Posted by: Marie | July 29, 2010

(367) Questionable friendship

Post #367
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, February 23, 2010]

Today, I had a surprise waiting for me in my inbox at my school district job. The flirty married guy, Ron, had been in the office and left his business card.

It’s been five months since I last had any contact with him.

I called him . . . part of me is curious . . .

I know for absolute sure that I will not sleep with him . . . I guess the work I have done since I met him last fall is starting to grab hold. I feel confident in my ability to speak the truth to him . . . even though it might be tough on him.

The Tea Garden by Martin Chen

Yet, I’m curious about what would happen if I allowed him to pursue a friendship . . . how would he behave in the face of very strong boundaries? Now that I have the studio, I actually have a place we could go to talk that is semi-public (reduced temptation) but where we could talk privately – as opposed to going to my one-room living space that has a bed in it. (We haven’t been anywhere together yet except at my work place.)

Part of me wants to let this play out so I can have a real-life example of a red-flagged situation. I want to examine what he says and does – I want to examine it from this new place of growth and healing. I want to see how he chooses to behave when I am in this new place. I want to see how I react now that I’m in this new place.

I like his personality . . . I think it would be fun to have him as a friend as long as we keep our behavior aboveboard.

I keep thinking . . . what if, back when I was in my 20’s, when much of my behavior was ugly and immoral, some guy refused to be friends with me because he didn’t agree with some of my choices . . . ?? On the other hand, what if that guy decided to look past my bad choices and decided to be my friend anyway . . . ??

Would that friendship have made a difference for me? Would I have seen a different way of being if a guy had been a real friend to me while refusing to have sex with me – and while speaking the truth to me about my way of showing up in the world?

Maybe Ron is in that place . . . maybe he is hungry for real connection . . . maybe he just needs to see another way of being – with strong boundaries.

If I were to look at this from an outside viewpoint, I would yell at myself to “run, don’t walk” away.

But, I want to see what happens. For whatever reason, I feel a need to try a different way. As I’m making this decision, I can sense I’m coming from a strong place, not a place of desperation. When I met him last fall, I was coming from a place of desperation.

So . . . we shall see what happens.


  1. You do have a way of putting yourself in situations to learn from. As with Mark.

    I hope it worked out well (the sorting out with Mark seemed to go well, even if very difficult)

  2. PS I do wonder if it is good to do this in two relationships at the same time (if the sorting out with Mark was still going on)

    • You are right, Evan . . . I do have a way of using life situations as learning opportunities . . .

      I actually was hoping Mark would help me sort through my thinking/feeling in relation to Ron . . . be a sounding board . . .

      – Marie

  3. I thought this Ron guy is married? Be careful, Marie. You deserve to be in situations that are clean and respectful.

    • Hi, Ethereal Highway –

      Yes, you remember correctly . . . he is married. I was curious if how he would behave if I maintained very strong boundaries . . . would he be willing to be “just friends” in the truest sense of the word?

      I wanted an opportunity to explore this possibility as a way to learn more about how I have historically interacted with men and how I might learn a new way . . . does that make sense?

      – Marie

  4. “I wanted an opportunity to explore this possibility as a way to learn more about how I have historically interacted with men and how I might learn a new way . . . does that make sense?”

    Yes, it makes sense. Or it could be just a gigantic rationalization to pursue something that is ultimately harmful for both of you. How you actually dealt with it will tell the story of which this ended up being.

    • Great point, Aaron . . .

      When I met him five months earlier, I knew I probably wouldn’t do anything inappropriate with him but I didn’t trust myself totally. This time around, I did trust myself totally because I had changed dramatically in those five months.

      This second time around, it really was that I wanted to explore interacting with him appropriately.

      Thanks for your input!

      – Marie

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