Posted by: Marie | February 26, 2010

(258) Stabbing pain

Post #258
[Private journal entry written on Sunday, November 15, 2009]

This morning, I woke up from a dream in which I had injured my hand and a doctor was treating the injury.

He was piecing back together the skin on the side of my hand with these giant straight pins that reminded me of pins used in sewing. He had told me that the procedure would be “no big deal” . . . but, I could see that it was far more invasive than he had indicated.

Photo by Martin Chen

The rage rose up inside of me like a geyser – I grabbed the biggest pin he had in his hand and threatened to stab him with it if he didn’t stop what he was doing. I was very angry that he had lied to me in order to manipulate me into agreeing to the procedure.

I woke up at about that point in the dream . . . and was immediately flooded with emotion and with memories of the real life version of this scenario . . .

In early 2002, a pap smear came back with worrisome results. My gynecologist wanted to perform a “simple” procedure . . . no big deal, she assured me. She just wanted to reach up inside me and take a little biopsy. She promised it would be quick and nearly painless. I agreed and we scheduled the procedure for a week or two down the road.

I showed up for the procedure . . . and the intake nurse told me that the doctor was not going to be able to do it that day. As it turned out, the doctor was called in to deliver a baby. No biggie . . .

The nurse asked if I needed to use the phone to call the person who was providing my transportation. I looked at her, very puzzled . . . why would she think someone else would be driving me?

She returned my puzzled look . . . “You weren’t planning on driving yourself after the procedure, were you?”

“Well, yes . . . why wouldn’t I?”

She started explaining to me what all was involved . . . and why I would not be in any condition to drive afterwards.

As I listened to that explanation, my rage grew and grew . . . basically, my doctor had lied to me. The decision to have that invasive of a procedure done was not something I would have taken lightly – I would have had to give it much thought.

I was incredibly angry that my doctor almost got away with performing a procedure on me about which I was ill-informed. I would have been psychologically strapped down, had my legs in the air and her instruments in my pussy – and the damage would have already been done – by the time I was able to figure out what was happening. I would have been powerless to stop it.

I told the nurse I would have to think about making another appointment – and, a few days later, I called and ended my relationship with the doctor.

I knew we had differences in opinions about testing and treatments – but, I thought she would honor my decisions and values. After that almost-appointment, I knew I could no longer trust her.

So, this morning, as I was struggling to wake up, I was vividly reliving the sense of violation I had felt on that day in my doctor’s office. It was a sense that I had been physically violated even though she had not laid a hand on me. I felt physically ill, this morning, as I remembered those events.

I’m still trying to shake those feelings . . . I’m still alternating between feeling ill and violated, and feeling violently enraged. I’m really struggling to return to a “normal” level of functioning – I have to – I have so much to do today.

I am having a very tough time dealing with the powerful body memories that have been coming up for me lately. I think I have to have some help processing them.


  1. Processing big feeling like this is really tricky I think – especially when we have other demands on our time. Hope you are figuring out how to do this.

    • Hey, Evan –

      Yes, it can be tough . . . I am learning to keep my weekends mostly open so I have blocks of time to process and write and sleep and feel . . . .

      Thanks for the kind words!

      – Marie

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