Posted by: Marie | July 6, 2010

(350) Melting down – 7pm

Post #350
[Private journal entry written on Friday, February 5, 2010 – 7pm]

Hey, I wonder what would happen if I went to therapy and quit fighting . . . ??

What if I just went there and said what I had to say . . . if I just kept repeating myself until he shut the fuck up and listened to me . . . ??

Or, if I just sat there and did nothing . . . or sat under my security blanket and said nothing . . . and ignored anything he said that wasn’t about me . . . until the silence bugged him so much that he would beg me to talk. I wonder if that would work . . . ?

What if I started telling the truth . . . the whole truth . . . instead of always biting my tongue? What if I let him get angry? What if I let him manage his own emotions?

I might be on to something here.

The Island by Martin Chen

What if I quit trying to talk to people who aren’t willing to listen?

What if I only expended my breath on people who were willing to listen – and listen well?

What if I only expended my breath on things really worth saying?

If Mark won’t listen, maybe I won’t talk to him. It wouldn’t be about me, or the value of what I have to say, it would be about his inability to listen. And that has nothing to do with me.

Do I already know that Mark won’t listen to me? Have I really given him a fair chance? Am I doing anything that would keep him from being able to hear me?

If I am honest with myself, I have been keeping him very preoccupied with drama. I can now see that I have been trying to prove the value of what I had to say as a child through his ability to listen to me in the present time – and that, in and of itself, could be keeping him from being able to really hear me.

So, what if I removed the drama? What if I let all of our history be history? What if I started the next session with a clean slate? What if I created a wide-open space that would allow him the latitude to freely choose to listen – or not? Or to get angry – or not?

I think it is worth a shot.


Responses

  1. I’m very much looking forward to hearing about that next session!

    • Hey, Evan –

      The next session does have a very different feel to it than others in the past . . .

      – Marie

  2. I wonder if it’s even possible to erase history … I don’t think it is, because history is created by the inherent natures of the people involved.

    On an unrelated topic, is it just me, or is today’s photo of a giant piece of broccoli?

    • Hey, David –

      You know, I think it is possible to set aside the history . . . in other words, each party make a strong effort to set aside assumptions about what will happen in the present/future. But, it is tough . . . both parties have to set aside their attachments to being right and justified.

      I had to laugh about your comment on the photo, LOL. Sometimes, Martin Chen doesn’t put publish many details about his photos . . . or more often, he provides more information in Taiwanese — which, of course, is totally lost on me.

      Most of his photos come from the countries near Taiwan . . . and I’m guessing it is volcanic remains sitting in the ocean somewhere . . .

      – Marie

  3. I think you can learn from history, but not forget or erase it. I hope you were able to take some things about what you didn’t like and turn them into things to help your relationship with your t.

    • Hi, Lily –

      I agree . . . the good news is that we can learn a lot from history . . . those experiences are rarely in vain.

      Thanks for your comment!

      – Marie


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