Posted by: Marie | March 25, 2010

(277) Counting the moments

Post #277
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, December 5, 2009]

Whew. Sending the email to Mark has really stirred things up internally for me.

I laid awake most of the night last night, crying. This morning, I’m a bundle of raw emotion. I didn’t know sending the email would affect me this much.

I know it is going to be a few days before I hear from him . . . I sent the email at 10pm last night (Friday night), so he won’t read it until Monday. Then, he usually takes a day or two to compose a response. So, I’m waiting, holding my breath, counting the hours.

The Island by Martin Chen

I’m suddenly feeling very fragile. Last night I felt very strong. This morning I’m feeling very fragile.

I reached out to Mark to renew an emotionally intimate connection. Will he reject my attempt to reconnect? If he does, does that mean I was too difficult of a client? Too broken?

What if he does agree to re-establish our therapeutic relationship . . . what if he agrees to work with me on the touch exercise . . . what if, after all of this drama, it turns out that I really don’t have an issue with touch and that I was just making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I realize that I was making up the memories of being molested by “X” and none of this stuff ever happened?

What if I really do have issues around touch . . . what if I really am damaged . . . but the damage is too great to be fixed . . . what if we get into the touch exercise and I’m unable to access the raw emotions that need to be healed? What if Mark does a great job of setting up the touch exercise and I can’t do what I need to do and I end up sitting there, looking at him, too numb and dumb to do anything but look back at him?

It is one thing to fantasize about how good it would be to reconnect with Mark and to have dramatic breakthroughs in my healing with his help.

But, it is a whole other thing to actually take steps to create the space for it to happen.

Am I really ready to do this?


  1. Looking forward to the next instalment in this story.

    • Thanks for your continuing interest, Evan! I always look forward to hearing from you!

      – Marie

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