Posted by: Marie | July 5, 2010

(349) Melting down – 5pm

Post #349
[Private journal entry written on Friday, February 5, 2010 – 5pm]

Thirty minutes after sending the first email, I sent a second email to Mark:

You might want to read the document (attached to the previous email) before trying to make sense of the following . . .

Here is the raw truth: When you send the aggressive “don’t blame me” emails and when you argue aggressively with me in person, it scares the shit out of me and I feel very unsafe. I can’t figure out how to work through my stuff without setting you off that way and causing you to write/speak that way to me. I don’t know how to get you to stop it. I have tried and tried to get you to stop by speaking to you about it in a tactful way, but I can’t get you to hear me. So, now, here it is in a not-tactful way. You said you needed the whole truth, so there it is. You are right, at this point, I have nothing to lose.

[And no, I didn’t wait 24 hours before sending this.]

Then, I went to work a couple of hours at my school district job. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I yelled at the kids. I made major mistakes that put the kids in grave danger – apparently our guardian angels were working overtime because none of the bad things that could have easily happened due to my mistakes happened.

I was an absolute mess. Towards the end of my shift, I found a private corner at work and called Mark. I told him I was really losing it – big time.

The Flower by Martin Chen

He said he was scheduled to meet with a client at that moment, so he couldn’t really talk right then. And, he was booked solid for the rest of the evening, then he wouldn’t be taking client calls again until Monday. That meant I was on my own for the weekend. He told me to go to the emergency room if I was really in bad shape. I told him I wasn’t in that bad of shape.

He asked if I had a friend I could go do something with to get my mind off things. I told him I’d just go home and go to bed – that is what I normally do when I’m in this state. So, I went home and now I’m in bed.

My brain has been spinning for hours and hours. I guess I have to just wait this one out.

My dad didn’t value what I had to say enough to listen. The same has been true for every other significant man in my life. I just need to be heard – that is why I hired a therapist – so I could talk and be heard and understood – and get the shit out of my head and body so I can look at it and deal with it.

But, now, my therapist doesn’t value what I have to say enough to listen. My other therapist, Dr. Barb, wouldn’t listen to me either. If a therapist won’t listen, what chance do I have that any other man (or woman) will listen?

I am too fucked up in the head to be effective at therapy. If I can’t get this stuff figured out in therapy, then there is no hope that I will ever be able to be in relationship with people. I don’t get how to do therapy; I don’t get how to be with people. And people are the main reason we stay alive. If I don’t have intimate relationships with people in my life, what reason do I have to live?

I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I am done fighting. I’m done trying to convince him to listen to me.

I’m done.


Responses

  1. That sounds like a big decision.

    I do think therapy is about listening. Especially at first – and at least one therapist, Carl Rogers, stuck entirely to listening so far as I can tell (he had a pretty strict definition of what he did). Later when the therapist and client know each other and often have become friends (though it may not be permitted to say such things) then perhaps advice and so on may become useful. At this stage I think a therapist sticking to listening can be a cop-out on their part.

    Looking forward to what happens next – especially if you had another session.

    • Hey, Evan –

      So . . . I follow what you are saying all except the last sentence . . . I’m not sure what you mean by listening being a cop-out . . . ??

      – Marie

  2. What I mean is that it may be avoiding saying what I think is right or taking the risk of giving advice that may turn out to be wrong.

    Just listening or reflecting what the other person says means I don’t have to commit.

    If playing god is wrong so is claiming to know nothing at all (it is just as pretensious in my (not so?) humble opinion).

    If I know someone well (eg. someone who I have spent lots of time listening to, exploring their world with, watching grow and clarify what helps them grow – ie. someone like a psychotherapy client) then it is very strange if I don’t have some ideas about what would be the wiser thing for them to do in some situations. I may not, but sometimes I probably will (and then to not say what I think is just hiding behind professionalism – which I find distasteful, and probably unethical).

    I hope I’m explaining what I mean and not just confusing things more.

    In brief: To give advice to a stranger may well be ridiculous, but to someone I know well is a different matter.

    • Ah! Now it makes sense . . I can see how going with one extreme or the other can be a cop-out.

      Thanks for coming back and clarifying! I appreciate it!

      – Marie


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