Posted by: Marie | March 23, 2010

(275) But my gut says yes

Post #275
[Private journal entry written on Friday, December 4, 2009 – noon]

Well, I didn’t get any answers in my sleep last night . . . in fact, sleep was rather slow in arriving. My mind was racing, trying to sort through all of this stuff with Mark.

However, I did realize a few things in the dark of the night . . .

I think what hit me so hard about how things ended between Mark and me is . . . I had a fantasy that, someday I’d find a man I could trust completely (a boyfriend, a therapist, a father figure, whatever). I don’t mean I expected that man to never make mistakes; but, when he did mess up and violate a boundary, he would recognize it, apologize and make a huge effort to not do it again.

Before the Storm by Martin Chen

I thought Mark would be a man like that – likely the first man in my life who conducted himself that way. But, that last session – and the coffee shop conversation – caused me to see that I may never be able to fully trust him.

If I can’t trust my therapist, how can I hope to ever trust any man, ever? I’m thinking I will always have to fight to hold my boundaries – I will never be able to fully relax – ever – unless I am alone. This is a bitter pill to swallow.

I keep hoping I’m wrong about him. I want to be wrong about him. I want a chance to prove myself wrong . . . that is why I want to go back to him.

As things stand right now, it seems that his behavior – not willingly honoring my boundary, and breaking his word to me – is justified in his mind because it is in the name of salvation. He is not going to change his mind about this. I can accept it and continue therapy with him, or I can let it be a deal-breaker and never go back. I cannot expect him to change and I can’t hold it against him – whichever way I choose, I have to let it go for my own sanity.

If I restart therapy with him, I just have to know that it is a boundary I will have to enforce regularly and with vigor – he is not going to honor it willingly. I don’t like that about him, but therapy with him could possibly be very effective (there is a lot of good about him) and I am never going to find a therapist who has no “faults”. There doesn’t need to be drama – if he crosses a boundry, I’ll warn him to stop, if he doesn’t stop, I’ll leave and won’t ever come back. It will be that simple and straightforward. I don’t like it this way, but I’m okay with it this way.

I am ready to work with Mark now, despite earlier problems, because I have done some healing and growing on my own and I feel strong enough to deal with our conflict. I also have stopped seeing him as a potential “savior” – I am seeing him now as a man with his own “stuff” and shortcomings.

I want to hire him for a single purpose . . . a single exercise. I don’t want to commit to ongoing therapy until I see how we do with working together on this single exercise. I want him to work with me on some of the touch issues . . . touch is an area I trust him in completely. I think a “touch” exercise would be a safe place from which to renew our therapeutic relationship.

In this exercise, I want to determine the source of the emotional and physical paralysis I feel when I am triggered. I want to figure out if it comes from being afraid that: 1) I’ll be made to do something I don’t want to do, 2) something will be done to me that I don’t want, or 3) I’ll be rejected/scolded for wanting affection.

And, I want to figure out what part of my history created the associated triggers so I can go back and heal those memories. I believe Mark can help me with all of that.

Because I feel very safe, physically, with Mark, I believe there is at least some benefit from going back into limited therapy with him – more good than bad, which makes it worthwhile.

I am aware that someone looking in from the outside would likely conclude this is an unwise choice. I can see that I’m using all kinds of twisted logic to justify my decision.

But, the bottom line is that, for whatever reason, my intuition is telling me this is the best route for me to take. My gut is telling me I must do this.

I guess we’ll see what happens . . . time will tell.


Responses

  1. Wow. It sounds like you have made huge strides. I think you would be an ideal client for a therapist with this kind of clarity!

    I’ll be very much looking forward to seeing what happens.

    • Hey, Evan –

      Hmmmm . . . I guess the lack-of-clarity thing carries over from the last post to this one . . . I think I was struggling to find clarity — to create at least the image of clarity — to deal with the fact I was really in great internal turmoil with all of this. I was trying to create a sense of organization and stability so I could feel safe.

      So . . . stay tuned to see how long the clarity lasts, LOL!

      – Marie


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