Posted by: Marie | October 14, 2010

(422) A horrific possibility

Post #422
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 – 10am]

Last night, driving home, I was in a powerful place.

However, once I got home, I kind of fell to pieces. As soon as I walked in the door, I drank a beer. Then I drank another one.

Then I started in on the ice cream. I ate two pints of B&J’s.

I feel like this court case is pulling me down into a deep, dark hole and I’m losing control over what happens next. I’m beginning to doubt my ability to handle being a juror in this case.

The Rise by Martin Chen

If I’m selected, I suppose I’ll do what I have to do. But, I’m concerned about what it will do to me and to my healing journey.

I have this fear that is growing by the hour . . . I hate it is even something I have to worry about . . . but, it is a legitimate fear . . .

I am terrified I might find the evidence and testimony presented in the trial arousing. What if, instead of being horrified, I get excited? I mean, this is the stuff my masturbational fantasies are created from . . . what if I can’t shut that part of my brain down during the trial?

That is the part of me – and my history – that I hate. I hate it. I hate that part of me.

Maybe I shouldn’t have displayed so much bravado during the closed session. Maybe I should have allowed myself to be a bit wimpier so this could have been done and over with by now.

I went to bed, but I didn’t sleep much. It was a bit rough getting up this morning.

But, duty calls. So, I hauled my weary ass back to the courthouse this morning.

Now we are sitting here in the jury room . . . waiting . . . waiting . . .

I have a piano lesson scheduled for 1pm today. I wonder if I’ll still be at the courthouse then. I wonder if I’m capable of teaching today.


  1. I hope that getting so close to this fear is as far as this had to go for you. I also think that if you did serve on the jury and go to trial, you would have been less likely to have that response to the evidence, if only because the forum would be public rather than private … and IMO, your arousal around these types of sexual materials are your stuck and wounded brain’s desperate attempts to make sense of/control it. You couldn’t control it or do anything about it when it was happening, but in recreating it as an adult, you have complete control over it. So I don’t think it’s that this type of pornography is inherently appealing to you, so much as it is, like anything else “negative,” a symptom of where you are wounded, and a signpost, really, to point you to a lost and hurt part of yourself that needs attention.

    You may hate that part of yourself, but that part of you is not bad; she is just confused and hurt and making sense of what happened to her in the only way she knows how. I think one of the most liberating things you will eventually do in therapy is to help her process that experience so that your sexuality can be more about choice and possibility, and less about reliving traumas. But I hope you were able to approach this on your own terms, rather than being thrown into it via jury duty. Yikes.

    • Hey, David –

      This definately was not the forum in which I had hoped to deal with this issue . . .

      I think you are right on the money about why I am attracted to such violent images. And, I agree processing those experiences in therapy (a much better forum) will hopefully pull my sexuality into a healthier place.

      Thank you so much for the encouraging words!

      – Marie

  2. Oh boy. I hope it went OK.

    About the fantasies. My take is that it is a way of asserting power/control that you didn’t have at the time.

    Initiating a sexual relationship at ‘too young an age’ is something that sexual abuse/incest survivors can do (I’m not saying you have ever done this) as a way of taking control of their sexuality. If they choose a good partner it can be healing. My guess is that what we use to get aroused is similarly a way of taking control of our sexuality.

    • Hey, Evan –

      When I think about the possibility of having sex again, I try to imagine what type of person my partner would have to be in order for that experience to be a healing one.

      That person would have to embody the sensitivity and commitment to non-judgmental support I have seen in my current therapist and in my small band of regular blog supporters — you men give me hope.

      – Marie

  3. Maybe your bravado was a bit out there. How did it go? I would have caved and cried to be let out. Well, maybe not, I have a damning way of not being present for those kinds of things…

    • Hey, Ivory –

      I guess we all do what we have to do . . .

      I’m learning to not judge what I see others doing because I don’t know what is behind their behavior . . . per your point . . .

      – Marie

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