Posted by: Marie | May 10, 2010

(309) Desire for solace

Post #309
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, January 7, 2010 – 10pm]

Whew. It has been an emotional day. My brain is still processing all that happened in my session with Mark this morning.

When I arrived at my studio this afternoon for a piano lesson, I found a thank you note from one of the employees of the print shop (the shop from which I’m renting space). In the note, she said she had enjoyed the conversation we shared yesterday . . .

In that conversation, she had described the experiences she has had with various churches in her life. And, she asked several questions of me concerning whether or not I attend church. When I told her I don’t currently attend church, she asked why not. I did some ducking and weaving, and said something like, “Because that’s just where I am in life right now.” She took the hint and let the subject drop.

My Brother's Home by Martin Chen

Today’s thank you note was attached to a small book written by the minister of her church. It was more or less about how to lead a Christ-filled life . . . including a section on how to accept Jesus as savior. In the thank you note, she said she hoped the book could benefit me as I spend time with the Lord.

I’m not sure if she thinks I’m already a Christian and is trying to initiate a close relationship with a “sister” . . . or, if she thinks I’m not a Christian and is trying to help me “get right” with God. Either way, I don’t want to encourage her. I don’t want to “go there” with her.

I need a few places of solace where I can go and not be preached at – I want my studio to be one of those places. I want to be left alone to relate to God in my own way. I just want to experience my spiritual journey in peace.

I want Christians to stop cramming their beliefs down my throat. I guess that is one of the perils of living so close to the Bible Belt.

I so don’t need to deal with this today. I’m hoping she doesn’t become a pest . . . I really need for my studio to be an emotionally safe place.

However, I do need to be polite, especially because I need to co-exist peacefully with the employees of the print shop for the foreseeable future. So, I went downstairs to her office to thank her.

She was in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker. That made it easy for me to “interrupt just to say thanks” and walk away without having to engage in a lengthy conversation. I hope that is the end of it.

Anyway . . . when I got home this evening, I decided I need to get the facts from Mark about the level of touching that actually occurred during the mirror exercise. So, I sent him this email:

Hi, Mark –

During the day today, I kept puzzling over something (and I’m just now getting time to think about it with good focus as I’m getting ready for bed) . . . maybe you can help me . . .

Towards the end of the session when we were reviewing what had and hadn’t triggered me . . . if I remember correctly, you said that, at the mirror, you touched me a lot. When you said that, I was confused. I remember when you briefly touched my back and I said something about the pain in my back, and I remember you putting your fingers in my hair, and I remember you holding and looking at my one hand. Did you do more than that?

If not, then it is a matter of your definition of “a lot” being different from mine — that isn’t “a lot” in my book. If you did do more than that, then I’m not sure what to think . . . I have no memory of anything more than that — and that would be weird.

Can you help me figure out which is accurate? (Thank you)

– Marie

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