Posted by: Marie | October 18, 2010

(424) Weighty decisions

Post #424
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 – 8pm]

I made it through my piano lessons this evening. I’m back home, in my pajamas.

I ate more ice cream tonight. I’m still reeling from everything that has happened in the last 36 hours and it feels like I can’t stop spinning without the chemical relief provided by that frozen bliss.

Oh, well . . . a few more pints of ice cream, a few more pounds on my body . . . what’s the difference? Why stop tonight? (Those are rhetorical questions, by the way.)

I thought I could emotionally detach from the court case once I got dismissed from the jury pool. But, that is not happening . . . at least it hasn’t happened yet.

Photo by Martin Chen

I find myself desperately wanting to go observe the trial from the gallery. I want to hear the testimony provided by the law enforcement officers and the social workers. I want to hear how the mom explains away her lack of awareness. I want to look in those piercing blue eyes as Mr. Smith as he describes how innocent he is.

I find myself desperately wanting to see firsthand how that kind of devastation manifests itself on the minds and bodies of little girls. I want to see if those scars are the same scars I carry.

I want to see if my story is buried somewhere in their story.

I want to see if I can find child-Marie in the faces of those two girls.

I want to see if bearing witness to their horror will make the memories of my horror seem more believable to me.

I want to hear what they have to say for the same reasons I keep reaching for the same perverted, violent stories on the internet . . . I’m still trying to find my own story.

I wonder if hearing those horrific words via live, believable testimony will somehow do for me what the make-believe stories from the internet haven’t yet done for me.

Is that crazy? Is it stupid? Is it irresponsible?

Should I instead go home and catch up on my sleep?

Will I hear and see things I won’t be able to forget – that will play uncontrollably over and over in my mind for weeks and months to come?

Will I discover I really am so broken that bearing witness to their pain triggers arousal for me?

Is it selfish to use the painful experiences of two young girls as a tool for discovering my own healing path?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I do know that, if I attend the trial, at least I am out from under the burden of having to remain neutral in my judgments. If I am horrified by what I hear or see, or by how I respond, I am free to leave. If I become overly emotional, I can slide down low in my seat or I can leave.

Right now, my gut is strongly telling me I need to go to the trial. If, at the time I finish my school district shift in the morning, the strength of that feeling is still as strong as it is now, I’ll go. If my interest has faded to the point that attending no longer feels important to me, I won’t go.

That is how I will decide.


  1. I’m interested to hear what you decided. It seems like a very fraught decision – tricky whichever way you decide.

    • Hey, Evan –

      It was a decision that caused much worry! Thanks for your continued interest!

      – Marie

  2. Whew, that’s a big thing to contemplate. I’ll be interested to see what you decided. Also interested to know whether you may have chosen to get that information in a different, less confrontational way … there are dozens of books with case histories of this kind of thing, which could potentially provide the same material and/or validation, but without the stress of having to witness it in real time. Your gut is good, though, and you’re learning to trust it, which is wonderful.

    • Hey, David –

      You make a great point . . . there are many other sources . . . but, for whatever reason, it seems important to me to get information “energetically” . . . by feeling the energy of the people and the information with my body . . . if that makes sense.

      I realized it was one of the few opportunities I would likely have to witness the unfolding of a story in this manner. I kept trying to use logic in making this decision, but my intuition was so overwhelming.

      Thank you for the kind words . . .

      – Marie

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