Posted by: Marie | April 30, 2010

(303) Secrets won’t be secret anymore

Post #303
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, January 7, 2010 – 5am]

I just woke up from a dream. In the dream, I was being held hostage by three men – I had been in captivity for several days. The three men were: a guy I had a crush on when I was a teenager, my ex-husband, and my brother.

I was being held in the living room and my mom and my sister (the one that lives in Florida) were being held in a back bedroom. My sister and mom had been kept tied up most of the time and let out to walk around once in a while. When my mom came into the living room, she told me that, because she had been tied up for several days, she was having significant problems with her blood circulation – she was really starting to hurt. I knew something had to be done – fast.

One by One by Martin Chen

All the phones had been removed. It must have been my house because I knew where my gun was (and the guys didn’t). When they weren’t looking, I reached into my gun bag (it looked like a camera bag), pulled out the bullets and stuck them under the mattress of the couch fold-out bed. I figured, if they found my gun bag, they would pretend they hadn’t found it and just take the bullets out – then, when I had a chance to use it, I would pull my gun out and threaten them with it just to discover I had no bullets – then, they could laugh at me. Well, by hiding the bullets, the joke would be on them. I didn’t really want to shoot them, but if it came down to a choice of “them or me”, I would take their lives.

The guys took turns hitting me, scaring me by threatening to kill me, tying me up – not really injuring me, just trying more to scare me.

At one point, I went into a back bedroom and very quietly slipped out a patio door into the backyard. I knew there were alligators that I had to watch out for – but, I knew I had to try to get away despite the risk.

I ran across the yard, climbed the fence and climbed into a neighboring yard that was actually a zoo. I had to drop from the fence into a shallow pool of water that contained miniature seals. The seals looked pretty friendly and there didn’t seem to be any alligators around. I crossed the pool and ran up to three people who were touring the zoo.

As I reached the three people, I looked back and saw the guys coming out the patio door. They were really mad – but, I knew I was safe. I threw myself into the arms of the tourist closest to me and screamed, “I’ve been kidnapped!” He held me tight and I knew I was safe because someone who existed outside the house now knew the truth of what had been happening in the house – the guys could no longer hide what they had been doing.

I woke up with the biggest sense of relief . . . like I had really just come out of a life-or-death ordeal and survived. I laid there for about 30 minutes, just soaking in that sense of relief.

That is when I started making connections between the dream and the work I want to do with Mark . . .

Usually, my dreams are about me being powerless – for example, something really bad is happening (like a fire) and I try to warn everyone – I scream and yell but either I don’t have a voice or I have a voice but no one is hearing me. In this dream, I had a big, powerful voice – and I was heard. And, my voice was what saved me.

I realized that, with Mark, I am feeling that same sense of just having come out of a life-or-death ordeal. The intense emotions I’m feeling around the session aren’t about my infatuation with Mark – they are the act of me running out the back door and across dangerous territory in order to save myself.

For the first time in my life, I’m giving voice to the memories that are stored in my body. This is about me being powerful. My strong emotional connection to Mark is because he is the man whose arms I am flinging myself into. I save myself, but he is the witness to what happened – I am safe because someone else (Mark) will soon know the truth – the secrets won’t be secret anymore.

I will try to carry this feeling, this sense of survival and power, into the session today.


  1. That is one powerful dream!

    • Yup! LOL

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