Posted by: Marie | March 1, 2010

(259) He has kind eyes

Post #259
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, November 17, 2009]

I met a cute guy today. I like his energy . . . he has kind eyes. And, we had a conversation and he wanted to know about ME! He seemed very interested in what I had to say. And, he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.

I have no idea if he was just having a conversation to pass the time or if he was interested in getting to know me better in the future. I have no idea if I’ll see him again – it’s a small town, the chances are good, especially now that we both know where the other works.

Photo by Martin Chen

Either way, it gives me fodder for thoughtful thoughts.

I think I could consider dating someone like him (or at least like the type of person he seems to be on first impression).

I would be okay with dating if we could delay sex until I had lots of practice feeling safe in his arms. Would it be unreasonable to ask for that much time? Would a guy really stick around that long? Would I feel pressured to give in to sex after x number of months, even if I wasn’t ready?

If I gave him an estimate of how long it would take for me to be ready and I wasn’t ready in that amount of time – and I wasn’t willing to cave in at that point – I’m sure he’d leave.

Maybe it is unreasonable for me to hold onto the hope he might stick around. I can’t ask him to commit to sticking around because no one could promise that in the beginning of a relationship. There are so many reasons to break up other than sex – he might break it off, I might break it off – neither of us can make promises about what the future will bring.

And, this goes beyond dating. I want to know what it is like to be a woman in touch with her femininity. I want to look pretty. I want to smell feminine. I want to turn heads, I want to hold my head high and know that I’m creating a buzz.

I would like for a “safe” man to allow me to lay my head on his chest and stay there all night and cry – and I would like to know that he would stay awake for as long as I needed him to.

I would like to learn how to belly dance.

But, it is all related to sexuality and touch – the very parts of life I find incomprehensible.

I really need to deal with these “touch” and “sex” issues because I want to be able to date and to feel like a woman. I wonder if it is possible to work through it with Mark . . . just that one issue, nothing else, especially not religion.

I wonder. Do I dare try working with him again?


Responses

  1. Hi Marie, these are big issues for you. You don’t give many details about how long you spoke for and such so I’m not sure how realistic you are being (though I probably couldn’t judge anyway).

    I think any person is entitled when and with whom they have sex. If a person doesn’t understand their partners need for safety then I don’t think they’d be much as a sexual partner.

    I guess you can only find out if the relationship continues and goes deeper.

    I wonder if there are other ways to experience sexuality and touch. Belly dancing can certainly be sensual. Perhaps sexual – I’ve never learned it so can only go from how it looks.

    Looking forward to hearing more of how this goes.

    • Hey, Evan –

      There aren’t many details to share about the conversation . . . it lasted about ten minutes and was mostly business oriented with a little bit of “safe” personal conversation (i.e.; “How long have you lived in the area?”)

      So, I guess what I was taking note of most in this journal entry was the shift in how I feel about dating in general . . . that, for the first time in a long time, I was open to the possibility of going on a date.

      I really didn’t know enough about him to know if he would be interested in a date or if he really is a “good” guy . . . I just liked what I saw at first blush.

      It is interesting to me how I reacted to your paragraph that starts: “I think any person is entitled when and with whom they have sex . . . ” I have a very deep-seated belief that that is true to only some extent . . . my childhood programming taught me that a wife has a duty to remain “available” for wifely duties, to meet the sexual needs of the husband, that her sexual satisfaction (or wish to abstain) is secondary . . . if she can find satisfaction, then she should consider herself blessed; if not, well, there are worse things . . .

      I guess, bottom line, I still believe I don’t have the option of being in a relationship without having to be “available”. The idea that my need to not have sex is as important as my partner’s need to have sex (assuming that is the case) is still foreign to me.

      Whew . . . I guess I need to look at that! Thank you for the thought-provoking input!

      – Marie

  2. “I wonder. Do I dare try working with him again?”

    No, Marie, don’t do it. You keep saying you want to feel safe with a man and yet you contimplate being with one you know has betrayed you. — I hope you didn’t do it.

    • I hear what you are saying, Ivory . . . you have a very valid point.

      I guess I’m not clear on what parts of the conflict with Mark were my doing and what parts were his doing. If I had a history of peaceful relationships, and the relationship with Mark was a fluke, then I could walk away without a second thought.

      But, I have similar conflicts with almost every man with whom I have a close relationship . . . I need to figure out why that keeps happening.

      So . . stay tuned!

      – Marie


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