that way. But, I hate I have not yet been able to break that association and I hate I still feel the need to relieve high levels of anxiety by masturbating. Sometimes I can relieve that intense anxiety by eating ice cream or picking at my face . . . but sometimes the need to release it with masturbation is overwhelming. I hate this part of who I am.

Anyway . . . concerning the trial . . . I was relieved to find the trial testimony did not stimulate me sexually. I think it is because I was so emotionally invested in the girls – I saw them as “real” people and not throwaway bodies embedded in a fantasy.

Now that the trial is history for me, I am finding I can no longer masturbate to violent porn or violent fantasies. Whenever I start to “go there”, I see Kari’s face – and I can’t bring myself to violate my memory of her.

For my entire life, I have used masturbation as a way to shut down the uncomfortable images and body sensations that come with being aroused. If I can climax quickly, the images and sensations don’t have an opportunity to become too invasive and debilitating – in fact, they don’t even require my attention.

So, now, I don’t have that escape. And, that has been tough. In order to function, I have just “shut down” the sexual part of my body and brain. I recognize this is not a good long-term solution. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Last night, I was lying in bed, fighting the urge to masturbate. My anxiety level got higher and higher and higher. I just stayed with it . . . I figured I’d see how high it would go and if I could tolerate it. At one point, it felt like my air was being cut off by heavy, steady pressure on my rib cage – I couldn’t draw a breath. Then, there was a dull explosion of lights in my head and I felt an orgasmic release as I was able to suck in a full breath.

The feeling of not being able to get air was a more intense version of the sensation I often get when I first lie down in bed. I have to stay sitting halfway upright until I almost fall asleep to avoid feeling like my air is getting cut off – like I’m slipping underwater.

I don’t know what to make of it . . . strange stuff.


  1. Hmm. Difficult stuff. I guess my concern is that you are in a situation with enough support as you work through this stuff.

    I’ll be interested to hear how you go with it.

    • Hey, Evan –

      What is interesting to me is my initial response to your comment . . . I thought, “Well, I’ve been dealing with the stuff for my entire life without support, of course I can deal with it now!”

      The flip side of that is . . . if I’m still dealing with it now, so many years later, I probably haven’t had the support I needed to move through it — there is a big difference between surviving it and working through it.

      So, your concern is very valid!

      – Marie

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