Posted by: Marie | June 15, 2010

(335) It shouldn’t be this hard

Post #335
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, January 23, 2010]

I am really proud of myself for coming back to finish this unfinished business. It was not easy. But, it seems to be a worthwhile effort. Coming back says a lot about my character and my commitment to healing and to integrity and wholeness – despite what Mark says.

While I think Mark now understands in what way his understanding was flawed, and he understands why it is vital he not talk about his beliefs in the future, I don’t think he has any clue the impact his carelessness had on me.

Sun Moon Lake by Martin Chen

My entire healing journey has been tainted by this – it caused me to lose trust in my therapist, it caused me to quit therapy, it affected my hope of being able to trust men, it took away a venue I could have had for talking through what I do and don’t believe about God (well, maybe) . . . the impact was severe.

I don’t know that he will ever come close to understanding that. I think he thinks he can just wave his hand and make a joke and it will all be done and over with, and in the past for both of us. I’m afraid I’m gonna need more than a minute or two to let the sting die down. I don’t want to hang onto it, but I’m not such a saint that I can wave my hand and make it all go away. It will take some time.

It seems it shouldn’t be this hard to get along with a therapist – even if he is a bad fit, he still is kind, good hearted, smart, educated . . . same goes for me . . . shouldn’t we at least be able to have one session where we don’t argue? I hate the arguing . . . I want to be able to say what I need to say without having to defend it a million ways to Sunday.

It has crossed my mind that my time with him in this “second round” may be short – my gut is telling me that there are a handful of certain issues I need to work through with his help (mainly body memories and healing the wounds from the conflict with my dad) – and then I need to move away from him again.

I don’t think he will be able to help me with the bigger picture – but I don’t think I really need him to, either. I seem to be doing fine with that on my own.

Later, I may consider doing a role-playing exercise with him. Because his religious beliefs and fervor, and his personality are all so similar to my dad’s, I think Mark is uniquely qualified to play the role of my dad in a father-daughter healing conversation. I think it could be a very powerful exercise.

And, I could work with Mark on mirror exercises and on setting boundaries (especially touch, sex, religion) and how to effectively speak up when someone is violating a boundary (instead of gritting my teeth and suffering in silence, exploding in anger, talking in circles, threatening to leave, leaving, etc.)

I’ll just have to play it by ear . . . check with my gut after each session to see if I should continue or not.

Anyway, as I’m sitting here typing, I am looking at my desk.

I see: a plate & fork from a breakfast burrito, a bowl and spoon from lunch’s soup (remnants are very crusty now), a half-full wine bottle, one empty coke can, one almost full cold coke can, ibuprofen, allergy tablets, Carmex (my lips are dry because I’m not drinking enough water), an empty coffee cup, an unopened bag of ground coffee that hasn’t made it to the kitchen yet, a pen with a chewed up end and a very chewed up cap, a stack of post-it notes and a “to do” list scribbled on a tattered piece of notebook paper.

This says so much about how the last week has been for me.

My “to do” list says that I really need to update my blog stats spreadsheet – that takes hours. I don’t want to do it. I’d rather be doing other stuff like reading and writing and making music.

So, in this moment, I’m making an executive decision . . .

When I look at my personal motto (“I spend my time, energy and money wisely . . . “), I can see that updating a dumb spreadsheet with data I really don’t use except to show myself how successful (or unsuccessful) my blog has become . . . to pat myself and my ego on the back . . . well, that’s not a wise use of my time. So, I’m not going to do it anymore.

So, there! Ha!


Responses

  1. Marie–my experience with therapy was that I had to trust the person I finally opened up to. We didn’t always agree and sometimes she was hard on me but I alway trusted her 100%, which I feel is essential for therapy to work. I visited about five therapists (after screening them carefully before that–I started out with a list of 30). It’s so important to find someone who is a ‘good fit.’

    Sometimes it is good to have a therapist who doesn’t spend the entire time blowing sunshine up your wazoo! :-) I need to hear it straight because I can have an awfully hard head sometimes!

    Take care,

    Melinda

    • Hey, Melinda –

      You make an excellent point . . . a good fit is so very important! And, so is having a therapist who speaks the truth . . .

      I like the idea of starting out with a long list and then narrowing down the list. Thanks for th input!

      – Marie


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