Posted by: Marie | May 7, 2010

(308) This day finally arrived – Part 4 of 4

Post #308
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, January 7, 2010 – 3pm – continued from previous post]

Before the session, when I had played out in my head what the moments after a great release of emotion might be like, I had imagined that I would want to be comforted by Mark – I thought I would want him to put his arm around me; I thought I would want to put my head on his chest.

However, in actuality, as I was coming back to the “present” and to “reality”, I didn’t want to be touched. I needed him to stay a good distance from me because the thought of being touched by anyone made me feel sick to my stomach.

We talked about what had triggered me. He said that he was surprised I hadn’t been triggered by his touching me while we were standing at the mirror, even though he was “touching me all over the place”, including putting his fingers in my hair. Since the rapes had been from behind, he thought I would be triggered by being touched from behind. However, I hadn’t shown even the slightest sign of distress.

Flower by Martin Chen

So, he deduced, we know that I can tolerate some forms of touch just fine. (It turns out – the purpose of the mirror exercise was so he could test my tolerance of touch while I was distracted by something else – not because he was trying to take an inventory of all the ways my physical appearance falls short.)

When he said that he had “touched me all over the place”, I was confused. I remembered him touching me lightly in the middle of my back when we first walked up to the mirror (because I have been fighting some sciatica pain this week and the pressure he applied hurt a little bit and I asked him to not put pressure on that part of my back). And, I remembered him holding up my hand when we were talking about my hand (because I thought it was a weird thing to do). But, that is all the touch I remembered – and that is not exactly “all over the place”.

When he had mentioned that he had touched my hair, I almost said, “No, you didn’t.” But then, I went back in my mind to when we had been standing in front of the mirror and I was able to remember that he had lifted up the ends of my hair. But, still, I couldn’t recall any other touch. I didn’t say anything about it; I just filed it in my “gotta think about it later” mental folder.

He asked me some questions about what parts of my body had been involved with the body memory. It very clearly was my crotch. He said, “So, it wasn’t your breasts?” Well, no . . . but I don’t know if that is because I didn’t have breasts at that age (or if “X” wasn’t into fondling non-breasts) or if I am just so disconnected from my breasts that I don’t even consider them to be part of my body.

We talked some about the “from the front” versus the “from the back” types of touch and reactions – he mentioned that most molesters rape from behind because they don’t want to look at the faces and eyes of those they are raping. That makes sense.

And, then, we wrapped up the session with a discussion on my usual method for “getting to know” men I might be interested in dating. When I meet a man, I work very hard to show how accommodating and giving I am. I try to prove my worth by demonstrating all the things I can do for him.

Mark explained that men (and even people in general), become attached to the people (and things) that they invest their resources into. So, an approach that might better serve me is to ask men to do stuff for me – kind of like saying, “What can you do for ME, and are you willing to do it?” That makes sense – and is a whole new way of thinking for me.

He also stated that I need to have more self-respect . . . that I should tell men that, if they want to have sex with me, they have to marry me. He said, “Why would they buy the cow when they can have the milk for free?” (Grrrr . . . I hate that saying!)

I agree that, when I do get around to dating, I need to not give myself to men sexually so early in relationships. However, I don’t agree that I have to be married to have sex. This is clearly Mark’s moral judgments coming into play. But, I get his point . . . so, I took the value I could from his comments and let the rest go.

On a side note, I wish he would quit bringing the discussion back around to dating . . . I don’t know why he continues to push me to get back into dating. I’m nowhere ready right now.

But, anyway . . . that was the end of the session. I agreed to come back for another session in two weeks on January 21st . . . I think there is value in that. I’ll have to assess the wisdom of continuing after each session.

As I headed back to work this afternoon, I kept puzzling over my lack of memory of touch during the mirror exercise – something just wasn’t making sense. I have come to the conclusion I need to find out if there was more touch than I remembered – or not. Maybe it is just a different of perception between his idea of “touching all over” and my idea of “touching all over”.

I think I need to get that answer sooner rather than later – something is not making sense.


Responses

  1. Sounds like the session turned out to be worthwhile.

    Is marriage really reducible to buying sex? Not for me!

    I’ll be interested to hear if you figure out the memory and touch thing and how the next session went (if there was one).

    Thanks for sharing so much real stuff, I guess it isn’t easy. Thanks

    • Hey, Evan –

      I had mixed feelings about the session . . . but, more good than bad.

      Thanks for the encouragement . . . it is getting much easier for me to share the details . . . and that is a good thing! I’m feeling much less shame around all of it.

      Thank you!
      – Marie


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