Posted by: Marie | June 10, 2010

(332) Sorting through it all – Part 1 of 3

Post #332
[Private journal entry written on Friday, January 22, 2010]

I’m still processing yesterday’s therapy session . . .

It is true that I have an attachment to staying wounded because, when I am actively feeling my pain, the abuse feels real to me and I have a reason for being less than my father said I should be. When I don’t feel the pain, the abuse no longer feels real and I lose my “excuse” for being less than – which means I’m just a bad person instead of a good person reacting to bad stuff in my childhood.

But, I am cognizant of that – and, I can look at my blog and see I am committed to healing and moving forward. I got back into therapy with Mark – and dealt with all the religion crap – in order to find a way through the body memories – and to finish unfinished business. I think that shows a solid level of commitment to healing. I know in my gut I’m not using the mirror exercise as a way to hang onto the pain – I believe I’m honest enough with myself to know if I doing that or not.

Sand by Martin Chen

When I make negative statements about me, or my situation, it is not because I’m embracing them. It is because I’m sorting them out – identifying them and putting them into words for the first time. I need Mark to understand that, otherwise it feels like he thinks I’m exaggerating and faking – like he doesn’t believe me (like what is happening with the mirror exercise thing). I need him to trust my own process even when it doesn’t make sense to him.

Maybe he thinks I am committed to being a victim and to suffering because of the religion misunderstanding – I can see where my resistance there could be seen as a commitment to staying stuck – and I was VERY resistant, to say the least. So, maybe, with that misunderstanding out of the way, he can begin to see that I’m not committed to being in pain – that my resistance was appropriate.

At any rate, I’m angry that he doesn’t believe me. I’m tempted to make it a deal-breaker.

But, if I did make it a deal-breaker, then he would be right about the “always threatening to leave” part. I want to do it differently this time. I want to stay and see it to the end – I want to stay until I have worked my way through all the confusion I currently have about our relationship.

I’m going to resist the temptation to put Mark on notice. Instead, I’ll see if I can get him to understand sans the threats to leave.

And, maybe, it’s not really a deal-breaker; maybe I’m just afraid. I know he really wants what is best for me. I now know he’ll stick with me until we get it worked out – I just have to find a way to successfully communicate and negotiate. That would be a new skill for me – a valuable one.

Maybe his lack of belief in what I say doesn’t matter. I’ll do what I’m going to do, he’ll do what he’s going to do – and I’ll glean what I can from it and move on. Maybe it doesn’t matter what goes on in his head as long as he isn’t disrespectful or abusive. He does seem to have a really good knack for triggering me . . . maybe his job is to do the triggering and it is my job to figure out what I’m going to do about it. Maybe I learn the most from the intense conflict.

And, about the sabotaging . . .

I recognize that I sabotage relationships with men because I have no faith in the relationships’ ability to survive. In the past, up until this relationship with Mark, they have all failed . . . it was just a matter of time. I find it so difficult to allow myself to hope that it could be different – if I hope, I guarantee my heart is going to be ripped out. I am really struggling to allow myself to hope.

So, there is truth in what he is saying. And, I think he can be very valuable in helping me learn another way – like I said, I get plenty triggered with him – as much as any other man I’ve associated with. And, he keeps coming back – he is committed to seeing this thing through – which is more than I can say for any other man I’ve known.

I actually have more hope for this relationship with Mark than I have had for it in a very long time. I have had doubts about the religion thing and the paranormal abilities thing right from the start. Those doubts have clouded the relationship from the beginning.

Now, with the religious thing cleared up, I no longer feel like I have to protect myself in our discussions . . . there are some things I’m scared to say (to set them outside myself where he can see them), but I don’t feel like I have to protect the core of me, i.e.; “my soul”. I no longer feel like he is going to come at me and attack me and tear into my core – which is what is seemed he was doing with the religion stuff. I was trying to keep it away from him but he kept coming into my personal space and dragging it out of me.

That is what my dad did . . . he reached into my spirit and tore out my thoughts and beliefs and opinions and then stomped on them. And “X” reached into my body and tore out my innocence. I feel like I don’t have borders/boundaries.

With Mark, I need to feel that I get to choose what goes out from inside of me, in my time, in my way. I don’t ever again want to feel that he is reaching into my soul uninvited.

Clearing up this misunderstanding with Mark is HUGE. It is huge that we walked away from this session with him providing to me the two things I really needed from him: his understanding of how his continued interjection of Christianity into my therapy was affecting me (more importantly, he understands why it is critical he doesn’t do it any more), and a promise that he won’t do it any more.

I knew that he wouldn’t continue doing it if he really understood the situation – I knew he had to be doing what he was doing because he wasn’t understanding something.

I feel certain that he will not bring up Christianity, the Bible or his beliefs again. This is the first time since we started therapy two years ago that I have felt this way. In fact, I feel so certain about it that I would be willing to very carefully venture into a discussion on what beliefs and I do and don’t have about God – about the conflicts and uncertainty I have in my current belief structure. I think he could keep the focus on my belief structure.

The fact that I am even considering that is HUGE!

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


  1. It sure is HUGE.

    • I’m glad you think so, also!

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