Posted by: Marie | March 15, 2010

(269) Doing my part

Post #269
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, December 1, 2009]

I saw a falling star tonight. So, I made a wish.

As soon as I made the wish, my negative thinking made me take it back.

Then, my hopeful thinking encouraged me to hand it back to the universe – and I did.

I wished for a man who can enter into an emotionally intimate relationship with me without sex – at least, without sex for a time.

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

That is what I really want right now. I want to learn affectionate, safe touch. I really, really want that.

In order for me to allow that wish to stay with the universe, I have to begin the process of restructuring what I believe about men.

This evening, when I had some quiet time at home, I curled up under my covers and allowed myself to reflect on how I feel about men and the way I have been treated by them in the past. I allowed myself to feel the emotions and body sensations I experience when I have been “wronged” by a man.

The image that came to mind is of a faceless man who used me for sex and then just walked away like I was a prostitute . . . like I was no more consequence to him than a toilet would be . . . like he wanted to touch me for only as long as it would take for him to find physical relief . . . and not have any regard for me until the next time he wanted to use me.

And that is a pretty strong and telling image to be carrying around with me in my subconscious.

But, that is how I have been feeling about men.

People tell me this is not true with all men, but I find it very hard to believe. I want to believe; it is just that I have so much evidence to the contrary.

Yet, I realize that I must be willing to consider the possibility that there are men in this world who are loving and caring and generous and giving. I must be willing to acknowledge when men treat me well – like when I receive supportive and kind comments from the men who read my blog. I must be willing to look for the good in men – instead of the ugly.

I can see that this will require a deliberate, day-by-day choice on my part . . . and that the universe can only help me so much with that . . . I’ve got to do my part . . .


Responses

  1. I’d had similarly negative experiences with women, including some fairly formative stuff with female predators when I was a teenager. It was very hard for me to believe that there were women out there who would appreciate what I had to give, without wanting me to be someone else, and without wanting to take advantage of me.

    It was hard for me to believe in humanity, but I did believe in the power of my own imagination. For several years, the woman I had as my companion was one I invented out of all the qualities I wanted in a partner. Sometimes I saw glimpses of her in women I met in real life, and the more glimpses I got of her, the more I believed that in some plane of existence, she was real. And so when she showed up in the flesh, she was pretty easy to recognize.

    But I had to start there … with an internalized composite of what I needed and wanted out of life, because I had no positive frame of reference. I had to invest in that positive frame of reference before I could see it in real life.

    • Hey, David –

      That is a great idea (creating an internalized composite) . . . and, I guess I can see I have created that to some extent with the man I fantasize about (the one who holds me safely each night as I go to sleep).

      I really appreciate your input!

      – Marie

  2. I was abused by my stepfather for 4 years and my mother delieverd me to him. I got raped later on and developed such a freaking codependent personlaities that during my adult life I allowed every men tu use me according to their liking. With 35 I worked through abuse – currently I finally face the issue with my mother, wanting to have an abortion and got me instead. I always believed she gave me to the stepfathrer because she couldnt get an abortion. OK, after CBT with 35 my attitude towards myself changed. I accepted my womanhood, by now I love my body, my desire for an intimate relation and my sexlife improved. The left over issue induced by my mother however prevented that I could experience sexual, emotional and spiritual intimacy at the SAME time, once at a time – YES, more NO. I am in a relation in which the man wasnt emotional available to me as it should be in a relation. Thsi has changed and ever since he is giving me all the time in the world to slowly experience spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. NO pressure at all. It is hard, I try to find my feelings, my way on completely unknown ground. I am improving still a logn way to go. It is possible. Their is more abuse and abuser out there as I am aware of. And there are more caring and loving people in the world as I was ever aware of. Due to my condition and the PTSD I always looked and attracted for what I know and what I was used to. the abuse and teh abuser. The turn came when I read a quote from oscar Wilde: To know and to love yourself is the begin of a lifelong romance.
    I strated to date and romance ME frist and now I am better in knowing what I want. The awareness and sensing of unhealthy behaviour in others has inscreased nd I am very quickly off and gone now. I never thought an imtimate committed relation would be possible for me- It is. Love form this side of the pond

    • Hi, Paula –

      Wow . . you have quite a story!!

      I was really touched by your quote: “To know and to love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Really understanding that could mean a life changing epiphany!

      Thank you so much for sharing your insights!

      – Marie

  3. This is big stuff I know. It may have been very important for you when young to know that the men who abused you were wrong. Undoing this can hook huge issues and it can feel like life and death; women I know have experienced this.

    I hope your persistent work pays off. When it does the liberation can be remarkable. I know I am asking you to take this on faith from me, but there are probably other women who will be able to speak to this from their own experience.

    Looking forward to hearing your continuing story about this.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I believe you . . . that making this shift can be very liberating . . .

      I have already started seeing the positive impact that comes with considering a different mindset and belief system.

      Thanks for your encouraging words!

      – Marie

  4. I was sexually assaulted at 3 years old by a neighbor who proceeded to continue the abuse for 2 more years with my mothers knowledge. Kindly, the neighbor “rewarded” me with money and candy. When that abuse stopped my step-family began to add sexual abuse to their rendition of physical and psychological torture. This continued until I turned 16 and threatened my step-father with murder. Of course the many following years were riddled with abusive relationships and the periodic rape due to me making bad choices related to the abuse. After many years of this and then working on my own issues I completely quit men. Well, on a rare occasion I would use one to fulfill MY needs. Nothing quite like a little reverse abuse. Anyway, at 31 years old I completely quit all male relationships because I knew that I wasn’t able to see a good man if he came up and hit me in the face. I couldn’t trust myself so how could I trust anyone else? Besides, a “good man” is just another urban legend, right?
    After being single for 4 years a friend from work asked me out to dinner. i wasn’t interested in him sexually but figured ‘heck, I still need to eat.” I took him up on the offer after letting him know I never date people from work. here I am 6 years later married to a truly kind man and mother to a beautiful 3 year old boy. My husband lives to make me happy and is the most understanding human I’ve ever met. Due to varius serious health issues we’ve not been intimate in about 6 long months. not a single time has he complained, nagged or made me feel guilty about it. He and i both talk about missing the intimacy of the act itself but have found other non-sexual ways to stay connected. he lets me know that he’s aware what is going on and that we both know our sex lives will return.
    I know this is a long reply but I just wanted you to know that the “urban legend” is not a myth.When the time is right and you are at a place to recognize a truly good man, he will come to you. You will see his truth and the love will be easy. Truly easy without the struggles that you’ve known in all your previous “loves”.

    • Hi, Chris –

      You have quite a story! I am touched that you are willing to share it with us so I can be encouraged about what is possible . . . thank you . . .

      My hope is still alive . . . thanks to people like you!

      – Marie


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