Posted by: Marie | May 31, 2010

(324) This must be the end

Post #324
[Private journal entry written on Monday, January 18, 2010 – 11pm]

I should be sleeping . . . I have to get up early.

My brain is reeling. My body is reeling. I am in shock. How did things go so badly, so quickly?

I have to get a grip on reality. Mark has never taken responsibility for his part in any of this. He is not going to start taking responsibility now. I have to let go of the hope that I can find healing with Mark’s help. I was crazy to think it might work – that it would be worth a try.

I was hoping I could learn a way of handling conflict other than always walking away. I didn’t want to walk away – I wanted to stay and make it work – I wanted, for once, to have a healthy, emotionally intimate relationship with a man. I wanted to stay and do whatever I needed to do to make it work – even if it got really ugly.

On the Lake by Martin Chen

There is no way I can go back into therapy with him. Not only do I not have the assurance that he will respect the boundaries I need in place in order to feel safe, but now I don’t have a clue what is going to set him off onto an abusive tantrum. There is no way I could ever feel safe enough with him to ever let down my guard in a session again. I have to walk away.

If he did acknowledge his part in this – and apologized to me – I think I could be okay enough with it to be friendly when I see him around town. But, the therapeutic relationship is done – I don’t see how that trust could ever be restored enough to allow me to feel safe with him that way again. That part is destroyed.

This is turning into a repeat performance of living with my dad – and living with my husband – and living with my roommate Doug. It’s never the man’s fault – it’s always my fault. Everything is always my fault, so they say.

I was hoping Mark could be a substitute father-figure for me since he is similar to my dad in so many ways – I was hoping that I could heal some of the wounds created by my father by developing a healthy relationship with Mark. Well, the humorous part is that he did one bang-up job of re-enacting my father’s relationship with me . . . he’s got the role down to a “T”. (no pun intended)

I don’t know what to do with this. My first reaction to his email was to take full responsibility – surely, it had to be my fault – it’s always my fault. If I weren’t so screwed up, I’d have a clue how to do it right the first time.

But, now, as I have stepped back a few steps, I think he really messed up – I messed up some, but he messed up a whole lot. Not that it matters. In his mind, it will always be my fault. In the mind of every man I try to get involved with, it will always be my fault.

Well, I’m the sucker who came back for seconds – I guess I didn’t get enough the first time around. Mark has now joined a long list of men in my life who turned out to be arrogant sons of bitches.

Maybe I’m so screwed up that I am only capable of attracting – or selecting – assholes. Or, maybe, my expectations are way off.

I don’t get it. I don’t have a clue how to fix it. I’m not sure I care to try anymore. It’s just easier to be alone.


Responses

  1. Hi Marie,

    I think you are confusing staying with a relationship and having it work. Sometimes we stay, it doesn’t work whatever we do and then we need to leave (or accept that it will never meet our needs if we choose to stay).

    Also, I think you chose a particularly hard case – it sounds like you knew Mark reminded you of your father in many ways. To work through boundary issues with someone that reminds you of an abuser is a VERY big ask I think.

    I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. I do get how awful the experience was for you.

    It sounds like walking away was the right thing to do, so far as I can see. Now I think I stayed in my first marriage WAY too long. So I do know what it’s like to persevere in the hope that the other person will change.

    • Hey, Evan –

      The bad news . . . this was not the end of my attempts at building a healthy relationship with Mark . . . and/or at understanding why I keep recreating this scenario over and over again . . . the rollercoaster isn’t done yet.

      The good news . . . in the long run, this effort netted a number of very valuable life lessons — and I’m glad I stuck with it. Thanks for staying tuned . . .

      – Marie

  2. I was worried it would turn out like this. Just a suggestion – find some new blood, someone who is objective and new to your issues. This can be fixed but I think you need to let a trained person lead the process. I think you might have had too high of expectations. Good luck from my whole heart!

    • Hey, Ivory –

      I hear what you are saying . . . your suggestion is very good . . .

      However, I was very committed to figuring out why I kept recreating this scenario over and over . . . and figuring that out was my ultimate goal. Having a healthy relationship with Mark, and finding healing through him, were secondary goals.

      So . . . because I still felt there was a chance my ultimate goal could still be reached, I stuck with this effort even after this day . . . I promise it has a good ending . . . I promise . . .

      – Marie

  3. We tend to repeat things in our life because we have not yet learned the lesson being presented. Your Father, Doug and Mark are presenting the same lesson to you. The key is for you to discover what the lesson is to be learned. Once you do this, then this lesson will stop recurring. Step outside of yourself and become the observer, what is the common thread of these relationships? What can you learn? What advice would you give to a friend who had your story?

    • Bingo, tobeme!

      I so agree with you! That is why this journey with Mark became about trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be learning . . . and why I couldn’t walk away from my relationship with him just yet.

      Thanks for understanding!

      – Marie


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