Posted by: Marie | August 18, 2010

(381) Beginning of the end – 1:30pm

Post #381
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, March 4, 2010 – 1:30pm]

This effort with Mark is not working. I’m going to wrap things up with him – I am wasting my time and money. I don’t think even Melodie can smack some sense into him. He simply isn’t willing to see another possibility.

He is a narcissistic, stubborn, prideful, lazy, arrogant son-of-a-bitch – and a really bad therapist. May God help him.

Really, God . . . please help him . . . before he screws up some other poor sucker’s psyche with his dangerous practices.

The idea of starting over with someone else terrifies me. What if I am not able to work with a different therapist? Maybe I will spend a lot more time and money with someone else just to end up in the same circumstance. Maybe I am that difficult of a client.

Maybe this relationship with Mark is the best relationship I will ever have with a therapist. Maybe this is the best I can do. Why should I think my experience with a third therapist would be any better than my experiences with the first two therapists?

Maybe this relationship with Mark is the best relationship I will ever have with a man.

And, on the other hand, maybe none of that is true. Maybe a better result will come from leaving.

I am so very invested in this relationship – probably because I’m trying to heal the relationship with my dead dad via my relationship with a very alive Mark.

I am so very frustrated. And scared. And discouraged. And very alone.

I hate this.

But, sitting here hating it doesn’t make it better.

I’ve got to try something else. Worse case, I find out that it doesn’t get any better than this. But, at least, I won’t be any worse off . . . maybe out some money and time, but not worse off.

What if I started talking to other therapists . . . just to see who else is “out there” . . . ??

I wouldn’t have to make any commitments . . . I wouldn’t have to commit to starting with a new therapist . . . I wouldn’t have to commit to stopping with Mark. I could just start looking . . . maybe I’d feel more able to make a decision about Mark if I were familiar with the other options that exist for me.



  1. Hurray! Glad you got over that ‘stinkin thinkin’ that said this badness was as good as it was going to get… Time to kick that loser Mark to the curb!

    • Thank you, Ellen! It took me long enough!

      – Marie

  2. “What if I am not able to work with a different therapist?”

    I for one am very confident you will be able to work with a good therapist because you show such good awareness of your own feelings and process. Also the commitment to work on stuff – you’ve shown this in a very unsupportive relationship with Mark so I have no doubt you will find it easier with a good therapist.

    Which is of course just my opinion and you know yourself better than me, but it is what I think.

    • Hey, Evan –

      That makes sense to me! It seems it would be a better use of time and energy and money if I had a therapist who wasn’t putting the focus on his own stuff!

      Thank you for the kind words . . . it is good to hear them!

      – Marie

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