Posted by: Marie | July 9, 2010

(353) The meltdown exposes gold

Post #353
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, February 6, 2010]

This morning, I sent another email:

Hi, Mark –

I didn’t want to wait two weeks to tell you . . .

Our session this week was a very good session – I learned a great deal about how I show up in situations.

I really appreciate that you took responsibility for your part in things . . . you took responsibility for a lot of stuff. That meant a lot to me and I came away encouraged by that after our session. It was something I really needed from you and you came through for me. Thank you for that.

In the session, I heard you talk about how I discredit what you contribute to my therapy. I didn’t think I did that – but, on one of our phone calls yesterday, I heard myself doing that, especially with how you had taken responsibility for stuff. So, I can see that you are right about that. I was not aware I did that and I apologize. I’m sure it hasn’t been fun for you, being on the receiving end of that.

I am doing fine today – and I’m looking forward to what good stuff will happen in our next session. Hopefully, now that I have gotten a few things straight in my head last night, maybe that “better space” will carry over into my session with you and will allow us to enjoy even more progress.

Thank you for your continued support of me. I know it is not easy being there for me – I know I’m a tough client.

– Marie

———————————-

Today, I have been experiencing a sense that my “normal” personality . . . the one that manages everything and keeps such perfect order and maintains such a tight control over everything . . . had a meltdown.

This is the part of me that makes sure I’m perfect enough to be loved, compliant enough to not get hit, agreeable enough to be tolerated by others . . . the peacemaker . . . the part of me that makes sure the environmental anger and tension never get to an explosive point . . . the part of me that made it possible for me to survive the violence . . . the part of me that ducks and weaves and apologizes for things that aren’t my fault . . . the part of me that enforces silence even when my soul is screaming to be heard . . .

I was aware that she was losing strength over the past few months, but this feels like she had a major meltdown last night and had to go away for a while to be re-tooled for a different purpose.

During yesterday’s meltdown, during a specific time period of about ten minutes, I felt a physical and spiritual shift in my body.

It feels like the mother part of me – the part I now call the “healer” – the part that is the creator of this blog, the inspiration for my new relationship with music and teaching piano, and the speaker of truth – has taken over the management of who I am and how I show up in the world.

The frazzled anxiety I normally feel has dissipated. I have a sense of incredible calm and centeredness. My body feels muscular and powerful. I feel very solid and grounded.

This could be a very good thing.


Responses

  1. It sounds like a very good thing indeed.

    And it sounds like your relationship with Mark has made a huge shift too.

    I hope this lasted to some extent and has stayed with you.

    • Hey, Evan –

      This was, indeed, a powerful and dramatic shift. It affected how I started showing up in my relationship with Mark, which of course shifted the relationship.

      Thank you for your encouraging words!

      – Marie


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