Posted by: Marie | May 17, 2010

(314) Heavy powerlessness

Post #314
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, January 10, 2010]

Lately, I have been feeling light-hearted during the day. In contrast, during the last several nights, I have been having dreams with similar themes . . . that people (my family mostly) are disgusted with me.

On the Grass by Martin Chen

In the dreams, I’m a slob and non-performer. I keep trying to connect with friends and family, and I keep trying to please them, but I keep falling short.

This is all happening in a park or stadium – we keep getting separated and lose track of each other when we are walking as a group or when we are sitting in the stands. Other people keep sliding in between us until I lose contact with the others and end up alone. Strangers keep taking away my personal belongings by force and I’m only minimally able to fight to keep them, and no one will help me.

I keep waking up with an intense feeling of powerlessness. In the mornings, I’m having trouble shaking it off enough to get out of bed and participate in life.

———-

I have been watching “Celebrity Rehab” on TV lately. I really like how Dr. Drew really listens and really gives validation to the stories people tell. When they are telling their stories, I can feel myself wanting to tell mine – when Dr. Drew empathizes and validates what they say, I vicariously receive that validation – and it feels really good.

I wish I could get that from Mark.

The situation with Mark is not so great. But, I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and figure it out – the unfinished business is not yet finished.

I want to not always be leaving. There has to be a better way . . . maybe a better selection process?

———-

I think I have come up with a way to manage the times when Mark gets on his soapbox and goes on and on about stuff I have already heard many times before from him. When he pontificates, it wastes my precious session time.

So, I created an “I Get It” list that I can pull out and hand to him when he gets to going:

I heard what you said the first time you said it
(So, there’s no need for you to tell me again)

1) I am a child of God; God loves me just as I am.

2) What I really need is to get right with God, accept Jesus Christ as my savior and accept the Bible as absolute truth.

3) My current spiritual beliefs are illogical and don’t “hold water”.

4) I need to put myself into target-rich environments in order to find a man.

5) A quality guy won’t take a second look at me if he can see I don’t respect myself.

6) My appearance sends the message I don’t respect myself.

7) I need to take better care of my body.

8) I shouldn’t have sex before marriage.

I’m not saying that I agree with what is on the list. I’m just saying I already know that he believes these statements are true and that he thinks I should believe the same. By putting it into writing, he can see that I heard him and that he doesn’t need to tell me the same thing yet again.

With the list, I can incorporate a bit of humor and still get my point across. He often uses humor, so I’ll borrow his technique – I think it might work with him.


Responses

  1. I love that idea of the written list!

  2. Hey, Evan –

    It made sense to me . . . the tough part was finding a constructive way to incorporate it into my sessions . . .

    – Marie


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