Posted by: Marie | April 29, 2010

(302) Desperate cravings

Post #302
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, January 6, 2010]

One more day before my session with Mark . . .

Our paths crossed briefly today at a business network meeting . . . we didn’t get a chance to talk as he arrived late and I had to leave early. As I was leaving the conference room, I passed behind him and briefly laid my hand on his shoulder. He quickly patted my hand in response. I almost melted – I wanted to wrap my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder.

I so crave the emotional intimacy, the physical safety – it is a bridge to hope; it is an anchor in the storm. I didn’t realize how much I have missed that in my life.

I am scared that I am too affected – that I need a relationship with him too much. Is this healthy? Is it the relationship, or is it him specifically I have missed? Will I be able to leave if he doesn’t honor my boundaries?

I’m really struggling with this. I crave the sense of safety, but I’m afraid I won’t really be safe. I’m going into the session not feeling totally safe.

Photo by Martin Chen

Because I’m worried about tomorrow, I’m trying to think of things I can do that would allow me to feel “safe” despite my fears. One of them is take my “safety” blanket with me to the session.

I have carried my blanket with me to several sessions with Mark (and Dr. Barb) so I could wrap up in it so I could feel safe . . . but I have never actually used it – I guess because I was never sure why I had it with me.

In the early hours of this morning, I figured it out – when I feel unsafe, it has been my habit to leave my body “there” and move my soul out of my body to a safer place – survival was contingent upon appearing compliant – if my body was compliant, I could hide the fact my soul was not.

So, with the blanket, I think I could create a sort of separation between my body and Mark so I feel safe enough to keep my soul in my body. That way, I am separated enough from Mark to feel safe, but yet I am still able to communicate with him. It is a way I can create space to process stuff while still being connected with my body and with Mark.

As I’m writing this, I’m starting to figure out that the desperate craving I’m experiencing isn’t about being seen or heard by Mark . . . I am not looking for a temporary high provided by the intense attention of a man. Instead, I am looking for him to help me create a sense of self in relation to my body. I am looking for a “feel good” that I can carry with me for the long term, regardless of whom I am with or if I am alone.

And . . . in other news . . .

I am starting five new students this week . . . I now have 12 students! Good thing I have my studio! I wouldn’t have been able to take them on without it . . it looks like it will pay for itself, starting from day one.

I am discovering that all the cool features on my new piano can be a powerful motivational tool. My 10-year-old student with Asperger’s (Wesley) practiced more this week than he ever has just to earn five minutes of “messing around” on the piano at the end of his lesson. The new piano is bringing a whole new level of fun to the lessons! And the functionality makes it more fun and creative for me, too.

I’ve noticed I’m fighting a heavier depression this last week or two as I’m feeling the stress of the new studio and an increased student load . . . but, the new piano is providing a much-needed outlet – I feel so soothed after playing it for even a few minutes. It is so nice to have unlimited access to a piano – and it is so nice to have a quiet and peaceful environment in which to create music. I love this new studio!


Responses

  1. Great to hear that your teaching was going so well.

    Taking the blanket sounds like a great idea. If you did it I’ll be interested to see how it went.

    • Thank you!

      I did take the blanket with me, but I never used it. It seems the value of the blanket is more for dealing with the pre-session jitters rather than with any anxiety during the session (taking it along “just in case”, planning for all possible contingencies so I can stop worrying in the days/hours beforehand).

      – Marie


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